nigel99 144 #1 July 24, 2003 The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. Well, Rabbi, " what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to The Inland Revenue. "Inland Revenue .?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue ..... and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you"Experienced jumper - someone who has made mistakes more often than I have and lived. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ladyskydiver 0 #2 July 24, 2003 A kid is seated on an airplane completely engrossed in the new Harry Potter novel when a guy boards and sits down next to him. The guy proceeds to try and engage this kid in conversation saying "I've heard that if you talk with your seat mate, the flight will go faster." The kid reluctantly closes his book and looks at the guy and asks. "What would you like to discuss?" Guy: "Hmmm....good question. How about atomic energy?" Kid: "Wow! You have to be pretty intelligent to discuss that. Ok, I've got a question for you. There's a horse, a cow, and a deer. They all eat the same thing - hay, grass, drink water. When the cow goes to the bathroom, it makes cow patties. When the horse goes to the bathroom, the horses's stuff comes out in balls and when the deer goes to the bathroom, it comes out in pellets. How do you explain that?" Guy: "I have no idea." Kid: "Well, if you can't discuss shit, how can you discuss atomic energy?"Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyIvan 0 #3 July 24, 2003 HAHHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! __________________________________________ Blue Skies and May the Force be with you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DTOXX 0 #4 July 24, 2003 Long but worth it I believe. A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone. He surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep.""That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" . "You're a consultant," says the shepherd."Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew. You answer a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business." "Now give me back my dog." ------- D.T. Holder SIMstudy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyIvan 0 #5 July 24, 2003 Actually, is not a joke but a true story because those are exactly the kind of consultants that my company hired to replace me . __________________________________________ Blue Skies and May the Force be with you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
