Pilot Radio Humor

[DShiznit 0]

Got this in email, seen it before, but funny nonetheless...

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world. Remember that all pilots on that frequency, in that area, hear the conversations.

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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.

If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine (of eight engines) shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told b by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

[chronistin 0]

Classic! I also like these (also classic, but always worth a re-read)

Quote

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics and other ground crew any problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics/ground crew read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers or ground crew.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: The autopilot doesn't.
S: IT DOES NOW.

P: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
S: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Pilot's clock inoperative.
S: Wound clock.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: 3 roaches in cabin.
S: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
S: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

P: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
S: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

P: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
S: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

P: Whining sound heard on #2 engine shutdown.
S: Pilot removed from aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Funny sounds from behind instrument panel.
S: Installed non-funny sounds.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to "straighten up, fly right, and be serious".

P: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
S: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

P: Turn-and-slip indicator ball stuck in centre during turns.
S: Congratulations. You have just made your first co-ordinated turn.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
S: Fresh seat cushion on order.

P: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
S: Ground checks OK.

P: Weather radar went ape!
S: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess.

And this one from a pilot instructor who ejected from a military trainer aircraft:
P: Reason for emergency eject: Landing gear would not retract
S: Aircraft had fixed landing gear. Aircraft written off.

Aerospace engineer Adam Leech submitted the following joke "gripes" after a couple of occasions in which RAF Harriers had ditched into the sea or the River Yeo.

P: Indication of moisture in intake.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.

P: Electrical shorting in controls due to moisture ingress.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.

P: Tendency for canopy to mist up.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.

P: Numerous water leaks from fuselage.
S: That's because you ditched in the sea again.

Chronistin
(Home @ http://www.fallschirmspringer.net/)

[n2skdvn 0]

heres one i got off this site

I have a Helio Courier, an STOL airplane that can fly at very low airspeeds. On approach to my home airport, I was flying slowly down the 5,000-foot runway to the end where my hangar is. With a stiff headwind, I probably had a groundspeed below 15 knots.

Finally, an exasperated tower controller said, "Helio Courier on 24 Left, could you please just land and taxi to your hangar? It'd be quicker...."

if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
my site

[SpeedRacer 1]

The pilot solo thread got me thinking of these

Speed Racer
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