Orygun

"Team Wife"??? - When's our honeymoon baby?

Oh Yea - Lesson Learned #11 - NEVER, NEVER - fall asleep.

Thought I'd provide you all with an update. Here are the top 10 things I have learned so far... 10. I am morbidly obese… …and because of that I am relegated to flying a “huge” canopy – nearly 100 square feet. In an apparent attempt to lessen the social awkwardness created by my “weight problem” – the team is having me wear more weights than I use when I go scuba diving. 9. I can run faster than I ever thought possible… …see number 10. 8. Ibuprofin is better than Tylenol… …since this “CRW Candy” is usually washed down with JD and coke, and the team is very health conscious, they use the pain killer that damages kidneys, not livers. 7. Jello shots are for breakfast… …I really should have known THIS already – I mean, they are portable, fruity, cool, easily digested, and hard to detect on your breath. 6. I am a shitty canopy pilot, shitty, shitty shitty… …I’ve taken a canopy piloting course or two, and always felt that I was a reasonably competent canopy pilot – OH HOW WRONG I WAS! 5. Two goats are worth 1 large bottle of Jack… …important information considering these uncertain financial times. 4. I am a shitty packer, shitty, shitty, shitty… …no D bag? Packing is like poking a cat out from underneath a porch with a wet rope on a 100 degree day. Oh, and hoping you haven’t packed a spinning mal…. 3. When Stretch gives you the “Start Drinking” sign – even if its 10am on Sunday morning before you’ve made your first jump – its best to back away from the aircraft and start drinking… …and get ready to catch tandems – thank God someone was considerate enough to buy cups with lids! 2. Sometimes when the guy below you in the stack is yelling – its not because you are doing a great job as base… …its because you have kicked into his C lines and you are collapsing his canopy. Geesh – the guys can be SO touchy! 1. Never, Never – piss off Sharon… …my first and most important lesson.

Hey! You told me it would cost me 200 bucks!

Since there was no skydiving to be done and the team continues to extort money from me, I tried to improve my financial situation by stealing wallets and going through purses at the party. Unfortunately - here is a (partial) inventory of what I found: 1/2 of a jump ticket $2 worth of food stamps 1 unused trojan condom with an expiration date of June 1978 1 badly damaged roach clip 1 empty perscription bottle of Valium 1 "2 week" AA chip 3 small rubber bands 1 partially smoked clove cigarette 1 torn business card from a tattoo and piercing parlor 1 forged green card 39 cents in change

The goats helped me do the brakes! They are generally a higher class of people than the skydivers! (smell better too)

You know - I wouldnt mind the goats so much - its just that they keep trying to give me the ugly one!

Sorry, but I have to question the wisdom of letting someone who calls himself "ORGASMO" anywhere near your feet - On the other hand maybe it is a really, really GOOD idea...

Does she suck as much as you do? top If she sucked THAT much, I would've married her!

Well...I once dated a girl from Florida - does THAT count???

Cold, Cloudy with the chance of rain...perfect weather for shooting bears out the window of my single wide with my 50 cal pistol!

CRAP - I thought NO ONE would recognize me with the beard I grew for the show... And dont worry, I'm sure that topdockers whining will subside once he gets used to me...

Great, now my painful death is being used as a "draw" for a CRW event! (but thanks for getting my name right)

Yikes - CRW involves human sacrifice??? I HAD NO IDEA! Thanks for the tip - I'll watch my P's and Q's...

I would be glad to give you one of those apologies! top Really, Ms Smails, you dont need to continue to apologize to me. I already accepted your FIRST apology. Being a magnanimous person of integrity, I have already put the electronic harrassment behind me and am willing and ready to start anew - "fresh" as it were (like the spring flowers that will soon be blossoming). My one real hope for you is that you can "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps", rise to the occasion, use me for an example - and do the same! In this way you can cement yourself as a pillar in the skydiving community - befitting someone of your advancing years. Eventually you could become a real example to younger, upcoming skydivers - like chase....and myself.

reply] Cuz the odds of YOU coming to your senses are probably zero! top Hmmm....kind of a strange apology - But I accept your apology too!

I will apologize in person, just get within bitch slapping -- oops I mean hand shaking -- distance of me. I just can't wait to squeeze your little neck -- ooops I mean give you a big hug! No need to apologize in person. I accept your apology. And I am glad that at least one of you is coming to his/her senses!

Aha! Finally - the moderator! I expect those apologies will start rolling in very soon!

Then you could skip coming in the house and just sleep in the garage. That would save a ton of time! You people have hijacked my thread and twisted my words! I was merely trying to get the answers to a couple of innocent questions regarding joining a CRW team...and still no signs of a moderator!

What was that again? top Oooh! Oooh! I know, I know! DON'T PISS OFF SHARON! (see, I'm trainable!)

Yeah! I'm with you guys! We should really haze that FNG! Something extra-humiliating. That'll teach him for being an f'n new guy! How do I join this "Newbie Torture Committee" anyway??? Will it cost me more money???

Top - docker aka Ms. Smails - I know we've been joking around here, but I really appreciate your guidance and support! I have learned to respect my elders and want you to know how much I look forward to learning many life lessons and cautionary tales from you! When I get to be YOUR age - I hope I am still able to skydive!

Yikes - in that case, I'm sure glad I didnt ask for the "girlfriend treatment"! -Or is that what the goat was for???

Being slobbered on by a retarded dog is NOT "extra security"!

Oh no problem! Let me do some accounting here. Let's see - Looking at the stunts I have performed for your entertainment and the standard rates: Fire gag - $2,000 Skydiving Stunt - $,1500 Animal wrangling - $500 Nude Modeling - $250 Bar Tab $5,000 Meal Preparation - $150 Less Team Fees - You folks only owe me about $8,000 - You wanna write me a check - or should we keep it on account? (I'm assuming you're good for it)