(early) St. Pattys Day funny

[DYEVOUT 0]

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little twit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I
did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there,I thought I'd gone deaf.

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. "There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. "Did he at least go
quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father.. " The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..."

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either".

----------------=8^)----------------------
"I think that was the wrong tennis court."

[RichM 0]

Three Leprechauns, Mick, Eugene and Pat, are sitting in the pub getting quietly pissed when Mick shouts out, " Jaysus, I'm bored wid bein'a feckin' nobody. I'm tinkin I'll take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book" "what de hell are ye talkin' about, ye eejit. You've dun nuttin' to getin de book for" says Eugene. "well, it's me hands, Eugene" replies Mick waving them around, " I tink dey are de smallest in de world and I'm going to get meself entered into de book and I'll be world famous."

Both Eugene and Pat agree that they are quite small and they all carry on drinking quite heartily. A little while later Pat pipes up " Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guiness book of records for yer small hands, so can I." The other two smirk at each other and Mick says "how can ye have de smallest hands in the world if I've got dem, ya bloody fool?" Pat replies "it's not me hands, Mick it's me feet", and he takes off his boots to show them. "I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and I'm gonna get meself entered into de Guiness Book of records too."

The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they all go back to their drinking. Some time later Eugene chimes in, "well, if youse two can get into de Guiness Book of records, I can too." The others fall about laughing. "what de feck have you got dats so feckin' interesting?" cries Mick. "it's me dick, Mick " he says and pulls down his breeches to show them.

They both howl with laughter as Eugene pulls out his little willy. "Jaysus, ye've got the best chance of us all, Eugene", says Pat "dat's de smallest feckin' dick I ever saw" and with that they all go back to their drinking.

Later on full of the gills , they are heading home when out of the corner of his eye Mick spots the Gunness Book of records office further down the street. "Jaysus", he says "I'm gonna go into dat office and I'm gonna get me hands measured" and off he staggers.

Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face waving his hands in the air. "I did it, I did it" he says "I'm in de Guinness Book of records for de smallest hands in de world , nobodies got smaller hands dan me" and with that he pushes Pat forward. "Go on ye eejit. See if ye have de smallest feet in de world. Go on" "Feck it. I will " says Pat and off he staggers. Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air. "Jaysus, I'm famous." he says. "I've got de smallest feet in de world, I'm famous, I'm famous " he yells.

With that Eugene staggers to the office door. "I'm gonna get me dick measured" he says, "I won't be long" The other two are waiting anxiously for Eugene to return, but time slips by.

Ten minutes turns into twenty and twenty into thirty. Still no sign of Eugene. One hour later the office door swings open and Eugene slouches looking disconsulate. "whats wrong ?" asks Pat, to which Eugene replies "who the feckin hell is RichM?"

Rich M