jono

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Posts posted by jono

  4. Bit of a long read but had me chuckling...:D

    The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy Christ, what the H*** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced from all of the beer!

    Chlli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. pimple face is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    Judge #3-- I s*** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.

    Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s*** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my throat.

    Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to the really hot chili?

    Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

  5. Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
    He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
    The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
    It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
    He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
    'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike
    is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
    It protects it from the rain.' (true)
    And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
    parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
    But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
    'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
    In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
    'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
    Joe is shocked.
    Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
    In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
    Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
    Dirty dishes.
    They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
    As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
    So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
    No one says a word.
    So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
    Still, nobody says a word.
    So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
    table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
    His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and
    her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
    He looks at her mom.
    'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
    So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
    After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
    Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is
    pleasantly beaming.
    But still.... Total silence.
    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
    Suddenly the father shouted.
    I'll do the f*ckin' dishes..!
    Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

  8. A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
    An undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.”
    The man thought about it for a while and then told him, “I see. Well, you’d better ship her home then.”
    The undertaker asked “Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $150?”
    The man said, “A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”
    Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

  12. Faicon9493

    "You asshole! You stayed for the sunset load, didn't you?"



    I always get a good chuckle out of this thread but this ^^^ got a lol.
    A joke only a skydiver would really appreciate!! :D:D
    Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

  17. ryoder

    Fark: "Australian wildlife no longer satisfied with just trying to kill you. Now it uses other wildlife as a weapon"

    http://www.sbs.com.au/comedy/article/2016/08/31/australia-beautiful-see-hawk-literally-throw-snake-innocent-family



    Fake :D
    https://au.news.yahoo.com/a/32507165/hawk-throwing-snake-viral-video-is-fake-hawthorn-claims-responsibility/#page1
    Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

  19. Chiquita

    Not sure why that link didn't work, but here's a new one

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3484447/Romanian-wife-rips-husband-s-testicles-International-Women-s-Day-refused-housework.html



    "I thought maybe that some ice would solve the problem, but he insisted on calling an ambulance. He was pretty annoyed."
    :o[:/]:o

    ^^That right there has to be the understatement of the year!!
    Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

  25. A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

    She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

    Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”

    “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

    “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

    “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

    Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

    “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
    Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.