Friday Funnies

[Magistr8 0]

I figured I would be the one to start this this week.

"Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools." Napoleon Bonaparte

[Slappie 9]

Punk Rock Cats!! JAMMIN BAYBAY!!

"Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them."

[Sassy 0]

ROFL!!!!!!! That's the hardest I've laughed on a long time .
Sassy

[Magistr8 0]

Snow white and bin laden

"Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools." Napoleon Bonaparte

[wmw999 2,172]

Here's a picture of a group of women waiting for the perfect man...
Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[happythoughts 0]

A man is on his camel in the desert when suddenly it comes to a dead stop.
He gets off and pulls the camel by the lead. It walks just fine but as soon as he gets back on, it won't budge. He walks to the nearest camel service station.
The attendant says, "Bring the camel up onto the platform." He takes a look from underneath and says, "I think I see the problem." He pushes a button, and out of the ceiling comes a large metal flat device, which slowly draws back, and then violently whacks the camel's ass. The camel lets out a roar and goes running out of the shop, into the desert, and disappears.
The man is furious, and screams, "What the hell did you just do? My camel's gone now, how am I ever going to catch up with him?"
"Step up onto the platform," says the attendant.

[Sassy 0]

Sleeping At Your Desk
======================
Ten Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably
got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-
related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who
practice yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at
your desk.....
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

[bobsoutar 0]

Excellent! It's the dogs.................oops sorry for that slip..........cheers for the laugh anyhow.

[pop 0]

Out on a limb


A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can
punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as
he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his
artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer

[pop 0]

Still a Virgin?


A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom ask how was his day
was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait for your father to get home!" says
the mom.

Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's
room and talk to him, he's been really bad today.

Dad goes up to his son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her that
I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think
like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about 13, right? Wow.
That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out
and buy you that new bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike
in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad.

The boy replied, " Nah, my ass is still sore."

7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer

[happythoughts 0]

Q. What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
A. Someone who wakes you up on Saturday morning for no reason.

[Thanatos340 1]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"

[pop 0]

A Dream


A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced enthusiastically
to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for
Valentine's day! What do you think it means?" With certainty in his voice,
the man said, "You'll know tonight." That evening the man came home with a
small package and handed it to his wife. With anxious anticipation the
woman quickly opened the package to find a book entitled - "The Meaning of
Dreams".

7 ounce wonders, music and dogs that are not into beer

[SpeedRacer 1]

OK I posted this one on the genie thread and then the thread died and noone read it!
I don't wanna know why that keeps happening to me.
-----------------------

So here it is again:
The setting: A cabaret in the 1930's. A director is auditioning different acts for a variety show.

The next candidate walks in carrying a box & says to the director, "Watch this!" And he opens the box and a little one-foot tall man hops out, and runs over to the piano, hops up, and starts playing. He's amazing. He's playing Fats Waller, Gershwin, classical, and finally the director turns to the guy with the box and says, "He's incredible!! Where did you find him?"

The guy with the box says, "Well, I was walking along the beach and I found an Arabian lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out and said he would grant me any wish I wanted."

"Wait a minute," said the director, "He asked you for any wish in the world, and so you asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"

"Uh, not exactly."

Speed Racer
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