SpeedRacer 1 #1 February 28, 2005 would life be better or worse? discuss amongst yourselves..... anyway, here are only the headlines from the first of seven pages of headlines regarding aliens: WORLD-SHAKING DISCOVERY... UFO FOUND ON BEACH AFTER KILLER TSUNAMI An astounding discovery of cosmic proportions has been made in the wake of the horrific Asian tsunami that has killed more than 150,000 men, women and children. HARVARD PROF. CONFIRMS ABDUCTIONS ARE REAL! Dr. John Mack's studies prove that abductions are real. HOW TO TELL IF YOUR PROSTITUTE IS AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL Here, from government experts, are 10 warning signs that the prostitute you've picked up is a sinister space babe... ALIENS CLAIM JACKO IS THEIR SON AN ALIEN couple, who claim to be Michael Jackson's real parents are suing Earth for full custody of him, says a man who claims to be an attorney for the ETs. ALIENS USING E-MAIL TO SEDUCE EARTH WOMEN Aliens have tapped into our Internet connections ALIENS CAPTURE TOP-SECRET NASA MOON BASE! A super-secret NASA moon base -- code-named Project Prometheus -- was recently assaulted and captured by aliens, according to a high-ranking NASA official who spoke only on condition of anonymity. SPACE ALIEN MUMMY STUNS SCIENTISTS! LAHUN, EGYPT -- Officials have quietly covered up what may be the most stunning archaeological discovery of all time: The body of a perfectly preserved, carefully mummified space alien found buried in an ancient pyramid! 'SPACE ALIENS SIGNED THE MOON OVER TO ME. . . AND I HAVE THE CONTRACT TO PROVE IT!' ALBANY, N.Y. -- When entrepreneur Gregory Stanford was abducted by aliens, he didn't panic and beg his space-traveling captors for release. Instead, he used his business savvy to strike a deal with his extraterrestrial kidnappers, ending up with a deed to the moon! ALIEN ABDUCTION INSURANCE POLICIES ALTAMONTE SPRINGS, Fla. -- If you've ever worried about who will take care of you and your family in the event that you get abducted by aliens, there's good news -- you can take out an alien abduction insurance policy! ETs CRASHED IN CHINA 12,000 YEARS AGO -- A whopping 12,000 years ago -- long before the famous Roswell UFO wreck made headlines in America -- an alien spaceship crashed in China. And pint-size descendants of the occupants are still living in a remote Chinese village today! Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
soulshine 0 #2 February 28, 2005 QuoteALIENS USING E-MAIL TO SEDUCE EARTH WOMEN Aliens have tapped into our Internet connections Hell, with my luck with men, I may just be open to giving aliens a try! Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity! ~DEVIOUS BEEF~~FGF #69~ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lizard 0 #3 February 28, 2005 If they want custody of Michael Jackson, I vote we just hand him over... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedRacer 1 #4 February 28, 2005 From weekly world news: GREAT NEWS FOR BEER DRINKERS ... SUDS MAKE YOU SMARTER By G.A. GUNN Albert Einstein downed two sixpacks a day, says researcher Dr. Andrew Martin. "So that should tell you something right there. The old boy had cases of Bud delivered to him no matter where he was in the world. He knew his amazing brain cells depended on his brewskies." Dr. Martin led an international team of scientists on a three-year study on the effects of beer on human intelligence. "And the results were clear," he says. "The more beer people drink, the higher their intelligence. We discovered that the two six-pack a day man or woman had an IQ at least 10 points higher than their booze or wine drinking contemporaries. And the more beer they drank, the smarter they were." More than 200 scientists from the world's great beer drinking countries, including the United States, Germany, Britain and the Netherlands took part in the study. The French, a wine-drinking nation, refused to join in the research. "And that didn't surprise us," Dr. Martin says. "The French don't drink beer, and in their 1200-year history they've only been smart enough to invent the croissant. If they drank suds instead of swill, they could've been as smart as the Germans -- maybe smarter. "Alas, I think it's now too late for them. Despite the results of our study, the French government says its people will stick to wine, saying beer is too potent a drink." "Better to be dumb than numb, we always say," declares a government spokesman in Paris. Dr. Martin says college students who drink beer regularly, graduate with top honors at a rate four times higher than the non-drinkers on campus. The two six-pack a day grad also climbs to the top of his or her chosen profession faster than the booze or wine drinking colleagues. "More than 60 years ago, Einstein published his Theory of Relativity to a stunned and admiring world," Dr. Martin says. "But he also led the way to an even greater discovery -- that Bud is brain food." The researchers found no difference in IQ based on beer types and brands. "The kind of beer you drink doesn't seem to make a difference," Dr. Martin says. "We found Miller drinkers were just as smart as Bud drinkers, though people who drank nonalcoholic brews were just as dumb as the French." Dr. Martin says that, based on his research, he will ask the U.S. government to supply free beer to college students, two six-packs a day or the equivalent from kegs. "This is a golden opportunity for our leaders to ensure a steady crop of brilliant graduates year after year," he says. "And the cost will be minimal, since beer is cheap and plentiful. I believe that very soon we will see a keg for every kid." Cheers! Published on: 02/04/2005 Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
