Pilot Joke

[popsjumper 2]

Texas Airlines flying into DFW. Pilot and co-pilot up front... Pilot looks out the front and tells the co-pilot....give me some flaps to slow this thing down (co-pilot lowers flaps a little)....getting closer to the runway the pilot looks out again and says..."You'd better give me some more flaps, we're getting real close (co-pilot lowers flaps a little more)...plane gets right up to the runway and the pilot screams "Give me ALL the flaps. Give me ALL the flaps!!!!

The plane hits the runway, full flaps, brakes screaching, engines full reverse thrust, passengers piled up in the front of the plane, big cloud of smoke....

Smoke clears and the pilot looks out the front and says "Damn! That was a short runway!.....Co-pilot looks out the side windows and says "Yeah! And look how WIDE it is!"

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[DrunkMonkey 0]

Q: What does a Fighter Pilot use for birth control?

A: His personality.

Q: How will you know if a fighter pilot is at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: How can you tell if you're on a date with a fighter pilot?

A: The conversation goes "Well, enough about flying, let's talk about me."

A frantic woman calls 911:

Woman: "Help! Help! There's a drunk naked Figher Pilot running amok in my yard!"

911: "Ma'am-calm down. How do you know he's a fighter pilot?"

Woman: "Well, he's got a huge wristwatch, a tiny dick, and he's trying to cash a check..."

[girlygirl 0]

lol, very funny!!

[Tailgate 0]

You know that the Prop is just a big fan to keep the pilot cool. Just have it stop and watch him sweat.

_________________________________________________
Let me live in my house by the side of the road and be a friend to man- Sam Walter Foss

[popsjumper 2]

Oooooo...good one.....one I can use on our pilots!

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[CieloDiosa 0]

im a pilot!!

~boogie ho!!
pull before impact!
L.A.S.T#14, PMS #309, Ci EL O DI O SA

[popsjumper 2]

Sorry to hear that....

JUST JOKING!!!!!

I'd fly your airline ANY day, beautiful...

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[girlygirl 0]

Quote

You know that the Prop is just a big fan to keep the pilot cool. Just have it stop and watch him sweat.

hey... do all flight instructors tell that joke when they go over that or was it just mine... is it standard in training?

[Tailgate 0]

Glad I could be of service, I live to serve

_________________________________________________
Let me live in my house by the side of the road and be a friend to man- Sam Walter Foss

[tweak 0]

My flight instructor only made jokes about the other pilots making assinine or just plain funny calls over the radio. And some were just plain hilarious!

[InflightSupv 0]

I've heard most of them, but here are a couple of my favorites. Be patient, one is rather long.

What is the difference between a porcupine and a cockpit?

On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

Favorite one:

Pilot crashes his plane into a mountain and goes to Hell, (cause you know that all pilots are going there).

Devil comes up to the Pilot and says, "Since you are a Pilot, I will give you a choice between Door#1 or Door#2 for all of eternity."

Devil opens up the first door and it is Pilots doing their 'walkaround' through the sleet/snow and it was endless.

Pilots just walking around checking things out, over and over and over.

The Pilot said, "I can't do that for all of eternity. That sucked while I was on earth."

So the Devil opened up Door#2 and it was the last 10 seconds of the Pilots life played out on a big screen before his very eyes. The scene was playing of his crash into the mountain, over and over and over.

With moist eyes, the Pilot said, "I can't relive that over and over and over forever. It is too heart breaking. Don't you have any other choices?"

The Pilot didn't get an answer, so he turned around and the Devil was not there. He looked out in the hall and he noticed the Devil way down at the left end of the hall talking to a little demon, trying to get him to go off and do some evil.

The Pilot looked the other way down the hall and saw a door, way at the end. So the Pilot walked down there and peeked in.

It was a Pilot sitting in the middle of the room, on a chair, with no clothes on. There was a line of endless beautiful flight attendants stretched out for miles and miles. The Flight Attendants were all naked.

They kept coming up to the Pilot and bending over, and the Pilot started 'doing' them. When he finished, another Flight Attendant would come up and it would continue.

So the Pilot closed the door real fast and went down to Door#2 to wait for the Devil.

After a while the devil came back and said, "Have you made up your mind yet? Door#1 or Door#2?"

The Pilot said, "NO, NO, NO. I don't want Door#1 or Door#2, I want whats behind that door down there.

The Devil said, "No, you can't have that one, it's Flight Attendant Hell."

[airtwardo 6]

Quote

What is the difference between a porcupine and a cockpit?

On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

Quote

My wife..a pilot, tells everyone that it's not politically
correct to refer to it as a "Cockpit"...

In her case it's a "Box Office!"



The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:

The second officer says, "Oh shit!"
The first officer says, "I have an idea!"
The captain say, "Hey, watch this!"

— anon.



My definition of an optimist has to be the Luftwaffe F-104 pilot
who gave up smoking!— John Wiley


When it comes to testing new aircraft or determining maximum
performance, pilots like to talk about "pushing the envelope."
They're talking about a two dimensional model: the bottom is zero altitude, the ground; the left is zero speed; the top is max altitude; and the right,
maximum velocity, of course. So, the pilots are pushing that
upper-right-hand corner of the envelope.

What everybody tries not to dwell on is that that's
where the postage gets canceled, too.
— Admiral Rick Hunter, U.S. Navy.




Aviation Dictionary

Airspeed: Speed of an airplane.
Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.

Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.

Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey,
located near the final approach beacon at an airport.

Crab: The squadron Ops Officer.

Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.

Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks
mysteriously become filled with air.

Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and
smoke enter the cockpit.

Glide Distance: Half the distance from the airplane to the nearest
emergency landing field.

Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a 20,000 foot long
wet runway.

IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.

Lean Mixture: Nonalcoholic beer

Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.

Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.

Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.

Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy's promotion party.

Roger: Used when you're not sure what else to say.

Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.

Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration

Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why your
car payment is late


P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution logged by the mechanic.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal.
Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in "altitude-hold" mode produces
a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: Transponder inoperative.
S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Radio switches stick
S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew

P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up
S: Company accountant deplaned

P: Funny smell in cockpit
S: Pilot told to change cologne

P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight
S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane

P: #3 engine knocks at idle
S: #3 engine let in for a few beers

P: #3 engine runs like it's sick
S: #3 engine diagnosed with hangover

P: Brakes howl on application
S: Don't step on 'em so hard!

P: Radio sounds like a squealing pig
S: Removed pig from radio. BBQ behind hangar tomorrow

P: Whole aircraft smells like BBQ
S: Ground Checks OK

P: First class cabin floor has a squeak
S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore

P: Electrical governor is broke
S: Paid off governor's debt to Jimmy "The Fish" Galvano

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[LongWayToFall 0]

man those are some good jokes. i have a couple.
why do 747s have a hump in the front? so the pilots can sit on their wallets.

whats the difference between a good landing and a great one? a good landing you walk away from, a great one you can still use the plane.

[n2skdvn 0]

plenty of humor here!

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[uncaged 0]

What do redheads and and 747's have in common?

They both have "orange boxes"...

When the going gets weird, The weird turn pro...