Creative Gun Thread

[Douva 0]

I don't know if this will work or not. I posted this once before in a dying gun thread, just before it was locked by a moderator, and never got any response, but I thought it might be an interesting way to discuss some of the gun issues that are so frequently tossed back and forth on this board. This is a short screenplay I wrote recently (I'm a struggling screenwriter; I write shorts to stay in practice). It's about a robbery in a convenience store. My idea is for people on both sides of the gun issue to read the story (takes about ten minutes) and share how they would react to this situation if they were in the store as these events were happening, given each person's individual views on gun ownership, concealed carry, etc. For instance, if you're against private gun ownership, you might point out that this type of violent crime would strengthen your resolve. If you have a concealed handgun license, you might say, "I would have shot the robbers the second they came through the door." You might also have a less obvious reaction that none of the rest of us would have considered. I'm not entirely sure what I think this might accomplish, other than more bickering, but I think it might get to the root of some of our views. Anyway, if you're up for something a little different from the usual name calling, give it a try.

Blue skies,

Douva

I don't have an M.D. or a law degree. I have bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names.

[Jib 0]

It seems like a question of what should I do if...

Lacey's a moron for wanting him to do something he didn't have to. Chris did everything right at least up until the shooting -- 2 shots/2 dead seems likely only in the movies both including the number of shots; so, I'll leave that to the experts. He also may have shot Lacey. I *think* the better call would be to police with a description of the truck; it was his afterall.

--------------------------------------------------
the depth of his depravity sickens me.
-- Jerry Falwell, People v. Larry Flynt

[peacefuljeffrey 0]

I'll read it late tonight if I still have electrical power and phone line service. Right now I'm not able to spend the time.

Blue skies,
-

-Jeffrey
"With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!"

[Kennedy 0]

Reads well.

At the end, I'd have it read:

"Chris fires two quick shots... then two more."

witty subliminal message
Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards.
1*

[peacefuljeffrey 0]

Okay, not bad.
A few things I would focus on would be making the scenario a bit more realistic, and making the dialogue more natural.

I think the robbers would not focus both of their attention on moving the ATM (please don't call it "ATM machine" again!). I think that instead, they would have one of them watch the customers, and one use the labor of one of the customers to move the machine. They would have to divert attention away from making sure no one did anything defensive if they were both moving the machine.

The dialogue between Chris and Lacey does not seem genuine at all times. The part about people's duty sounds forced. The dialogue should be more tailored to how real people talk, especially under stress.

Did someone say something already about two neat, quick shots being unrealistic for instant kills? I kind of agree. I think that if anything, you should specify that one is hit, say, in the chest, piercing his heart and he expires quickly, and the other is hit in the throat, blood gushes into his trachea and drowns in it, convulsing on the floor, his eyes bulging. Maybe even something about how one of the robbers had either an unloaded shotgun, or maybe just one or two rounds in it. I like the irony of the fact that he got himself killed just because he threatened other people with death, even if he couldn't have killed them with the gun -- sort of underscores his stupidity.

It wouldn't hurt if Lacey jumped Chris, tore his clothes off, and sucked his dick in thanks for saving her from being raped and strangled.

I suppose there could be an epilogue in which Chris has been debriefed by the police and handed back his CCW card and weapon. And then a fast-forward to Chris, who is an NRA certified firearms instructor, training Lacey at the range with her brand new Kahr subcompact .40 cal. pistol! own dirty work from now on, and he doesn't have to hear her nag about how he's not aggressive enough with armed robbers!

Blue skies,
-

-Jeffrey
"With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!"

[Jib 0]

Quote

I suppose there could be an epilogue in which Chris has been debriefed by the police and handed back his CCW card and weapon.

Or the liberal version, Chris gets put in jail for 10 years for not having a CCW. Did I mention Chris gets sued by the victims families?

--------------------------------------------------
the depth of his depravity sickens me.
-- Jerry Falwell, People v. Larry Flynt

[Kennedy 0]

or the other liberal version, where his weapon is confiscated, he is arrested and released on bail, has to give up his tools of protection on a court order, and the cops do nothing for him when the dead scum's friends want to pay Chris a visit.

witty subliminal message
Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards.
1*

[Douva 0]

Quote

Okay, not bad.
A few things I would focus on would be making the scenario a bit more realistic, and making the dialogue more natural.

I think the robbers would not focus both of their attention on moving the ATM (please don't call it "ATM machine" again!). I think that instead, they would have one of them watch the customers, and one use the labor of one of the customers to move the machine. They would have to divert attention away from making sure no one did anything defensive if they were both moving the machine.

The dialogue between Chris and Lacey does not seem genuine at all times. The part about people's duty sounds forced. The dialogue should be more tailored to how real people talk, especially under stress.

Did someone say something already about two neat, quick shots being unrealistic for instant kills? I kind of agree. I think that if anything, you should specify that one is hit, say, in the chest, piercing his heart and he expires quickly, and the other is hit in the throat, blood gushes into his trachea and drowns in it, convulsing on the floor, his eyes bulging. Maybe even something about how one of the robbers had either an unloaded shotgun, or maybe just one or two rounds in it. I like the irony of the fact that he got himself killed just because he threatened other people with death, even if he couldn't have killed them with the gun -- sort of underscores his stupidity.

It wouldn't hurt if Lacey jumped Chris, tore his clothes off, and sucked his dick in thanks for saving her from being raped and strangled.

I suppose there could be an epilogue in which Chris has been debriefed by the police and handed back his CCW card and weapon. And then a fast-forward to Chris, who is an NRA certified firearms instructor, training Lacey at the range with her brand new Kahr subcompact .40 cal. pistol! own dirty work from now on, and he doesn't have to hear her nag about how he's not aggressive enough with armed robbers!

Blue skies,
-

Thanks for the review. I agree that the dialogue between the two main characters is a little ham fisted. It's the curse of short films--Too little time to say things subtly. If I decide to sell or produce it sometime, I'll probably have to rewrite the dialogue. Maybe I didn't make it clear enough, but if you read it more carefully, one of the robbers actually does get a customer to help him with the ATM machine. I can't decide if I should change the ending or not. I'm torn between the reality of gun play and the desire for a clean, concise ending.

All that said, when would y'all have drawn your guns? As soon as they entered? As soon as they threatened somebody? The first time their backs were turned? When they threatened the girl? Never?

I don't have an M.D. or a law degree. I have bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names.

[mr2mk1g 10]

his other point was that the "M" in ATM stands for Machine... there's no need to duplicate it.

[Douva 0]

Quote

his other point was that the "M" in ATM stands for Machine... there's no need to duplicate it.

Kind of like "WDI Indicator," right?

If anyone is interested, I cleaned up the dialogue and changed the ending to make it a little more realistic. You can click on the original link, if you want to see the changes.

--Douva

I don't have an M.D. or a law degree. I have bachelor's in kicking ass and taking names.

[Kennedy 0]

Had I been carrying, I may have drawn earlier in the scenario if

(A)both robbers were in the same 30 degrees or so in front of me
(B)both robbers were looking away from me
and
(C)neither robber had his shotgun pointed at me or anyone else

If those three conditions had not been met, I would've drawn the second the scum turned their back to leave with the girl in tow, and I would've put two holes in each, at least.


Early in the robbery, I also would suggest they take my [future] truck, becuse my next new vehicle will have lo-jack or onstar installed.

witty subliminal message
Guard your honor, let your reputation fall where it will, and outlast the bastards.
1*