Pregnant: What is right?

[RandomDood 0]

I have put myself in a situation that is not so easy to deal with.

A girl I have been seeing has turned out to be pregnant. We never wanted it to happen, but it did. I am now leaving the state because of work. I did not intend for our relationship to go farther than the time that I was here in state. This was stated from the beginning. Now, there is this child that has come into play. I do not believe that a man and a woman should be together simply because they have a child. I believe they should be together because they want to be together and they love one another. I know what I feel is the right thing to do. But, more opinions are needed. What is the right thing to do in this situation?

Please provide any input you can. I am willing to answer questions as well. Thank you for your input in advance. It is very much appreciated.

[mnealtx 0]

The right thing is to man up and take care of your child.

Mike
I love you, Shannon and Jim.
POPS 9708 , SCR 14706

[Royd 0]

Sounds like you need to move to Plan B concerning the right thing to do.

[RandomDood 0]

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The right thing is to man up and take care of your child.

I understand what you are saying here. But your assumption that I am not 'maning up' is wrong. I fully want to take care of my child; absolutely. There is no question of that at all. I want to be there to hold him and love him and support him and give him the world. I am sorry that I did not further explain, but I hope this helps.

[NCclimber 0]

You and the woman should honestly look at the pros and cons of each possible scenario. Consider how you will feel about the path you choose now, as well as 5 or 10 years down the road. If you're spiritual, pray for guidance.

Hopefully, you will choose a path that is acceptable to both of you.

Good luck.

[RandomDood 0]

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Sounds like you need to move to Plan B concerning the right thing to do.

I don't understand what you mean? Can you elaborate a little more please. It would be much appreciated.

[mnealtx 0]

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The right thing is to man up and take care of your child.

I understand what you are saying here. But your assumption that I am not 'maning up' is wrong. I fully want to take care of my child; absolutely. There is no question of that at all. I want to be there to hold him and love him and support him and give him the world. I am sorry that I did not further explain, but I hope this helps.

Yes, that does help explain your point further - it initially sounded like you were considering just skipping out - glad you're not.

Mike
I love you, Shannon and Jim.
POPS 9708 , SCR 14706

[RandomDood 0]

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You and the woman should honestly look at the pros and cons of each possible scenario. Consider how you will feel about the path you choose now, as well as 5 or 10 years down the road. If you're spiritual, pray for guidance.

Hopefully, you will choose a path that is acceptable to both of you.

Good luck.

First, thank you for your input. Much appreciated.

We have tried to sit down and discuss it. We get some points across to one another, but most of the time, we just get into an argument; which is not something I am interested in doing (arguing); most of the time I refuse to argue.

When weighing the entire situation though, I think that it is worse for a child to grow up in an unhappy environment. And truthfully, to a selfish point, I do not want to be with her.

[Darius11 12]

Are you asking about abortion as to keeping the child? Or are you asking should you two get married?


You have already stated that you will take care of the child and be a responsible dad (good). That is your only duty. If the relationship is great and you would marry her anyway go ahead if not then don’t.
Consider this more then 50% of people who get married get divorced and that’s not saying the other 50% is happily married.
So marrige is not key.

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

[RandomDood 0]

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Yes, that does help explain your point further - it initially sounded like you were considering just skipping out - glad you're not.

Glad I could clarify. That is the farthest thing from my mind. I actually want to have the child just as much as she does. I am not interested in taking the child from her permanently or anything. 50/50 is what I propose and she is against this. Is this right?

[NewGuy2005 51]

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50/50 is what I propose and she is against this. Is this right?

What does she want?

[Darius11 12]

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I am not interested in taking the child from her permanently or anything. 50/50 is what I propose and she is against this. Is this right?

what does she want?

What is your financial situation and hers? (Sorry not trying to find out what you make but get an idea if money is an major issue or not)


how old are you guys?


Did you promise her marriage at any time?

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

[RandomDood 0]

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Are you asking about abortion as to keeping the child? Or are you asking should you two get married?

I am asking for opinions of everything this entails. I wasn't specifically asking any questions really. I intentionally left it as general as I could in order to get a wide variety of opinions. For example, if you feel I should get an abortion, I would like to know that. Or if you feel we should get married, I'd like to know that too. I hope this helps.

Specifically though, I decided not to go for the abortion and I am not going to marry her.

[Darius11 12]

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Specifically though, I decided not to go for the abortion and I am not going to marry her.

I think all that is left then si for you to support her financily and to be there for your child. 50/50 sounds good and fair.

I will PM you my personal story in a sec.

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

[RandomDood 0]

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what does she want?

What is your financial situation and hers? (Sorry not trying to find out what you make but get an idea if money is an major issue or not)


how old are you guys?


Did you promise her marriage at any time?

She wants me to leave and send her child support and money for child care and money for prenatal visits and maternity clothes and food (because she eats extra now). And she wants me to fly back state-to-state when I want to see our child.

Money is not a major issue for me, but it is a major issue for her. She is considered to be in the 'low income' range.

We are both in our mid 20s.

I never promised her marriage at any time. I actually told her from the beginning that I did not want a relationship.

[RandomDood 0]

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I think all that is left then is for you to support her financily and to be there for your child. 50/50 sounds good and fair.

Am I supposed to support her financially if we do everything 50/50?

[Shotgun 1]

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She wants me to leave and send her child support and money for child care and money for prenatal visits and maternity clothes and food (because she eats extra now). And she wants me to fly back state-to-state when I want to see our child.

It sounds like that is what you should do, if money is a major issue for her but not for you, and if you do not want to get married. This sounds like the best way to take care of the child, considering the situation that you are in (and assuming that she is capable of taking care of the child aside from the money issue).

[RandomDood 0]

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She wants me to leave and send her child support and money for child care and money for prenatal visits and maternity clothes and food (because she eats extra now). And she wants me to fly back state-to-state when I want to see our child.

It sounds like that is what you should do, if money is a major issue for her but not for you, and if you do not want to get married. This sounds like the best way to take care of the child, considering the situation that you are in (and assuming that she is capable of taking care of the child aside from the money issue).

I feel like if I am keeping the child the same amount as she is, I should only have to pay child support when she has the child. And I also believe I should only pay half of child care costs when she has the child. And vice versa as well.

edited to add: I think it is fair for it to be 50/50. Not me having to deal with the brunt of travel and only seeing my child when I can fly there. I do not believe that is fair just because I make more money than she does.

[Darius11 12]

Unfortunately many times what’s fair is different then what a man should do.

Should she pay her half? Yes
Should you pay so she can take care of your child and support her in a life style that you find normal? Yes
If she does not pay or can not pay is it fair for you to pay more then her so your child can have the” normal life”? No but should you………….I don’t want to say yes because I have seen cases where the woman takes fuel advantage of the child and treats the child like a pay check. In that case I would take full custody and tell her to go fuck her self. If she really can’t pay her end and is not a golddigger then you should do whats best for your child.

What is kind of throwing every thing off for me is from your posts I get the sense that she kind of expects you to pay for everything, do all the travelling, as if her only job is taking care of this child. That’s not cool.

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

[RandomDood 0]

I finally have a straight forward question:

I have proposed to her that when the child is born, she take the child for the first six months, then I fly back, pick up the child, take the child to my state, and keep the child for six months, then fly the child back to her and let her keep it for six months. (i.e. 50/50)

Is this right?

Is this fair to her?

[Thanatos340 1]

I was in your exact situation 17 years ago.

Soon at the child is born you may need to file a petition to legitimize with the courts. Till you do that you have absolutely no rights at all in many states other than the right to pay child support (And you will pay one way or another). In Georgia Child support is based on your GROSS (Before Tax) Income (Set at 17% to 23% depending on several variables). If for example your Gross Income is $50K per year, you will pay between $708 and $958 per month. With one child and no Standard of living established, It should be closer to the 17%. Other states calculate differently but the end result should be similar and give you an idea of what you are looking at paying.

Also when you petition to legitimize, you can ask that the court set Visitation at that time. Till that is done, your only right as a father is to pay. Don’t think that having a verbal agreement with the mother is going to take care of anything.
If the mother is low income, I would also HIGLY recommend that you work into the agreement that YOU get the Dependant tax deduction as it will be worth much more to you that it is to her. (I didn’t do this and it has cost me Thousands every year while only saving my ex Hundreds)

I learned all this the hard way. Me and my daughter’s mother had a good relationship but were no longer dating when we discovered she was pregnant. I started supporting her when she was 6 months along and couldn’t work as much. (We did try to get back together but quickly realized that as not going to work). After my daughter was born, Her Mother would go through extreme mood swings and not always let me see my daughter when we had agreed, that is when I went to a lawyer and went through the steps above. Every state has different laws on this and it will definitely be in best interest to talk to a Lawyer sooner better than later.

Keep it friendly but let her know that you will do your part. And Doing that means that you must look out for your rights as a father too.

Personally I would also forget about moving out of State if at all possible. If you really want to do the right thing, that means staying close by your child even if you are not living in the same house.

[Thanatos340 1]

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I finally have a straight forward question:

I have proposed to her that when the child is born, she take the child for the first six months, then I fly back, pick up the child, take the child to my state, and keep the child for six months, then fly the child back to her and let her keep it for six months. (i.e. 50/50)

Is this right?

Is this fair to her?

Doesnt matter. It is not fair to the Child. The Child will need Stability. Shared Custody like you are proposing is very rare and something the courts try to avoid.

[Shotgun 1]

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I finally have a straight forward question:

I have proposed to her that when the child is born, she take the child for the first six months, then I fly back, pick up the child, take the child to my state, and keep the child for six months, then fly the child back to her and let her keep it for six months. (i.e. 50/50)

Is this right?

Is this fair to her?

It's no longer about what is fair to you or her; it's about what is best for the child.

But I'm guessing that none of us on here know you or the situation well enough to be giving you much advice. Perhaps this would be a good time for the two of you to seek advice from a family counselor?

Sounds like a difficult situation. Good luck to you.

[RandomDood 0]

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Keep it friendly but let her know that you will do your part. And Doing that means that you must look out for your rights as a father too.

Personally I would also forget about moving out of State if at all possible. If you really want to do the right thing, that means staying close by your child even if you are not living in the same house.

Thank you very much for your input with this. Much appreciated.

And yeah, I wish it was possible for me to stay, but it is not. Otherwise, I would.

[RandomDood 0]

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Doesnt matter. It is not fair to the Child. The Child will need Stability. Shared Custody like you are proposing is very rare and something the courts try to avoid.

I am a little naive in the stability factors. I feel like being with one of your parents all the time IS stable. I hope I am not coming off in a sarcastic manner because that is not my intention. I guess you are trying to say that it is better for the child to be with one parent all the time? I am not sure.