tunaplanet 0 #1 December 6, 2003 The Top 10 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Technical Support 10. So, what are you wearing? 9. Bummer! Duuuuuuuude! 8. Looks like you're going to need some new dilythium crystals, Capt'n. 7. Press 1 for support. Press 2 if you want it today. Press 3 to buy the company. 6. We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of Duct Tape, and a car battery. 5. I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. 4. In layman's terms, it's kaput! 3. Hold on a second....MOM! Timmy's hitting me! 2. Okay, turn to page 463 in your copy of Dianetics. 1. Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney. Things Not To Say to Police Officers: 1. Are you Andy or Barney? 2. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 3. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer. 4. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 5. I pay your salary! 6. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 7. Hey, you must've been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! 10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. STATE SLOGANS Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney ... North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really! Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!! Animals Have The Darndest Thoughts Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl." Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!" Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!" Goldfish: "The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!" Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!" Dog: "Human legs that just tease." Cat: "Why are these people in my house?" Dog: "What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?" Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!" TOP 10 REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED (okay - 11) 11. No one ever steals your chair. 10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 7. So that -with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume. 6. You want to see if it's like the dream. 5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources. 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. ... And (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked: 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Father When Picking Up His Daughter For A Date "Now.. show me how you used to spank her." "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?" "I just got my license today." "Five bucks says she's a D-cup." "You taught her to swallow, didn't you?" "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?" "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'" "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature." "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter." "I feel like we both have something in common, she calls ME daddy too!" THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE 17. "I finished the Oreos" 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!" 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl" 12. "Darned if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprize visit from that Richard Simmons fella. ' 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!" 10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth? 8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 7. "Get your *own* ice cream." 6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today!" 5. "Got milk?" 4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." 3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" 2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water." ... and finally ... 1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger....." Quick Driver Identification Here are some simple guidelines for helping you determine where a driver comes from: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in CALIFORNIA Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA The Worlds Thinnest Books MY LIFE'S MEMORIES - by Ronald Reagan BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - by John Denver HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - by Dan Marino THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton WOMEN I HAVEN'T SEXUALLY HARASSED - by Bill Clinton THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD - by Bill Gates THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY THE WORLD'S MOST TALENTED RAP MUSICIANS MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Ok, hope you enjoyed those. Man these beers are good. Mmmmmmm...beeeeeeeer..... Forty-two Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyIvan 0 #2 December 6, 2003 Hey Tuna....are you a frustrated comedian? Anyway...this time I'm here on business. __________________________________________ Blue Skies and May the Force be with you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tunaplanet 0 #3 December 6, 2003 If I was a comedian I would be homeless, begging families for spare change for bus fare (beer). Forty-two Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
