Carter Blunt

Honestly, I don't even give a fuck anymore. I'm done biting my tongue and begging to be accepted. All those narcissist assholes talking shit behind my back, who knows how far the gossip spreads in this industry. I'm a squatter, too damn bad. I get in arguments with my "betters" and call them names, shit happens. I'm barely a skydiver, barely a packer. Fuck it. I am what I am. No worries, I already blew my savings. Moving on.

I think I have both. ADD seems more like a tunnel focus than a lack of focus... could be it goes hand-in-hand with OCD. I learned to suppress it in certain areas, but not all. I might also have some anxiety or PTSD that I suppress into a milder form, and some sort of attachment disorder... but that's all way beyond my ability to self-diagnose. I got in an argument because he was essentially asking me to make a rig that had issues even less safe. Specifically, the bottom flap was missing a magnet, and they wanted me to switch the closing loop with one that didn't fit the rig properly. I should've grounded it honestly, but they wouldn't have liked that either. I tried to explain that the loop was only 10% wear, and there was nothing abnormal about being able to see between the strands, but he would dismissively walk away and shut the door in my face.

I'm probably going about this in the wrong way, most dropzones were starting to require a rigger's ticket to even pack there. I would probably need to work under another rigger for a while, get my skills back to where they were, and get another DPRE examination. I kinda screwed myself not staying current, but I guess it happens. I'll try to find somewhere to practice again. Thanks for the kind responses.

I appreciate the offer and everything, but I'm not trying to make anyone my personal crisis hotline. I'm not even sure what to do with an offer like that, and I don't like taking up people's time when they have better things to do. That's probably why I can't relate to industry people, no idea what it's like to be a busy person.

Sorry to hear that, but that's not really what I meant. I've come up with some pretty drastic ideas, like getting myself thrown in jail so I can get my teeth fixed, but I'm sure that would do more harm than good. I just feel trapped here, working for my mom who I'm not close with, for no pay... and I feel like I've already watched all the best movies, played all the best videogames, listened to all the best music... that there's nothing to look forward to, no point in what I'm doing currently, no one worth sharing experiences with, etc. Still, I'm not so desperate that I need to end myself, and would never do it in the sport, or in front of people who care about me. But this VERSION of my life, it's time to leave. I made an appointment with ss disability to try and get medication for my ADD, but I have no clue if they will help. I think I would even be able to handle a normie job if I abuse ritalin, but that's obviously not ideal, and there's a reason why I chose this for my career. I just feel like most people in the industry view it differently than me, not really loving the job or the community, and at closing time they're ready to rush out of there. I don't really understand those people. I hope I can find a place where people are more chill, maybe more passionate about the sport, I'm not sure. I was hoping it would be like that in Hawaii, but it was the opposite.

When I left the sport 5+ years ago, I had gotten my B license and senior riggers, but I am no longer current, and money is an issue. I was told by the dropzone owner that I was a squatter, and not a real skydiver, because I only did 2 jumps a week. That discouraged me a lot, and I never ended up looking for another DZ after being asked to leave. I was there about 6 months, completing 47 skydives. I was never able to get work there as a packer, probably because they assumed I was lazy or didn't care enough, but the fact is I have ADD. Skydiving/rigging was the only area where my ADD wouldn't be an issue, as I find it interesting and worthwhile, and could always challenge myself to improve. At this point, I'm completely bored in life, just doing the same things every day. I did work in Hawaii for a month, but I didn't really fit in there, and I was the sole packer on the DZ despite making it clear I was new. Supposedly, there was gonna be another rigger there the first 2 weeks, but there wasn't. Eventually, I got fired for having a heated argument with a TI, who had doubts about my experience. In my opinion, he didn't know much about rigging, and wasn't open to hearing what I had to say. Being that the management class seems to treat me differently, I've lost that sense of family. Is there a DZ where I would be accepted as a "real" skydiver, or am I just not? I'm so bored and frustrated with the way my life is going now, but I don't see a way out.