History of Liberals

[NCclimber 0]

I apologizes if this is a re-post:

***Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen .

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work
for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

[SpeedRacer 1]

Too bad the USA was founded by liberals. Guess we should have stuck with the conservative Tories back in 1776.

<--- BTW, this liberal mostly drinks domestic beer. God Bless America!


PS: I brew my own beer at home. You can't get more domestic than that!

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[NCclimber 0]

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Too bad the USA was founded by liberals.

By today's standards?

[SpeedRacer 1]

Today we have a conservative in power who is spending other people's money like a drunken sailor.

Many people who call themselves conservatives in America would be flaming liberals compared to say, the Taliban.

And as for beer, in the 1920s we had conservative Republicans who wanted to forbid everyone from drinking beer. The liberal Democrats brought it back.

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[NCclimber 0]

Don't forget about which group fought to keep slavery.

[SpeedRacer 1]

Liberals were in favor of abolishing slavery. Good Point!

edited to add: The main political group devoted to ending slavery were termed Liberal Republicans.


At that time, at least on the subject of slavery, many Southern Democrats were the Conservatives (slavery was in the Bible, and the plantation system was preserved as "tradition", a conservative ideal)

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[NCclimber 0]

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Liberals were in favor of abolishing slavery. Good Point!

Way to go Republicans.

[SpeedRacer 1]

Exactly!! The Liberals were in the Republican party back then.

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[Butters 0]

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The main political group devoted to ending slavery were termed Liberal Republicans.

Actually, they were termed Radical Republicans. (Liberal Republicans came later.)

"That looks dangerous." Leopold Stotch

[SpeedRacer 1]

In any case, the abolition of slavery was an essentially liberal idea, whereas maintaining slavery was a conservative idea.

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[crwtom 0]

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Conservatives drink domestic beer.

aka - colored, mildly carbonated water with
chemical foam stabilizers.

US industrial brew (Miller, Coors, etc) is for people who don't really
like the taste of beer, but who like to pee a lot.

Cheers, T

*******************************************************************
Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true

[SpeedRacer 1]

<---this liberal stands firmly behind domestic beer (although not so much the Anheuser Busch/Miller/Coors watery, flavorless crap)

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[Butters 0]

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In any case, the abolition of slavery was an essentially liberal idea, whereas maintaining slavery was a conservative idea.

Depends on the context in which you define liberal and conservative. I believe the abolition of slavery was an essentially moral idea.

"That looks dangerous." Leopold Stotch

[SpeedRacer 1]

yes, I think everyone today now says its a moral idea.

In the 19th century, abolitionists were considered liberals or even radical liberals. If you said at that time that abolitioning the old tradition of slavery was a conservative idea, people would think you were crazy.

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[jakee 1,271]

Quote

Quote

Conservatives drink domestic beer.

aka - colored, mildly carbonated water with
chemical foam stabilizers.

US industrial brew (Miller, Coors, etc) is for people who don't really
like the taste of beer, but who like to pee a lot.

Aah the good old SC micro-brew/ mega-brew debates.

Good memories, good memories.

Do you want to have an ideagasm?

[NCclimber 0]

Here is some more on liberals. Enjoy.

Quote

*1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on
demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. Nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that outdoors men don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion of the Christ for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts
of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.*

[idrankwhat 0]

Quote

I apologizes if this is a re-post:

***

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

You forgot to mention that it was liberals who figured out how to brew beer, documented the migration habits of the deer and discovered fire

[freethefly 6]

Quote

PS: I brew my own beer at home. You can't get more domestic than that!

And... where was the equipment made? China?

"...And once you're gone, you can't come back
When you're out of the blue and into the black."
Neil Young

[Zipp0 1]

Quote

You forgot to mention that it was liberals who figured out how to brew beer, documented the migration habits of the deer and discovered fire

And that Jesus was a liberal.

--------------------------
Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups, he pushes the Earth down.

[jakee 1,271]

1) I don't see any contradiction.
2)Businesses, or unethical business practice?
3)Yeah, 'cos the republicans have done so much to smack down the NK's
4)Might have a point.
5)Better than ignoring the opinions of most of the scientific world.
6)You don't think homosexuality is natural?
7)You don't think AIDS would have spread slower with earlier federal recognition of it and efforts to stop it/ raise awareness of it?
8)What do you have against teachers? Why do you think they are all incompetent?
9)I didn't know all liberals were from SF.
10)Another point.
11)I thought Mel Gibson made Passion to piss off the Jews? Shame really, he used to be fucking cool.
12)NRA = 1 part of the constitution, ACLU = all the others?
13)How to ATM fees contribute to social services, military expenditure, national infrastrusture etc?
14)I have no idea who those two are.
15)Depends how the tests are written. Racial quotas did serve a purpose at one point in time. Probably not any more
16)I don't know why it is but she scares me.
17)Most of western Europe is doing pretty well right now.
18)I'll answer this one once my head has recovered from the spin.
19)Private gay parades, govt funded mangers - see a difference? And again whats with the hating on the gays?
20)Don't know anything about that.
21)Naah, I just think you're stirring the shit

Do you want to have an ideagasm?

[jakee 1,271]

Quote

You forgot to mention that it was liberals who figured out how to brew beer, documented the migration habits of the deer and discovered fire[Tongue]

Yeah, Prometheus was a liberal! Why else would he have wanted to redistribute the wealth from the top down?

Do you want to have an ideagasm?

[idrankwhat 0]

Quote

Quote

You forgot to mention that it was liberals who figured out how to brew beer, documented the migration habits of the deer and discovered fire[Tongue]

Yeah, Prometheus was a liberal! Why else would he have wanted to redistribute the wealth from the top down?

The fire didn't represent "wealth", it was enlightenment. And Zeus was apparently very afraid of enlightened mortals. Funny how "the top's" fears have changed so little

[jumprunner 0]

****1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on
demand.

I always thought they were the same thing.


2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

Other way around. Businesses create prosperity when Bush is out of office, governments create oppression when Bush is in office.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. Nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

I think Rosie O Donnell is fat and ugly. So much for gun control.


5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

And baseball moms driving SUVs. Football moms driving SUVs are okay.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

Do artificial gender roles include transvestites?


7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

Stop screwing and you wont have to worry about federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

Which is easier?

9. You have to believe that outdoors men don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

Nope, only the ones who have never been outside of Montrose in Houston and Austin, TX


10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

You dont have to earn what you should already have.


12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts
of the Constitution.

The ACLU supports certain parts of the constitution?


13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

I dont know any liberals that think taxes are too low. I do know a few that think taxes are illegal.


14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

Well, not Robert E Lee.


15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

Depends on the race.


16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

Only when she is naked and in bed.


17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

I guess you can say the same thing about facsism.


18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

If the only people who belonged in jail were conservatives telling the truth, then all jails would be 100% unoccupied.


21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

I believe everything I see on TV is part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

[Lindsey 0]

*1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

Or that there's a place for both

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

Businesses create prosperity primarily for business owners. Some folks are just thankful for a job. Others wait for a handout. Even the people waiting for a handout should be given some basic necessities....no matter how distasteful we find these people. But giving away too much cripples a lot of people we really intended to help.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. Nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.


4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

There are probably a few good American artists before then, but there's nothing wrong with a little encouragement of the Arts.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

I'm just not smart enough to know, but it's pretty foolish to be driving gas guzzlers when our oil supplies ARE limited.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

The rigidity of gender roles is artificial. Homosexuality is a natural occurrence in the world.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

HIV is spread by sex and other "swapping" of bodily fluids. Federal funding helps to educate people about how to protect themselves from HIV. It's worthwhile, imho.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

I think that a 4th-grade teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read doesn't have any business teaching reading. BUT a teacher who knows how to teach basic human biology is qualified to teach kids about human sexual functioning. A teacher who knows how to teach Health can teach kids about health issues involved with sex.

9. You have to believe that outdoors men don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

silly gay San Franciscans

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

It's sad that you think a young child should earn self esteem. I think a lot of the things we do to protect children's self-esteem actually harms it, though.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion of the Christ for financial gain only.

Never thought about it. I'd like to see the movie though.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts
of the Constitution.

I think both have their place, and both get on my nerves.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

Hah....oh my. I'd like to keep more of my money, but I'm also not too bothered by doing my part....

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

You left out Martin Luther King Jr, Eleanor Roosevelt, Harriet Tubman, and Pocahontas.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

Standardized tests are racially skewed. But it's okay for the playing field not to always be level. It's okay to have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps....to some extent. At some point a referee has to step in an make sure everybody plays at least kinda fair.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

She's definitely not normal. She wouldn't have excelled as she has were she normal. Back when she and Bill used to party at our farm she was nice.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

Nope. And Capitalism is fun if you're good at playing that game.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

Neither. And that doesn't fit any real-life scenario that I'm aware with. There is that liar in the White House who told his lies in order to get us into Iraq....and has lead to all that blood-shed. Is that the one you're talking about? And the other one who got a blow job?

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

Both should be allowed.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

Nope.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.*

Nope. Guess I'm not a lib then....

--
A conservative is just a liberal who's been mugged. A liberal is just a conservative who's been to jail