"American" Jokes

[Kennedy 0]

OK, so we keep hearing about how more and more people from more and more places hate America, Americans, and/or the American government.

OK, so tell me some American jokes. There are Polish jokes, Scottish jokes, Canadiadian jokes, and god knows there are French jokes.

So tell me some American jokes.

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Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards.
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[FallRate 0]

Umm...California?

FallRate

[crwmike 0]

The Patriot Act

[Kennedy 0]

Paris.

A punch line does not make a joke. Do I really need to spell it out?

Come on, can anyone tell me an "American" joke that will make me laugh?

witty subliminal message
Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards.
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[FallRate 0]

Quote

Paris...A punch line does not make a joke.

Paris!?

I laughed.

FallRate

[Slink2 0]

I for one thought I'd hear of American's blowing up Iranians after 9/11 ...but nope fuckin pussies! Horst Wessell 2004! Die soldaten darch die stalt meicheren? or what ever that illegal shit is over there! now! AIR-E-I-AN!

[Kennedy 0]

And this is supposed to be funny?

witty subliminal message
Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards.
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[FallRate 0]

Quote

And this is supposed to be funny?

Maybe it's humor inspired by John Cage.

(I will be disappointed if at least one person doesn't get that...the post was deleted...it's blank...anyone?)

FallRate

[miked10270 0]

You know, you are what you eat. It's why the English are called "Le Rosbif", The French are called "Frogs", The Germans are called "Krauts", and the Americans are called fat.

If all the California Girls were laid end to end... Nobody would be surprised.

Florida consists of a beach full of geriatrics and a beach full of drug dealers seperated by a swamp. This is America's idea of a tourist haven.


Rest assured, there's more to come...

Mike.

.

Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable.

Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode.

[shropshire 0]

Al Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens." Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," the child says. "Oh, that's cute," Al Gore says and he runs off.

A couple of days later, Al Gore is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box. Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are." The boy replies, "They're Republicans."

"Whoa!" Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[shropshire 0]

Two Fat American tourists are driving through Wales. They notice a sign
for a place called Betws-y-Coed and decide to head there for something
to eat. As they make their way there they debate the pronunciation of
the town's name.

They stop for lunch and as they stand at the counter, one tourist asks
the girl, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for
us?"

The girl nods.

"Would you please pronounce where we are............ very slowly?"

The girl leans over the counter and says, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrrrrrr
Kinnnnnnnnngggggg."

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[shropshire 0]

Redneck Billy Joe and Redneck Mary Sue are joined in holy matrimony.
They spend their wedding night at the Motel 6 Honeymoon Suite in
Parthenon, Arkansas. They've abstained from the big deed until this
very night. Just as Billy Joe is about to make love to his new wife
for the first time, she stops him.

"Wait, Billy Joe. I just thought you should know... this ain't just
our first time. It's my first time ever. I'm a virgin. I been savin'
myself just for you."

"Whut you say, Mary Sue?"

"I said, I'm a virgin. One hunnert percent cherry. Just for you on our
weddin' night."

"Yore a VIRGIN!?!" He asked somewhat shocked.

"That's right. Please be gentle."

"Gentle? Gentle my ass. I'm outta here!" With that, Billy Joe pulls up
his pants, hard-on and all, and leaves his virgin bride lying alone
and naked. He slams the door, gets in his pickup, and drives home.

"Paw! Paw! Wake up! Yore not gonna believe this!"

"Huh? Billy Joe, whut the hell you doin' here? It's 3am on yore weddin' night! Why the hell ain't you and that purty new wife of yours in a haystack somewhere doing it like rabbits?"

"Paw, I wuz all set to do just that, when Mary Sue up and tells me that she's a virgin!"

"A VIRGIN?"

"That's right, Paw. One hunnert percent cherry. As soon as she told me, I got the hell outta there as fast as I could!"

"Well, son, lemme tell you, you dun the right thing... Cuz if she ain't good enough fer her own fam'ly, she certainly ain't good enough for ours."

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[shropshire 0]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days. Eventually Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the 7th day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards, through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it EARTH and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to the different parts of EARTH, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there, I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Canada, the most glorious place on EARTH. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be balance?"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[miked10270 0]

An athiest dies... And finds himself at the gates of Heaven.

WTF he thinks, but St.Peter beckons him in.

Next thing God is showin him around and they're chatting away...

The Athiest says he's kind of surprised to be here, given that he didn't believe in God, but God says not to worry. Anyone who's lived a good life goes to Heaven.

They wander through heaven, over the beautiful mountains, through the georgeous meadows, past the bubbling brook, pausing only to take in the superb lap dancing bar and Free Brothel... (after all, this is Heaven!)

Then they come to a massive concrete wall. Totally featureless.

The Athiest gets upset. He starts shouting at God "Oh. Here we go. You've shown me Heaven, now it's time to get chucked over the wall into hell is it!"

God hisses "Shut up! For my sake keep your voice down!"

But the Athiest keeps gobbing off: "Well if it isn't Hell, then whats on the other side of that bloody big wall?"

God snaps "STFU!!!! Other side of the wall it's the Mormons... They think they're the only ones here!"

.

Taking the piss out of the FrenchAmericans since before it was fashionable.

Prenait la pisse hors du FrançaisCanadiens méridionaux puisqu'avant lui à la mode.

[Kennedy 0]

(1) political joke, not american, kinda funny

(2) Can be used on any nationality, not relly funny

(3) Arkansas/West Virginia joke, disturbing, not an "American" joke

(4) OK, at least that one was an American joke

(5) Religious joke, funny, not "American"
(though we are to blame for the Mormons)

OK, so we're one for five. C'mon people.

witty subliminal message
Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards.
1*

[shropshire 0]

Hi,
As you imply, some of them could be 'targeted' at almost any country, but that's probably true for 'most' nationality based jokes.
So, I guess that we need some help here... give us some examples of your country based jokes that can NOT be used against any other, than the quoted nation...
Lets have a 'laff' at other peoples expense!

The writting of these jokes does not imply any state of Political/Religeous/Social bigitory on the part of the author.... Terms and conditions apply!!

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[eb66to77 0]

What do you call a person that speaks three languages: Trilingual
What do you call someone who can speak two languages: Bilingual
What do you call someone who can speak one language: American

I love the U.S but this is funny and true for most of it. I guess English is pretty universal. Too bad I am cursed with only knowing Francais et Anglais habiter en Allemagne

[Kennedy 0]

Now THAT'S a funny American joke. It is "American" because it sees something found all too often in the US, and makes fun of it.

witty subliminal message
Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards.
1*

[quade 3]

http://wallofjokes.shacknet.nu/Ethnic/American_Jokes_Telling_Poland.html

http://www.etext.org/Politics/MIM/art/humor/antiamerikanjokes.html

http://jokes.hotusa.org/americans.html

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[Kennedy 0]

Canadian hockey jokes

French hygene, military jokes

British teeth, cooking, driving, weather jokes

Luxembourg's napolean/superiority complex jokes

Austrian "sense of humor" jokes

German "orderly" jokes

American language, litigiousness jokes

witty subliminal message
Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards.
1*

[shropshire 0]

good points all.....well most .... what's with British driving? Clearly only the women and that's stateless!

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[airtwardo 6]

The United States finally achieves it's long time goal
of landing two Americans on Mars...

One "Little Green Man from Mars" looks to his buddy
and says...

"Oh great, we're fucked now...!"

"Whatever do you mean?" the friend replies.

"It's what they do...travel someplace and shit hammer
who ever they find there...you should see happen happened
to the guys where they just CAME from...

...and they were only RED!"

(Told to me by Tonto,
my faithful "Native American" friend!)

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[shropshire 0]

I guess that this may be linked to one of your other threads...(ish)

The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
Support your right to bare arms!

(from http://thejokes.co.uk/american-humor.php

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[champu 1]

Quote

"It's what they do...travel someplace and shit hammer whoever they find there...

Best transitive verb ever.

[crwmike 0]

Quote

Paris.

A punch line does not make a joke. Do I really need to spell it out?

Come on, can anyone tell me an "American" joke that will make me laugh?

Yeah, I was pretty sure you wouldn't get it. Sorry.

Michael