husky

Dear all... Obviously, this is an old thread. I spent a very long time trying to decide if I wanted to uproot it again or not, but in the interests of public information and shining light on something so rooted in secrecy and shame, decided to do so. Despite our very happy marriage, it turns out my husband led a double life of a sex addict. Sex addiction is as much about sex as gambling addiction is about money. It is an attachment disorder more than an addiction. He lived his entire life that way, superficially one way, underneath living a very dark and horrible double life, and I had absolutely no idea. No one did. This started when he was 7-8 years old. He turned me down because sex with me was not just sex, it was connection. Connection is scary to a sex addict since it is not about control, fantasy, or power. They are wracked with guilt when they act out, and yet they are so full of shame that they do not know how to break out of the quicksand of lies, embarrassment, pain, regret, and everything else that sucks them in to that world. Statistics say that 6-7% of the population are sex addicts. It is completely invisible. It may not involve actual sex, but more often involves masturbation, fantasy, etc. These people isolate themselves, consider themselves having no friends, never reach out to others, and over 80% have been sexually abused as children. The details of my situation don't matter. I always thought sex addiction was just a term used as an excuse to cheat. After reading through reams of primary research and experiencing Sexaholics Anonymous and SAnon materials, the books of Patrick Carnes, and a host of others that do the research in the field, I learned that I was very wrong. Yes, the term is over used and is used as an excuse sometimes, but it is also a very real and horrible condition. I am posting just to raise a little awareness, and if others have faced the reality of living this hell as either addict or spouse, well, you're not alone.

Should you put a little lemon juice and tabasco on first?

Your description didn't sound too bad to follow, I'll give it a whirl. Worst case scenario, we have fun making idiotic faces at each other

Hmm, hadn't considered the DM end of it. He has had bloodwork for a normal physical and everything was fine, but will make sure an HbA1c/FBS was done. He blew my mind yesterday actually being willing to talk to a doc. We had a really good conversation last night about all of this. We are always open with each other (we're horrible at hiding anything from each other, we read each other well), but this thread gave us some different angles to look at that we hadn't considered. I may even try having us both choke down an oyster. We both don't like them, but we're also open to giving just about anything a whirl.

I will definitely drug him with zinc Will also try the oyster thing. I also never discuss anything not perfect about our relationship (which is why the anonymous post). None of our friends know what is going on. Fortunately, we very rarely have any issues at all, so really nothing negative to tell anyway.

There definitely isn't nagging/pleading/whining, etc on my part. I'll bring it up every once in a while (once every few weeks) and I know it isn't me, so that doesn't come up either. There's lots of naked around here. I can't remember the last time I showered alone in the evenings, we sleep naked every night. I'm sure he'll be willing to try the vitamin thing. We don't do much by way of junk food since I'm still working on losing a little more weight. Everything is cooked from scratch, and he usually does it since he's home before me every night (one more way he really does take good care of me) He definitely agreed that he's gotten complacent and has been taking me for granted, that really was a good thing for him to actually notice for himself. We're both in this for the long term, there's absolutely no chance of any form of abandonment. He has agreed it's a problem, he will probably bring it up to a doctor in the near future. I'll look up the sex foods online (gag on oysters!!) I will make him do a little more chasing, and he has agreed to pay attention to the fact that he's married to an incredible woman. And he did pay plenty of attention to that last night

I think it's a really good hijack. Even printed out GFD's quote, we both really liked that. It's been a good thread, buddhism and all, got both of us talking more and seeing things from different angles. You guys are great, slightly nuts of course, but great. Oh, he's definitely not gay, I asked

I already have the sex toy thing taken care of, definitely not shy about meeting my own needs

I agree. Lack of sex alone, at least in my case, would not make me want to get divorced. The lack of sex negatively impacting my self esteem which causes and increase in arguements about other things unrelated to sex and eventually making it a miserable marriage, THAT would make me question the marriage. I love my husband and my marriage enough to do whatever I can to avoid this.

I highly doubt that he has self esteem issues. He's not a very complex guy, he just takes every moment as it's handed to him, not much makes him angry, he's extremely secure in himself and doesn't really care what anyone thinks of him. I've always had a lot of admiration for him because of that. I'll bring it up to him just in case though. He's one damn fine looking man, though, and he knows that I think so

I agree completely. Especially with the knowing that if I'm not exactly horny to start with, I will be within a very short period of time, so have no problem giving in, and I've never regretted it. He does not feel the same way. Even if I try to start something, he'll just flat out say he's not interested instead of giving me a minute to get him interested. I'm shot down before being given a chance. Lately, I haven't even bothered to try.

I have a tough time disagreeing with this too, no matter how much I want to. However, I also don't want sex to be a chore or a compromise. We both deserve better than that. I have no problem with you voicing your opinion. The odds of him being gay are extremely remote, but your guess via Internet is just as valid as anyone else's Internet guess without knowing us.

There is physical affection. Most nights we sleep curled up together. Every night we cuddle up on the couch. He is quick with hugs. There's definitely flirting and groping on a regular basis on both of our parts. We dance in public to imaginary music. No lack of touching, just total lack of sex.

Nope, no kids. He's probably going to be having a vasectomy in the near future so I can go off birth control. We both want to adopt the older kids that are in foster care rather than have biological children. Something we have both wanted to do since before we met each other, so neither of us has compromised on anything there. In our case, there is no happy middle ground. He will give absolutely nothing at all. I'm to the point of just giving up on it, and that isn't fair to me. I'm trying so hard not to let all this affect other areas of our marriage, it's been going on for a year though.

I agree completely. And I do know that my self image issues have absolutely nothing to do with him. His lack of interest definitely spurs my own lack of self worth, but not because he thinks I'm worthless... it's in my own head. I'm doing my best not to let it affect our marriage.