ATC humour

[jono 0]

This one's for John Mitchell......
http://www.tickld.com/x/actual-exchanges-between-pilots-and-control-towers

Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

[decompresion 2]

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a 38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for? "The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

There are no dangerous dives
Only dangerous divers

[JohnMitchell 14]

Thanks for the laughs.

One of mine:

A local airport in Oregon, Hillsboro (HIO) has a flight school that takes in many Japanese student pilots training ab abnitio, from first flight to commercial license. Needless to say, there are many communication problems. One day, I had a call from a Japanese student pilot requesting VFR (visual flight rules, or "nice weather flying") flight following on a cross country trip. BTW, the weather SUCKED.

N18125 "Seattle Center, Cessna 18125, off ONP (Newport, Oregon, a coastal airport), request flight following to Corvallis." Corvallis is an inland airport, about 40 NM East.

Me "Cessna 18125, Seattle Center, squawk 1-5-3-5, say altitude."

N18125 "Cessna 18125, 1535, and altitude 1700."

Alarm bells in my head. This is low and he's heading towards Mary's Peak, a 4100' mountain. The weather has been low clouds and bad visibility all morning.

Me "Cessna 18125, radar contact 6 miles East Newport. Do you have the ground in sight?"

N18125 "Cessna 18125, Negative."



Me "Cessna 18125, high terrain, Mary's Peak, 12 o'clock, 15 miles, 4,100'. Do you have it in sight?"

N18125 "Looking for traffic."

Most calls of "12 o'clock", distance, alt, etc. are dealing with traffic calls about other aircraft. With this student's limited English understanding, he thinks I'm talking about an airplane, not a freaking mountain in his way.

Me "Cessna 125, negative traffic, a mountain, Mary's Peak, extending up to 4,100"."

N18125 "Looking for TRAFFIC!" he said back, with emphasis that he understood exactly to look for another airplane.

As I searched my addled brain for what to do next, I remembered an elementary school lesson where the teacher said the "Mt. Fujiyama" was redundant, because "yama" was Japanese for mountain. Hmmmm.

Me "N18125, negative traffic, YAMA, 12 o'clock, 15 miles."

N18125 "Yama?!"

Me, with deep voice emphasis "Yama!"

Long pause. . . .

N18125 "Cessna 18125, uh, returning to Newport!"

With that, he did a 180 and landing back at the coast. Just another day at the office.

[BillyVance 34]

Outstanding!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[Phil1111 913]

True conversation heard at Hanover Airport. The young woman in Tower has recently finished her training and is still not completely at ease. BA XXX is at holding position runway 09R. Another aircraft is doing approach procedures for a landing on the same runway. Tower wishes to expedite take-off for BA XXX:

Tower: BA XXX, are you ready for a quickie ?

BA XXX: Lady, I'm always ready for a quickie, but first I have to fly this plane to Helsinki !

[Phil1111 913]

ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? "

Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.

ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure...by the way as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "National 63 cleared for takeoff...did you copy the report from Eastern?"
National 63: "Roger, Tower, cleared for takeoff... yes, we've already notified our caterers."