Maybe you heard...funny stuff to read

[GARYC24 3]

Leno
Congratulations to Senator John Kerry – the big winner in yesterday’s primary. Won five out of seven. I just hope all these victories don’t give Kerry a big head.
Last night John Edwards won his home state of South Carolina. His basic stump speech throughout his campaign is that there are really two Americas and he wants to create just one America. Of course Republicans are going "That’s fine with us, as long as it’s a first class section.”
Joe Lieberman has pulled out of the presidential race. Now of course comes the hard part – telling his supporter.
Yesterday Howard Dean got under 10% of the vote in South Carolina, Missouri, and Oklahoma. That Al Gore endorsement is really kicking in! Show that power of the Al Gore endorsement.
Howard Dean was out talking about health care today – it has nothing to do with the campaign, I think he realizes he’s going back to being a doctor real soon.
President Bush has started to campaign on the accomplishments of his administration. Bin Laden’s been forced into hiding, Saddam Hussein is being interrogated, Janet Jackson is under investigation. "We’ll get to the bottom of this!”
President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts. I believe they are smoke and mirrors.
They say Bush’s popularity is falling so fast, his new secret service codename is "Howard Dean”.
Here’s something frightening - in Washington yesterday, three senate buildings were shut down after a white powdery substance tested positive for ricin. At first they thought it just was John Kerry’s Botox delivery.
Luckily, all the leftover anthrax in the building killed most of the ricin.
You know what’s interesting - because of the ricin scare yesterday, the U.S. Senate postponed all voting. See this has a ripple effect on the economy because when politicians can’t vote, oil companies, drug companies and tobacco companies can’t give them money and that means bartenders and hookers all suffer.
CBS announced today they will be using a five second tape delay when they televise the Grammy’s next week so they can stop any artist who attempts to flash. This is basically a booby trap.
More problems for Janet Jackson. Last night, she was pulled over and ticketed by police. It seems one of her headlights was out.
The President of MTV Judy McGrath, who produced the halftime show, said she was "Horrified”. So apparently she doesn’t watch MTV.
Dr. Phil who is a guest on our show tonight, Dr. Phil has launched a new project, his teen weight loss challenge. His goal is pretty ambitious; he hopes to do more for young, overweight women than Bill Clinton.
Letterman
I am excited. We have a great program for you tonight. I am going to have a wardrobe malfunction.
You saw the Super Bowl deal where some punk, just some guy out of nowhere goes up to Janet Jackson and rips off her clothes on stage. It was just some guy no one ever saw before. That was here on CBS. And right after that we had "Survivor” on. The cast has all your favorites. There’s the old guy, the naked fat guy, an ex-bartender, and a former Green Beret – wait, no that’s the Democrat candidates for president.
President Bush’s approval rating is now down under 50 percent. What he’s going to do is let Saddam go so we can capture him again.
There were seven primaries and caucuses yesterday. Today Howard Dean was in Seattle, at a fish market fishing. He did so well that next he’s going to start fulltime.
Joe Lieberman dropped out of the presidential race last night. After that he broke the news to his supporter.
Conan
There was seven primaries yesterday. You all followed that? (silence) Wow! Well yesterday Senator Joe Lieberman dropped out of the race after doing poorly. When asked about it Lieberman said, "We knew we had troubles when the one Jewish guy in North Dakota wouldn’t vote for me.”
The aftermath of the Super Bowl scandal is still going on. CBS is so upset that they are going to have a five minute delay at the Grammy’s to prevent nudity, anything offensive and Clay Aiken from reaching TV viewers.
Kilborn
Ricin that was found in an office of a senator forced congress to shut down for most of the day. If they’re going to attack members of our government why don’t they start at strip clubs, brothels and liquor stores?
Tuesday Night February 3
Leno
Earlier today, Janet Jackson’s breast came out and saw its shadow. Which means six more weeks of winter.
How many of you watched that half time show on Sunday - or as they’re calling it now America’s Cup.
You know who was really mad about this whole thing? President Bush. In fact today he accused Janet Jackson of having weapons of mass arousal.
I was shocked to hear this - Janet admitted today that yes the whole thing was a stunt and it was planned. (sarcastic tone) I thought it was a complete accident
FCC Chairman Michael Powell said he gathered with his family to watch the show, but instead got a classless, crass and deplorable stunt. Or as we call that here at NBC…”Fear Factor.” We do it every Monday!
CBS said they may bar Janet Jackson from the Grammy’s because of what happened at the Super Bowl. Isn’t that kind of tit for tat?
It was quite a show wasn’t it – there was a streaker, Janet Jackson’s breast was exposed and Kid Rock wore an American flag as a poncho. I was surprised that John Ashcroft’s head didn’t explode during that thing.
CBS said today that’s why they put that "x-x-x” in the title. That’s not roman numerals, it’s the rating!
CBS has spent the last two days apologizing. Because you know, they didn’t know….you know I think they should also apologize for Mike Ditka talking about his "ditka”.
Did you see those ads for the Viagra-type pill called Levitra, where the big symbolism is he throws a football through a tire? Could you make it a little more obvious, mike? Wouldn’t a javelin be better?
What a country we live in - we don’t have a cure for cancer but we’ve got 11 new ways to give a man an erection.
I lost all my computer files today. I opened an e-mail from "My Doom”. I thought it was just an e-mail from the Howard Dean campaign.
Today was Super Tuesday – that’s when Janet shows both breasts. We don’t know the results, but things not looking well for Dean. In fact, critics say it may all be over but the shouting.
John Kerry appears to be the frontrunner - you know the name of John Kerry’s campaign bus? "The Real Deal Express”. You know the name of Dennis Kucinich’s campaign bus? Greyhound.
Kucinich not doing well. Even people in Florida said they wouldn’t vote for him by mistake.
Yesterday on MSNBC, televangelist Pat Robertson said the reason Democrats are still competitive in national elections, is that African Americans, and this is his quote, "Don’t cotton to the idea of voting for Republicans”. Maybe that’s because Republicans like Pat Robertson keep using "cotton” as a verb!
A deadly powder called ricin, wasn’t that the San Franscico treat? (Ricin) Has been found in the office of Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. Police now believe that the person who sent the ricin is someone who has a grudge against Senate Republicans. So they’re looking for a gay middle class married couple who don’t have health care.
Late today a white powder was found in the office of Al Sharpton. Turns out it was just powdered sugar from some of his donuts.
Kurt Russell is on tonight to talk about his movie "Miracle”, which is about one of the most amazing moments in sports history. You remember, the "Miracle on Ice”? Wasn’t that the Ted Williams story?
Here’s something disgusting, for Valentine’s Day, Sam Adams is coming out with a limited edition chocolate beer. Who is this for? Guys that want acne on their beer belly?
Who needs alcohol with chocolate – okay, besides Michael Jackson?
Letterman
There’s seven primaries going on today. No word yet on if Howard Dean has given a screaming speech. Yeeeaaahhhh!!!
Everyone is still talking about the Super Bowl halftime show. People are upset, they’re accusing each other, they’re denying, no response from some – the FCC is going to investigate. And today President Bush formed the Department of Wardrobe Security.
President Bush slept through the halftime show – typical CBS viewer.
CBS is pleading ignorance over the stunt at the Super Bowl. Pleading ignorance. Why not? That’s what they do with this show.
They say it was a wardrobe malfunction. President Clinton heard that and said, "Why didn’t I think of that?”

Conan
You tuned in tonight to hear the latest on the Super Bowl halftime scandal, I know. It’s insane. People are still talking about it. That was the flakiest cover-up of a face that I’ve ever seen. Janet Jackson today released a statement apologizing for her breast being exposed. After that Michael Jackson asked, "What’s a breast?”
At a campaign stop General Wesley Clark was reunited with a man that saved his life back in Vietnam. The reunion may have backfired though because the man was John Kerry.
Kilborn
I was watching VH-1 today and Janet Jackson’s right breast was on "Where Are They Now”.
President Bush said today that if we don’t uphold standards and decency then the nipples have won.
The event was so crass and so sleazy that Fox is performing their own investigation to see why they didn’t do it first.
An investigation has been launched over pre-war Iraq – we’re going to find out why they had our oil under their sand.
Monday Night February 2
Leno
What a crowd! You sound like Bill Clinton after watching the Lingerie Bowl.
What a game yesterday? Wasn’t that a great game? New England Patriots and the Carolina Panthers both played a great game yesterday. I’m mad, I lost big time yesterday. I bet a thousand bucks that Janet Jackson would show her left breast.
Did you watch that half time show? Finally a half time show for straight guys!
Did you all see that during the half time show? I guess Janet was singing a duet with Justin Timberlake and at the end he ripped off part of her costumes exposing one of her breasts. Boy, that was ironic, for once a Jackson getting molested.
Of course for viewers here in Los Angeles it was especially shocking. And most guys in this town have ever seen a real breast before.
I just hope what Janet did at halftime doesn’t, in any way, tarnish the good name of the Jackson family.
Justin Timberlake said it was a "wardrobe malfunction”, what were both breasts supposed to fall out?
Today CBS apologized for Janet showing her breast. Forget that – how about CBS apologizing for Richard showing his fat ass on "Survivor”. That’s the apology I want.
I love how high and mighty they get - they said "The moment did not conform to CBS’s broadcast standards.” "Standards?” What standards? They ran a commercial with a horse farting in a woman’s face.
Today the Chairman of the FCC announced that he’s launching an "immediate and swift” investigation into what they’re calling "nipple gate” that’s what we’re calling it. Immediate and swift investigation; however, we have to wait till next year to find out why we went to war in Iraq.
Today is Groundhog Day. Happy Groundhog Day everybody. President Bush saw his shadow - and it was John Kerry. What are the odds of that?
Supposedly we can predict if we’ll have an early spring or six more weeks of winter by whether or not a groundhog sees his shadow. Or as President Bush calls it, "reliable intelligence.”
A spokesman for the military said today they expect to catch Osama bin Laden this year. I understand they’re shooting for the first week November.
During testimony before the senate armed services committee former U.S. Chief Weapons Inspector David Kay defended President Bush for saying Iraq had weapons of mass destruction. Kay blamed the "intelligence community”. And he doesn’t want anybody confusing Bush with the intelligence community. I think we’re okay there.
Here’s a story we were talking about last week - a pitcher for the Cleveland Indians is admitting at one time he appeared in a gay porn film. Here’s my question - when a guy’s doing it with another guy are they both thinking of baseball?
According to an article in this month’s "Vanity Fair” magazine, Michael Jackson reportedly told the boys that stayed at his house that girls were tattle tales. Today Kobe Bryant said, "Tell me about it.”

Letterman
Today is Ground Hog Day. Up in Central Park a groundhog stuck his head out of the hole and witnessed two homicides.
How about the Super Bowl? What a great game. I like to gamble a little. If the Patriots would have had two safeties, the Panthers had one more touchdown and had the point after try blocked – then I would have won the office pool.
Then the kickoff to the start of the second half was delayed due to a half naked man that got on the field. He has his web site address across his body. I was thinking that Howard Dean sure is desperate.
And Janet Jackson – too be honest I was happy about it because for once I wasn’t the biggest boob on CBS.
Justin Timberlake called the incident a "wardrobe malfunction”. The last time I had one of those I became a father.
After the game President Bush called the Patriots to congratulate them on the win. And former President Clinton called up Janet Jackson.
Kilborn
Last night thousands of people called CBS demanding apologies – and I’m not even on Sundays.
Just my luck…in the office pool I had Janet taking off Justin’s bra.
Friday Night January 30
Leno
I want to thank you for being here, because I know you'd rather be home watching the Super Bowl pre-game show, which started about 20 minutes ago.

Today I was at the grocery store and the guy in front of me at the register was buying twenty bags of chips, ten cans of dip, five cases of beer and a bib. I said, "Oh, are you getting ready for the Super Bowl?" And he said: "Super Bowl? When's that?"

I tell you, I feel great. I'm on that new Joe Lieberman diet. No matter what I do, I just keep losing and losing and losing.

Last night there was another debate with the Democratic presidential candidates. The first question the moderator had for Dennis Kucinich: "Can't you take a hint? It's over."

I don't want to say Dennis Kucinich is doing badly, but last night his campaign was featured on the CBS show "Without a Trace."

It's starting to get nasty. Last night John Edwards said that a president "must be able to walk and chew gum at the same time." I don't know, shouldn't the qualifications be a little tougher than that? Aren't we lowering the bar too far?

President Bush responded today. He said: "Chewing gum and walking – I can do that! It's walking and chewing a pretzel I have trouble with. But walking and chewing gum ... not a problem."

Howard Dean announced this week that regarding his staff, from now on you will see a leaner, meaner organization. Leaner because he's letting some of them go and meaner because he's not paying the rest of them.

Howard Dean announced he's pulling his TV ads this week. He’s asked his staff to skip paychecks for the next few weeks because of severe money problems. This way he can keep his campaign going to explain to voters how he's the best guy to balance the budget.

Earlier in the week, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the pope. Cheney got down on his knees, then clutched his heart and keeled over. I don't know what happened.

You know, today is Vice President Dick Cheney's birthday. He's 63. But in heart attack years that's 190.

They had a pretty wild party. I understand a registered nurse jumped out of a bran muffin.

If you were thinking of getting him something, you can't go wrong with signing your organ donor card.

In Davenport, Iowa, during an indecent-exposure trial, a woman testified that she saw the defendant naked from 35 feet away, but the man's wife took the stand and testified that her husband isn't very well endowed so there's no way she could have seen him from that distance. How embarrassing is that? You're charged with indecent exposure and your wife is going "Lack of evidence, Your Honor!"
Letterman
(rerun) This morning I was just freezing. It was cold out. I was on my way to work when I got to one of those bagel carts. I asked for a hot and toasted bagel and the vendor says, "Do you want that wrapped up?" I said, "No, I'll just wear it."

President Bush might have knee surgery this year. He hurt his knee. Here's how he hurt it. He's been spending too much time praying that the Democrats will nominate Howard Dean.

The Mars Rover has landed on the surface of Mars. President Bush has been watching the Rover every day. He says that the Rover will stay on Mars for a few months until they are capable of self-rule.

The Mars Rover is a remarkable tool. It's digging around for soil samples – and today it found O.J.'s knife!

Have you read the new Pete Rose book? In the book Pete Rose says that he used to date strippers, got a girl pregnant and was in debt to the mob. Well, there's no sense in me writing an autobiography. It's like I have a twin!
Conan
(rerun) Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Today Laura Bush told reporters that George carves the turkey every year and uses an electric knife – or, as he calls it, "the electric cutting machine."

Customs agents in Israel have seized over 1,000 Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden dancing dolls because people were upset about them. Now the only dolls available are Tickle Me Arafats.
Kilborn
NBC is going to air "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" during the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is on CBS. That's a no-brainer. I'll be watching the Super Bowl with my boyfriend.

Everyone has Super Bowl fever. After sex last night, eight guys dumped a cooler of Gatorade on Paris Hilton.

Everyone is making their predictions on the game. Jessica Simpson says "The Patriots in four straight."

Do you wonder if Michael Jackson goes to prison, will he walk backwards in the shower?
Thursday Night January 29
Leno
You all excited about this big Democratic race heating up? In his big victory speech the other night, Senator John Kerry said he wanted to defeat George Bush and "the economy of privilege." And then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multimillion-dollar Heinz food fortune.

See, Senator Kerry is lucky – he's got millions of dollars to spend to make himself look good. Poor Dennis Kucinich, he had to use a steam iron to get the wrinkles out of his face.

God bless Dennis Kucinich, he just keeps holding on. In fact, his campaign motto is "Don't look back." Yeah, why bother? There's nobody behind you.

Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's "electable." Hey, so was Al Gore – in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all.

In a statement today about his campaign shakeup, Howard Dean said from now on you will see a leaner, meaner organization. Meaner? How scary is that? He may start biting people.

General Wesley Clark has spoken out both in favor and against the decision to go to war with Iraq. In fact, this weekend in South Carolina, he'll be debating himself.

A winter storm continues to batter New York City. In fact it was so cold, and I thought this was nice, today Martha Stewart gave each and every one of her jurors a $40,000 mink coat.

You know where I went last night? Chicago. I was on "Oprah" today for her 50th birthday party. They had a lot of big celebrities, John Travolta, Stevie Wonder, Will Smith ... and I thought this was nice: James Brown used his one phone call from jail to wish her a happy birthday.

An electronics company has just come out with a computer display that can be folded, rolled up, put in your pocket, and displays in black and white images. Didn't that used to be called paper?

In business news, Tupperware today reported a 21 percent drop in profits this past quarter. Profits are down and they blame it on weak U.S. sales. You know why that is? We're so fat in this country now, we don't have leftovers anymore.

Speaking of that, according to a new survey, Super Bowl Sunday ranks number one in pizza delivery sales. You know, the sad part – show you how fat we are – number two is every other day of the year!

This is my favorite story. A minor league pitcher for the Cleveland Indians, a man by the name of Kazuahito Tadano, is apologizing for appearing in a gay porn video. He said it was years ago, he was young, and he and his teammates needed money. So, basically, he took one for the team.

You ever notice everyone who ever makes porn movies always claims they did it because they were young? Of course they were young – nobody asks old people to be in porn movies. "Alright, Grandma, drop the support hose."

You know, the sad thing: This guy will probably get in the hall of fame before Pete Rose does.

But he said there was one good thing about the experience. He got a chance to meet Mike Piazza.
Conan
(rerun) Everyone is talking about Michael Jackson being arrested yesterday. In the police report it said that Michael is 5 feet 11 inches but only weighs 120 pounds. The reason Michael has been able to keep his weight down is because he always orders off the children's menu.

President Bush just got back from his controversial trip to England. He said that he was looking forward to getting back to his loved ones – like the reporters at Fox News.
Kilborn
My lady friend wants me to give up cigars. I don't want to. So we compromised. I will only smoke on nights that I'm with other women.

Howard Dean has fired his campaign manager. The man got the news right after Dean ran over him with his car.

ABC is bringing back "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" They say the questions, though, are going to be tougher and almost impossible to win. This is because ABC doesn't have the million dollars.
Late Night Joke Archives
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[DaMan 0]

Practicing your typing or what?!?!

Good stuff though - thanks for taking the time to transcribe all of those.

Z-Flock 8
Discotec Rodriguez

Too bad weapons grade stupidity doesn't lead to sterility.