Who will replace Arafat..?

[miked10270 0]

The answer to this knotty question may well lie in this article from that internationally renowned publication, The Rockall Times.

http://www.therockalltimes.co.uk/2004/11/15/arafat-tribute.html

"While the world mourns the death of Yasser Arafat — Father of a Nation™, Beloved Leader®, Semi-professional Terrorist© — our analysts at The Rockall Times have been tirelessly thumbing through the Middle East edition of Who's Who to identify a likely successor to the Palestinian leader.

He'll be a hard act to follow, to be sure. For 40 long years Arafat fought tirelessly to secure his dream of a Palestinian homeland where laughing children could gambol carefree through the olive groves. Instead, after four decades of intermittant fighting during which both he and the Israelis bored just about everyone in the world senseless with their endless squabbling, he succeeded only in creating a homeland where laughing Israeli troops gambol carefully though the olive groves while shoe-free children bombard them with rocks.

And yet we must remember Arafat's undoubted contributions to humanity — from the 1970s penchant for Intifada chic among left-wing German terrorist organisations to, well, were we to list all of the Great Leader's acheivements they would stretch at least to the end of this sentence, and possibly a short distance beyond.

But that must now be the stuff of history and legend, because the time is upon the nation of Palestine at which it must select a new figurehead, a worthy heir who can herald a new age of another 40 years of intermittant fighting and boring the world senseless with endless squabbling with Israel. The task is an onerous one, to be sure:


Ahmed Qurei: Prime minister Qurei is slated to take temporary control of the Palestinian Authority and is seen by many as the natural permanent successsor to Arafat. Not by the Israelis, though, on the grounds that he is Arab, Palestinian and shared many a happy hour with his old mate Yasser playing Intifada on the X-Box during his boss's long confinement in his Ramala compound.

Ariel Sharon: Sharon has the full backing of the US administration and is likely to prove an effective force in restoring order to the post-Arafat Palestinian proto-state. With plenty of American cash to mount an effective presidential campaign, he can also rely on Israel's military to assist in the lobbying process. Know to be fond of a pie or two, but not pork, which will endear him to the Arab electorate.

Boris Johnson: The highly-talented and ebullient Johnson suddenly finds himself at a loose end after Tory party supremo Vlad the Impaler sacked him for lying over an affair with posh hack babe Petronella Wyatt. Although he has certainly tainted the Conservatives' immaculate record for personal morality and integrity with his sordid fumblings, he can be relied on to raise a laugh with his lightning public-school wit and foppish charm. Might be just what the Middle East needs — a charismatic figurehead who can unite Arab and Jew against their common enemy: the whining Liverpudlian.

John Kerry: The failed US presidential candidate seems now to have few employment options in his native land apart from scrubbing toilets in a fast-food emporium. Palestine, however, could offer the battle-hardened politico a fresh start on the international stage — knocking up concrete for the Israeli security wall for two bucks an hour.

Natasha Kaplinsky: The highly-talented news presenter and front woman for Strictly Come Dancing has never made any secret of her desire to one day run an independent state — any independent state as long as it keeps her handsome visage before the world's TV audiences. Would look very fetching in an Arafat-style keffiyeh and combat fatigues, and no-one would deny that she would blow up airliners or order the kidnap of Israeli athletes were it expedient to the advancement of her cause. Great legs, a slick operator on the dance floor and a winning smile. What more does the cause of world peace need?

Michael Moore: Probably the only man in Christendom who could talk as an equal to Ariel Sharon on that most pressing on international matters: who makes the biggest pies and where can I get some of them right now? Moore has spent so long telling US presidents how to run their country that he is certainly eminently qualified to run his own. And if things turn nasty, the Israelis have only to stop pizza deliveries to Moore's Ramala headquarters to force capitulation in minutes.

Bono: Undoubtedly the only man in Christendom who can talk to any world leader as an equal on that most pressing of international matters: why are you not doing what I tell you right now before I get my mate Sting down here and we peace ballad you into submission? The roving rock pundit has been dispensing wisdom to world potentates for years and would certainly resolve the small matter of a Palestinian homeland in a couple of minutes. The peoples' choice."

But I'm sure that the good people here can come up with even better choices...

Mike.

Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable.

Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode.

[Skyrad 0]

*** Who will replace Arafat?***

Ah, fuck it..i'll give it a bash!

When an author is too meticulous about his style, you may presume that his mind is frivolous and his content flimsy.
Lucius Annaeus Seneca

[Monkeyb 0]

This post tried to be funny, and failed horribly.

Sorry man but this thread is a failure, try again :(