BillyVance 34 #1 May 24, 2005 Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Southerners up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing." The Lord said, "Southerners are southerners, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this.... Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Southerners have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning." Who said Southerners didn't know how to raise Hell? "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Salsa_John 0 #3 May 24, 2005 We can raise hell to 18,000 feet! Yeehaa! "You did what?!?!" MUFF #3722, TDSM #72, Orfun #26, Nachos Rodriguez Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wartload 0 #4 May 24, 2005 An elderly gent from rural Alabama was driving into town one day. As he approached a high bridge, he saw what appeared to be a young man ... about to jump. He raced onto the bridge and tried to talk the fellow out of ending his life. "Think of your parents, son! They'd be devastated!" "I never knew my parents. I'm an orphan." "Then think of your brothers and sisters. They'd be even more alone without you!" "I don't have any." "Surely someone will miss you ... have you a wife?" "I did, but she ran away with my only friend." Reaching for one last opportunity, the old man tried a different approach ... "Then think of Robert E. Lee! Would you have him know that a good Southern boy died the death of a coward?" "Who's Robert E. Lee?" "Jump, you yankee bastard!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dixieskydiver 0 #5 May 24, 2005 A little southern lexicon: Naked - without clothing Nekkid - naked and up to something Dixie HISPA #56 Facil Rodriguez "Scientific research has shown that 60% of the time, it works every time." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
namgrunt 0 #6 May 25, 2005 L.A. =lower alabama live in the country means not having to lock the doors at night knowing your neighbors having a garden hunting best looking women in the country saying "hi" ,morning< seya,smileing walking slow being happy you yankees lost yankee+ north person who visets DAN yankee+ north person who stays ..59 YEARS,OVERWEIGHT,BALDIND,X-GRUNT LAST MIL. JUMP VIET-NAM(QUAN-TRI) www.dzmemories.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fallingchip 0 #7 May 25, 2005 QuoteL.A. =lower alabama live in the country means not having to lock the doors at night knowing your neighbors having a garden hunting best looking women in the country saying "hi" ,morning< seya,smileing walking slow being happy you yankees lost yankee+ north person who visets DAN yankee+ north person who stays .. "Uh, what did you say? Did you say YUTES?" "Oh, I'm sorry your honor, "Y-O-U-T-H-S" (My cousin Vinny...just came to mind reading your post)______________________________________________ "A radical man is a man with both feet firmly planted in the air." -Franklin Delano Roosevelt Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
aerohaga 0 #8 May 25, 2005 Things I've Learned About West Virginia.. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air. There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in West Virginia. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in WestVirginia, plus a couple that nobody has seen before. Squirrels will eat anything. Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants. Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites. A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck. Onced and Twiced are words. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy. Black ants consider your flesh as a picnic. People actually grow and eat okra. "Fixinto" is one word. There ain't no such thing as "lunch." here's "dinner" and then there's "supper." Sweet tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. "Backards and forwards" means, "I know everything about you." "Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?" You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.For my part, I know nothing with any certainty, But the sight of the stars makes me dream. -Vincent Van Gogh Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
aerohaga 0 #9 May 25, 2005 You know you're from West Virginia if... 1. You measure distance in minutes 2. You've ever had to switch from heat to air conditioning in the same day. 3. You see a car running in a store parking lot with no one in it no matter what time of the year. 4. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store. 5. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal. 6. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 7. You carry jumper cables in your car...for your OWN car. 8. You know what "cow tipping" is. 9. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete and catsup. 10. The local papers cover national and international news on one page and six pages for local gossip and sports. 11. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. 12. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm." 13 Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "Goin' wal-martin"or "Off to ' Wally World'." 14 You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather. 15. You understand these and share them with your friends from WV (and those who just wish they were). For my part, I know nothing with any certainty, But the sight of the stars makes me dream. -Vincent Van Gogh Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dixieskydiver 0 #10 May 25, 2005 Some of these apply to South Carolina. Also WV isn´t in the south, those people are just Hillybillies that happen to have a nice bridge. Dixie HISPA #56 Facil Rodriguez "Scientific research has shown that 60% of the time, it works every time." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
yardhippie 0 #11 May 25, 2005 QuoteSome of these apply to South Carolina. Also WV isn´t in the south, those people are just Hillybillies that happen to have a nice bridge. almost all of them apply to Arkansas, but no matter what the commercials say. We hate Walmart aka Wally World. Most would rather have our flesh peeled from from our bodies while swimming in a lake of alcohol, than have to go there. Im fixing to go to Lowes this evenin. Goddam dirty hippies piss me off! ~GFD "What do I get for closing your rig?" ~ me "Anything you want." ~ female skydiver Mohoso Rodriguez #865 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amanduh 0 #12 May 25, 2005 That's great, Billy!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
