For all the Ladies [smile]

[Slappie 9]

READ THIS BEFORE YOU OPEN THE PICTURE:
A class of elementary students wanted to make a planter to take home and
wanted to have a plant that was easy to take care of in it so it was
decided to use cactus plants. The students planted the cactus seeds in the
planters and they grew nicely but unfortunately were not allowed to take them home.
See attachment to see why. The cactus plants were removed and a small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home.
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[Slappie 9]

How to Drive a Cop Crazy!!
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!
"Drive Fast, Take Chances, Pass on the Right and Talk Back To Cops!!"
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[freeflir29 0]

OMG....That is some very funny shit!
P.S. BEEEEERRR....I'm now a Veteran. Workin on my Asshole tag.See what having a job that keeps you at a computer 8 hrs a day will do!
"This conversation ends right here Captain! You can talk to the ALO when he gets back."-Me
Clay

[Slappie 9]

For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Sunnyvale, CA. THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN HONEST AND NO KIDDING:
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. One 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman-cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. Nor do bags of bread.
20. The fire department in Sunnyvale, CA has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
22. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
23. Eggs in the shell and microwave ovens give a whole new meaning to scrambled.
24. A whole box of some detergents in a washing machine can fill a laundry room to the ceiling or cover a patio to the depth of ten feet if applied to a working hot tub.
25. It costs $358.00 to have water removed from the gas tank and fuel system of a Blazer.
26. In Sunnyvale the police question you if you take an accident-prone child to the emergency twice in three days.
27. It is virtually impossible to flush a cat down the toilet.
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[freeflir29 0]

"Eggs in the shell and microwave ovens give a whole new meaning to scrambled."
He He ........Done that one....Wasn't my house though.....
"This conversation ends right here Captain! You can talk to the ALO when he gets back."-Me
Clay

[Kelly 0]

oh my god.... im calling the convent today!!!!! Sister Kelly... yeah, that has a nice ring to it.....
"i can not attest to what i did, just what i remember...."
~me, after one too many

[Jumperpaula 0]

Quote

P.S. BEEEEERRR....I'm now a Veteran.

Ill take one!
Does becoming a Veteran call for Green Bottled Beer?
Fly Your Slot !

[LittleJumper 0]

Ok...so the person in charge of picking the "happy clown" kinda sorta screwed up....you know where HER mind was at!! So instead of a stiff one, they now have limp ones. Hella funny!!

[Aviatrr 0]

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Does becoming a Veteran call for Green Bottled Beer?

Of course green bottles....the only thing that cheap beer(usually in brown bottles) gets ya is a bunch of pissed off skydivers......ok, so maybe it's just me that gets pissed off.. Mike