Why Pilots Prefer Airplanes to Women * Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch. * Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go." * Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection. * Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations. * Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flow before. * Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time. * Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes. * Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines. * Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong. * However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the next flight of that plane can review the form before taking off. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and responses with P = the problem logged by the pilot, S = the solution and action taken by engineers. Qantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude -hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're there for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed
