A Halloween Party

[Hipwrddude 0]

This past weekend was one of the most memorable Halloweens I’ve ever had. Before I get started I just want to say some names have been changed to conceal the guilty.
Although I arrived at my buddy Bill’s house two hours before the party, we showed up sober an hour late. Muscular Bill came as a Flapper Girl, replete with black dress, exposed biceps, net stockings and boots while I, duh, showed up as a skydiver. Okay, corny, I know. But it’s an easy crowd and I got snookered on short notice. Although I’ve known Bill a long time, I never knew how much he liked his body. Must have been the outfit. It seems like every time I go out partying with my buds in the Harrisburg area, I always find a way to puke. I crossed my fingers.
Ryan and Sharon, hosting the party, are quietly the talk of the party. I don’t know what the big deal is… so what if they have a tripod mounted video camera in their bedroom? While food is in the kitchen, the party is in their large basement. There, I meet a host of people, many of which I can’t recall their names. Young Noel, a 6’3” slim Italian fella, is, I’m told, very handsome (I’ve never been a good judge of looks for guys.) An Air Force sergeant; Iraq war vet; he, in a very animated fashion, proceeds to tell a small audience about his last love, who he had no sexual attraction for, and his new love, who he can’t commit to. Bill’s 70-something parents exit. Suddenly, in the middle of the party, internet ordained Minister Sharon conducts a wedding ceremony for Darryl and Cynthia. And it’s real! Moments later the cake falls over and everyone laughs. In short order beer guzzling, daiquiris and shots follow with Noel doing the beer chugging honors. Somehow, in all that fiasco, Bill and I end up outside on the deck with rock music kickin’ from Ryan and Sharon’s neighbors’ house. When I turn to Bill the plan is hatched.
If the, “it’s not easy bein’ cheesy” costumes from our party don’t tell everyone we’re handcuffs away from white trash, the neighbor’s professionally tailored costumes do. These cats went all out! From Satan to rocker Slash, to Football player and car accident victims, these outfits were A-rated Hollywood material. After securing the objective (more beer) in their garage, we proceed to introduce ourselves and mingle with the crowd. We meet Grog and his wife (name?) Okay, it’s beer on an empty stomach, okay? Anyway, they look more Flintstoned then the Flintstones. Although she’s not particularly attractive, her outfit and stunning legs stir with animal magnetism. I then proceed to say something stupid like, “With legs that hot no wonder Grog ran after you.” He hands me a “Grog for President” finger sign which I slip under my tank top t-shirt. It’s then that the owner of the house, Tim, introduces himself and his wife Lois, in Amish getup. Lois, an alluring dirty blonde with a slight resemblance to a friends’ ex-wife, moves with beautiful serenity. Tim steals back my attention with how he met her at Disney World while vacationing with his daughter and she, with her son. The first time the newlyweds met, at a Disney snack bar, she shot him down. Somehow he mustered the courage to talk to her again, when Cupid struck. I suddenly thought about when this happened to me awhile back. I was standing at the swoop pond when she walked by. Suddenly, in the sky above her, a fat cherub shot an arrow at me, giggled and flew off. I still haven’t met her and life’s been hell ever since.
After rassling with the kids at the party that started with some Jiu Jitsu submissions, I ended up back in the garage in a circle of people with Lois grabbing my bicep. To convince me how strong she was, a biceps flex turned into some stand up rasslin. The moment I reached back and picked her up in the air, Tim came into the room. I knew instantly I had f**ked up. She clung to him like Velcro. Pangs of jealousy peered through his eyes. After a decent interval, it was time to go.
Now 2 a.m., the party back at Ryan and Sharon’s was fading. While later I learned that “G” had nude photos on the internet as well as a video of her manhandling a vibrating object, she was just a buxom acquaintance when we met. As conversations go, this one went sexual, with something about “neighbor guy” stopping by to “give the pleasure.” The next thing I know “G” is on my lap outside next to the hot tub wanting to tongue wrestle with her pierced tongue and cigarette breath. It was time to go. Now I know some of you are saying, “Man I’d hit it!” etc. I’ll just plead, “2 paragraphs up.”
Noel, we heard, tried to leave the party on his motorcycle but got a ride instead. A cop picked them up when they pulled over for Noel to puke, and the same cop continued to follow them another puke and 20 miles later. They said it was a stressful ride except for passed out Noel.
When we got home to Bill’s at 3:30 a.m. I was fading fast. My friend Don watched from inside the house as I said to Bill, “Bill, I’m a man of class and distinction, would you mind?” Bill nodded and looked the other way as I vomited on his flower garden (I forgot to aim.) Inside I brushed by Don, flopped on the couch and crashed next to some stinky feet I wouldn’t realize were so stinky til a 7 a.m. hangover call (kids were everywhere.) Goodness grief. I should eat before drinking or eat and not drink. Oh hell.
How was your Halloween?

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