Shark 0 #1 June 4, 2001 THE BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE:SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him.SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer.SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar.SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights. FAULT: Insufficient beer intake. ACTION: Up the dosage.SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt. FAULT: You've been walking into things. ACTION: Maintain dosage.SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands. FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts. ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around. FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride. ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zennie 0 #2 June 4, 2001 What's really scary is that this could have come in really handy when I was in college. Funny though! ------------Blue Skies!Zennie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shermanator 3 #3 December 21, 2007 wow! its an oldie, but a classic! long live the shark.CLICK HERE! new blog posted 9/21/08 CSA #720 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites