canopycudler 0 #1 February 28, 2002 Oil Change Instructions for Women:1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.2. Drink a cup of coffee.3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.Money spent:* Oil Change $20.00* Coffee $1.00* Total $21.00.Oil Change Instructions for Men:1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.3. Open a beer and drink it.4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.7. Place drain pan under engine.8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.9. Give up and use crescent wrench.10. Unscrew drain plug.11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on yourself in the process.12. Clean up mess.13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.14. Look for oil filter wrench.15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.16. Beer.17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.20. Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.24. Remember drain plug from step 11.25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.26. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.27. Drink beer.28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.30. Drink beer.31. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.33. Begin cussing fit.34. Throw wrench.35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.36. Beer.37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.38. Beer.39. Beer.40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.41. Beer.42. Lower car from jack stands.43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step45. Beer.46. Test drive car.47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.48. Car gets impounded.49. Make bail.50. Get car from impound yard.Money spent:* Parts $50.00* DUI $2,500.00* Impound fee $75.00* Bail $1,500.00* Beer $25.00* Total-- $4,150.00 1 potato, 2 potato, 3 potato GO.. 3 potato, 2 potato, 1 potato... THROW!...Tina Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lummy 4 #2 February 28, 2002 I'm just wondering why you're paying the dollar for Coffee when it's free at Jiffy lube ;)Still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kmcguffee 0 #3 February 28, 2002 OK......that was good I must admit. ROFL Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
homer 0 #4 February 28, 2002 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.9. Give up and use crescent wrench.What does a women know about wrenches. GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN!!!!!The things you regret most in life are the risks you didn't take. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MrHixxx 0 #5 February 28, 2002 Oil Change for Women:Whatya mean you have to change the oil?$5000.00 new engine after being ripped off.$500.00 spent on mechanic at topless bar on first date.$50.00 spent at Bath and Body works on products to wash off the taint the mechanic leaves from balling her.$500,000.00 spent raising mechanic's kid after he bails.Priceless : public humiliation on Jerry Springer telling the story.total : $505,550.00Oil Change for man:3.50 for filter at Walmart5.00 for oil at WalmartPriceless : moment of Zen under the car listening to tunes away from the raving bitch in the kitchen.total : $8.50luv, Hixxx"Sous ma tub, Dr. Suess ma tub" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Scratch 0 #6 February 28, 2002 TWO YEAR DEGREE FOR MENA new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of youshould be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just sixmini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn a MA degree (MaleArts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule:MEN 101: Combating StupidityMEN 102: You, Too, Can Do HouseworkMEN 103: PMS - Learn When to Keep Your Mouth ShutMEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for ChristmasWinter Schedule:MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry TechniquesMEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 amMEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn't End with ConceptionEAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to CookEAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook IIECON 001A: What's Hers is HersSpring Schedule:MEN 120: How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're WrongMEN 121: Understanding Your IncompetenceMEN 122: YOU, the Weaker SexMEN 123: Reasons to Give FlowersECON 001C: What Was Yours is HersSECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule:SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without ItSEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a ShowerSEX 103: How to Stay Awake After SexMEN 201: How to Put the Toilet Seat Down(Elective) (See Electives Below)Winter Schedule:MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your DependencyMEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your ChildrenMEN 212: You, Too, Can Be a Designated DriverMEN 213: Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom CruiseMEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are ImportantSpring Schedule:MEN 220: Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not NecessaryMEN 222: Real Men Ask for DirectionsMEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered ForeplayMEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2Course Electives:EAT 101: Cooking with TofuEAT 102: Utilization of Eating UtensilsEAT 103: Burping and Belching DiscreetlyMEN 231: Mothers-in-lawMEN 232: Appear to Be ListeningMEN 233: Just Say "Yes, Dear"ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep HerNow after studying ( and paying) all of this she runs off with the mechanic because you are too much of a wimp and she wants a real man.Women!!!!Whenever I look at one I hear those words from my childhood"Don't touch Sweetie that's hot." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites