Thursday funnies

[hobbes4star 0]

A blonde and her boyfriend were sitting at home one night and
became bored.

"Hey, let's play a game" she said.

"What game?" was his bored reply.

"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can
find me."

"What if I can't find you?"

"I'll be behind the piano."

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?

[jessefs 0]

Crotchless Panties

Edna went into her local Arkansas branch of Victoria's Secret to buy some fancy new panties. The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright red crotchless panties.

Edna put them on and waited for her husband, Ralph, to get home from work. When Ralph arrived, Edna was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on. With a wide smile across her face, Edna asked, "Want some of this?"

Ralph took just one look and said, "Lord no, it done ate a hole in yourpanties..."

<* Spread the Love! *>

[SBS 0]

Damn, I need a girlfriend that likes that game...hell...I just need a girlfriend. :-)

-S

_____________
I'm not conceited...I'm just realistic about my awesomeness...

[hobbes4star 0]

LOL...

if fun were easy it wouldn't be worth having, right?

[wlie 0]

Quote

Damn, I need a girlfriend that likes that game...hell...I just need a girlfriend. :-)

You can have 6 - Rosey Palmer and her 5 sisters?

[rhino 0]

The rules of life : The Rules....this time by Men.
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note ...these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your own oil! Please.
1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 24 hours.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
1. If you have something you expect me to hear, say it before I leave the room.
1. I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.



ANOTHER


The latest ploy to drive the Taliban and Al Queda out of the
mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Alabama Special Forces.

Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in with the
following information about the Taliban:

1. There is no limit.

2. The season opened last weekend.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don’t like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.

5. Some are queer.

6. They don’t like barbecue.

7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt’s death.


Should be over in just about a week. Don’t you think?


ONE MORE

Here is a riddle for the intellectually minded.

The answer is at the bottom of the page for those who cannot think this
one through!!

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the
earth:

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers; The other is
getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman.

They are each thinking the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?






























Don't look down.

[moodyskydiver 0]

Words of Wisdom

1. Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.
3. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.(EWW!!!)
4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I can get the same effect just standing up fast.
6. I have my own little world..but its OK they know me here.
7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas..I really wanted a screamer or moaner.
9. If flying is so safe why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life.Yet it has no trade-in value.
12. Shopping tip: you can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
13. I am a nobody,and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
14. I married my wife for her looks..but not the ones shes been giving me lately!
15. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
16. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
17. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
18. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
19. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
20. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up,you don't know where its been!"

"...just an earthbound misfit, I."