10 most annoying....

[D22369 0]

People at the gym....


1. The Naked Guy. All men are aware of this guy, even if they pretend not to be or not to notice. This is the guy who quite nonchalantly ambles about the locker room in his skin suit. The Naked Guy is a sly one. He first appears in the locker room in disguise, which is to say, wearing clothes. He selects a locker, typically the one right next to mine. His next step is to remove every article of clothing, save for possibly a pair of socks. Once in full, um, regalia, he completes his pre or post workout routine – completely naked. Note that this may or may not include a shower. If a shower is involved, Naked Guy prefers to simply drip dry, as he never brings a towel to cover up or dry off. He does his hair (if present), puts on cologne, shaves, weighs himself, examines himself, uses toilet, etc. all in the buff. Only after all of this does he begin to put his clothes on. Let me say that I think it’s a good thing that men don’t feel the same societal pressures that create the negative body image that American women typically feel. I am glad that The Naked Guy is comfortable with his body around others. He should realize, however, that I am not so comfortable with his body.

2. The Half-Ass. The Half-Ass comes in all shapes, sizes, and genders. This person is easily spotted. The Half-Ass does not confine itself to one piece of equipment or area – no, it is prolific. The best place to spot a Half-Ass is on a stair master. The Half-Ass is the one supporting anywhere from one to three quarters of its body weight with its arms on the handrails. The people in line for the cardio equipment, who want to sweat and do some calorie-burnin’ must wait and watch in agony as the Half-Ass daintily swishes its legs up the stairs. The Half-Ass hardly breaks a sweat, hardly raises its metabolism, and, consequently, hardly loses any weight. The only exercise the Half-Ass is diligent in is complaining about the poor results they receive when they “work out” so much.

3. The Super Model. Oh, such a fine line between desirable and annoying. Fair Super Model, you are so attractive. It’s hard not to stare when I walk by you while you do squat thrusts. You lend such handsome curves to the spandex fitness clothing you are wearing. Obviously, you work out primarily for the cosmetic benefits of fitness. Not as altruistic as just for fitness perhaps, but who can fault you for wanting to maintain the body you have. You certainly improve the view in the gym in my opinion. But wait, are you checking your mascara in the mirror? Wait, are you wearing mascara in the gym? Oh, you’re so pretty, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, maybe you came here straight from work. Good for you! Wait, are you actually applying mascara in the mirror? Alas, Super Model, you are now annoying. Do you lift anything? No. You do 2-3 reps of lunges with 5 lbs in each hand. Do you break a sweat? Maybe. But you immediately pat any droplets dry with your hand towel. Can I at least chat you up or as you for a spot or hit on you in any non-affronting manner? Not at all. You are there because your ego enjoys the constant attention you receive when you prance about in your 100% lycra cat suit from Banana Republic.

4. The Talk Show. Please shut up! Can’t you see I’m trying to lift here? I am not your training partner – he ran away screaming 30 minutes ago. You want to work in with me? Sure. You would like me to spot you on the bench? No problem. You want me to listen attentively while you rail on about your exciting job in custodial services management at the county jail? Sorry, no-can-do. I’m busy working out.

5. The Sweat Machine. Ugh. Bring a towel you Neanderthal. Sometimes the Sweat Machine is a woman, but it is usually a man. A large man. With man-boobs. He’s just finished his spin class or cardio-kick box class and seems to have forgotten his towel. He proceeds directly to all the padded equipment where he turns each area into a soupy mess. He does not mop up after, leaving his snail trail as a present for the next schmuck (me) to come along needing a bench. Hey, we’re in a club, you’re working out, you’re gonna sweat. I sweat. But I clean up. Bring a towel. Bring an extra shirt or two. Or lift first and then hit your spin class. P.S. Make sure your shirt isn’t see-thru when you sweat completely thru it – no one wants to see your convalescing nipples.

6. C&C Music Factory. My gym’s Muzak isn’t exactly motivating, so I understand your desire to bring your iPod to the gym. I do not understand, however, your pressing need to play it on earphones twice the size of your head at the same decibel level as a DC-10 taking off. And what’s with blaring the Backstreet Boys? Is that what inspires you to make your biceps bulge? Please, a little discretion, turn it down.

7. The Spandex Showcase. Most unfortunately, the Spandex Showcase suffers from the inverse spandex proportionality theorem. This law states that the more fit, trim, and attractive someone is, the less likely it is they will wear tight fitting spandex. Of course, the corollary to the theorem is that the fatter and greasier someone is, the more spandex they will wear. This specimen isn’t just annoying at gyms. Just go to an amusement park in Southern California on a hot summer day to witness the same phenomenon. Perhaps I’m being overly harsh, but it’s never the swimsuit model body types that go from ride to ride in spandex and bikinis. No. It’s someone who makes you think Shamu escaped from Sea World next door by slipping into a body suit and standing in line for the Cyclone (while two fisting sno-cones). My theory for the spandex is that it must allow these well-girthed patrons to slip easily into the safety restraints where well-fitted clothing would prevent such a maneuver. There’s nothing quite like looking to your left and seeing 30 lbs of arm fat satcheled in pink spandex as it sways rhythmically to and fro.

8. The Injury Waiting to Happen. What’s up, Stud? Yeah. You. The one loading 350 onto a bar with no collars and attempting to bench it without a spot and no warm up set. See that thing directly below the bar when you have it extended? Yep. That’s your face. You’re not supposed to get weight bars in it. Maybe you’re trying to show off for the Super Model. I can’t deny I sometimes puff up just a tad when walking by the Super Model. Perhaps you’ve never been taught proper technique. In any case, you’re going to get hurt. You may or may not know the skinny guy next to you doing the same exercise at a quarter of the weight you are with excellent form is building muscle twice as fast as you are thru a greater range of motion. While you, literally bouncing the bar of your sternum and arching your back, are a candidate for an ambulance ride to thoracic surgery. Or your pal, the one with the 120-pound recurve bar trying to do arm curls. Sure, he’s very massive, just like you, but big muscles do not a strong man make. He’s swinging the bar up to 90 degrees before even beginning to lift it. Then dropping it like a stone using his lower back to arrest the fall. It looks like he’s trying to dry-hump his gloved hands. Let’s fast forward and see how his lumbar vertebrae look 30 years from now.

9. The Gym Moss. You plant yourself in one spot, naturally the spot I also need to use, and never leave. You’re just like a nice moss, growing slowly and never moving on. Not inkling in your head that you might share. Here’s what I think your train of thought must look like: “Well, it’s 5:30p on a Monday in a busy downtown gym. Everybody will be off work and in here soon, so I should get to my spot quick. Ah, here it is. The squat rack. The only squat rack. First, let’s do 5 sets of 15 squats. Next, let’s do 5 x 10 sets of dead lifts inside the rack. Oh, I know there are a whole separate area and/or machine for dead lifts, but I like the rack. Besides, now that I’ve put the bar on the ground and loaded it, no one will ask me if they can work in on squats. Third, let’s do 5 sets of 10 shoulder presses in the rack. I know, I know, there are benches, machines, and dumbbells for shoulder press, which I should use because there’s only one rack, but I was here first. And I’ve only been here an hour… that’s not so much.” Stingy bastard. Be courteous. Stand off the rack between sets. Offer to let those waiting to work in with you.

10. John/Jane Q. Cell Phone. You, with no competition, take the number one most annoying spot. You don’t have to be in a gym to be annoying, but since there seems to be no place that provides solace from the cell phone, you’ve brought it with you to work out. Let me start out by saying that I would find you annoying if you were talking on your cell and: driving, standing in line at the grocery store, riding the city bus, in a movie theater, on an airplane, riding in a car with me while I drive, etc. But at the gym, that takes the taco, pal. There is nothing so important, save for your wife/girlfriend being pregnant and expecting any second, that you need to have your cell clipped to your ample waist while throwing up weight. If you want to incur my wrath, sit on a piece of equipment in a crowded gym, with people needing what you’re on, and talk to your buddy on your cell. I’ll never say anything to any of the other personas above, despite their obvious flaws, but I cannot resist with you. If you absolutely have to have it with you, turn the friggin’ ringer off and switch on the vibration mode. I don’t want 300lbs on my shoulders with your Yankee Doodle Dandy ring tone going off. If it does ring, answer it or shut it off… don’t let it ring thru to voice mail. Don’t use your cell to hold your place on a machine or bench. Use a towel. If you put your cell on a bench to hold it while you trot off to hit on Super Model, I will casually brush the phone onto the floor and start my set.

Roy

They say I suffer from insanity.... But I actually enjoy it.

[Ravan 0]

ROTFLMFAO

Food, Fornication, Freefall

[hungarianchick 0]

But you left out the guy who sounds like he is about to give birth to a whale calf while trying to bench press 350...

"I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food."

[D22369 0]

But you left out the guy who sounds like he is about to give birth to a whale calf while trying to bench press 350...
***

LOL

I will include it in my next 10 most annoying ....

Roy

They say I suffer from insanity.... But I actually enjoy it.

[Brains 2]

Damn that is funny. I hate naked guy, he also goes into the steam room and can't understand that other people don't want him shaving in there.

We also have a deadly combo: The supermodel/cellphone talker.

Never look down on someone, unless they are going down on you.