Friday Funnies!!!!

[Slappie 9]

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He
asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround
herself with intelligent people.
He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by  asking them the
right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this
question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this
child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds,
"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and
says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll
definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of
the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the  test. He summons Jesse Helms
to the White House and says,  "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a
question for  me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" "Uhh, your mother has a child,
and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think
about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves.
Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and
they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up
with an answer. Finally, in  desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the
State Department  and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a
child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's  me, of course, you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know
the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair."
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[Slappie 9]

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats
2) When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second
person
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts
10) The best place to be when you're sad is grandpa's lap
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree
2) Wrinkles don't hurt
3) Families are like fudge, mostly sweet but a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held it's ground
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to
ask
you the questions
6) Time may be a great healer, but its a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometime age comes alone
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
1) You believe in Santa Claus
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus
3) You are Santa Claus
4) You look like Santa Claus
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[Slappie 9]

A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used
some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was
going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over
the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100
yards."
"Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a
squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began
to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle
came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to
fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew
near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap,
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and
said, "You missed the FUCKING putt, didn't you!"
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[freeflir29 0]

"6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy"
May I never reach that point in life!
"This conversation ends right here Captain! You can talk to the ALO when he gets back."-Me
Clay

[SpeedRacer 1]

Q. How can you tell when a moth farts?
A: It suddenly flies in a straight line.
Q. Why don't they teach Drivers ed and Sex ed on the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
Speed Racer
"Come up to my lab,
And see what's on the slab!"

[Slappie 9]

Dear Tide,
I'm writing to you to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it
since my college days, when my mom told me it was the best.
In fact, about a month ago, while at my girlfriends house, I spilled some
red wine on my new white shirt. She started to berate me about my drinking
problem. One thing lead to another and I had a lot of her blood on my white
shirt, as well. I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent,
but it wouldn't come out.
On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide and all of the
stains came out. So well, in fact, that the DNA tests where negative!!!!.
I thank you, once again, for a great product. I now have to write a letter
to the Hefty bag people.
Yours truly,
Gary Condit
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[SpeedRacer 1]

I LOVE CHEESY-POOFS, YOU LOVE CHEESY-POOFS, IF WE DIDN'T EAT CHEESY-POOFS, WE'D BE..
Speed Racer
"Come up to my lab,
And see what's on the slab!"

[SpeedRacer 1]

...lame.
Speed Racer
"Come up to my lab,
And see what's on the slab!"

[Kris 0]

Quote

Dear Tide,

Which reminds me of the button I have affixed to my gear bag:
"Commercials show you how detergents take out bloodstains. If you've got a t-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem..."
Kris