Quansetmoto

Only while doing tandem:)

I guess im trying to determine if level of fear is normal. How to address it. Here are my jumps; GOPR0583_Tim.MP4 GOPR0579_Tim.MP4 AFF_Cat_A_Tim.MP4

Hello all, I am a new skydiver in search of perspective. First ill give them some backstory: I did a tandem four years ago, and after doing it I kinda wanted to be a skydiver. Life happened, a separation divorce ect, and the dream faded. Then in early 2020 I was deployed with the U.S Army to Newyork in response to covid as a nurse. I saw a lot of death there and a lot of pain. Humans treated like dogs by a completely overwhelmed hospital system. I was there for three months and it made an impression on me. I felt like I finally understood how precious life was after talking to so many family members, wife's, and girlfriends. Always the same conversation "I can't tell you if he or she will make it, things don't look good ect, ect." I landed a job at a prison as a contract nurse working covid. Again humans treated like animals. Again fear, pain, death and an overwhelmed system. It was at this time I decided to go for my A License. I was working nights, very tired. I went through groundschool not understanding alot of what was being said. I knew I needed to feel alive. I drove to the dz after work one AM. First jump IAD, chute opened I landed life was great. They asked me if I wanted to go again I said hell yes. I should have said no. My mind was racing; adrenaline and sleep deprivation I was an idiot. Second jump the winds where higher, with some occasional gusts (my dz has a waiver to 20 MPH). Chute opened winds increased, because I did not study correctly I did not realize that I need to select an alternative landing pattern well away from the original point. I followed the radio commands exactly with no corrections on my part I flew past the green right over a quanset hut (apox 50 yards from the green). I turned into my final hoping to get over the building (following the commands). I hit the building at its apex and slid down. I did not cutaway, I had no time too think. I was uninjured by the grace of God. I left the dz shaken. I came back 2 weeks latter, well rested but terrified. I jumped again and landed correctly. The release was a blur I dearched so I failed the jump. I felt just doing it again and landing was a victory, it was so hard to let go. Fast forward 6 months and I have started an AFF program, I went through ground school again, studied the SIM for hours upon hours and watched dozens of Friday freaking videos to learn EPS. 3 jumps in I am letting go of the plane on my own regaining my stability within 5-10 seconds. I can arch I am having trouble remembering to keep my legs straight, the first two jumps I had perfect altitude awareness. The 3rd jump I was focusing on the handsignals and bending my legs. I looked on to my altimeter at 6k then I lost altitude awareness from 6k to ? (I honestly don't know why). I saw the finger pointing and immediately went to pull. I had trouble finding the damn handle and my instructor pulled for me. I arched the chute deployed. Line twists, I checked altitude and corrected by 3k. Flew it in landed great. I walked in for the debrief angry at myself. I asked my instructors if I was a salvageable student they all said yes. They said I need to relax to be calmer less htperfoccused (I recieted every detail on minute detail from putting the parachute on in the hanger to doing the PLF). I want to be a skydiver but I want to be a good one, I want to be a credit to my instructors, have them be happy to see me, and most importantly to prove to myself I can do this. I have since scheduled tunnel time and am practicing all I can: listening to books on skydiving, visualization, arching against walls, and on top of a chest. Sorry for the book I need to say this to somebody. Any advice is appreciated