Rant: British style

[Slappie 9]

I'm not sure how I came by this but I feel selfish not sharing it.



Dear Cretins...

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and
alarm monitoring.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as
ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me
to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your
professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties --
or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
reading material as you while away the working day smoking BH and
drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in
my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further
57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even
more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your
helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my
testicles for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no-doubt
both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital
tools-such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15
telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I
had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet
servers downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and
midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still
waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have
been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut
off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been
redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is
closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other
variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter,
as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers
to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important
testicle moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to
voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending
hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy
piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere,
ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive
to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL,
and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I
therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction
and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are.
You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the
highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant
beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed
to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with
hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and
even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's
litter tray, as an _expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
not become dessicated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist
at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment
if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate
texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards
NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life,
you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of
twits.

"Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them."

[2fat2fly 0]

I'm filing this to use as a reference the next time I have to interact with my cable comoany

I am not the man. But the man knows my name...and he's worried

[BillyVance 34]

It was too easy to visualize John Cleese doing the rant.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban