SkydiveMonkey 0 #1 April 25, 2002 Please note this is [your company's] new rules and your contracts will be changed, youdo not have a choice!SICKDAYS:We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If youare able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.SURGERY:Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you needall your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired youintact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.PERSONAL DAYS:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are calledSaturday & Sunday.VACATION DAYS:All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. Thevacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deadfriends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to havenon-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employeeinvolvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the lateafternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour andsubsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is doneenough.OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least twoweeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.RESTROOM USE:Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, wewill follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, allemployees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employeeswhose names begin with 'B' will go from8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, itwill be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. Inextreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Bothemployees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition,there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end ofthree minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, andthe stall door will open.LUNCH BREAK:Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so thatthey can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get abalance meal to maintain thee average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes forlunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim fast & take a dietpill.DRESS CODE:It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, ifwe see you wearing $350 Prada shoes & carrying a $600 Guccibag we assume you are doing well financial and therefore you do not needa raise.Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide apositive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's,or input should be directed elsewhere.Have a nice week,Management Danger could be my middle name. But it's Paul. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bhale 0 #2 April 25, 2002 That is my company! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites