Divalent

Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken. "No," he replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games, 30+ years of seasons tickets, but she passed away, so her seat is now empty." "Why don’t you invite a friend?" "I can’t. They’re all at the funeral."

Well, why would you want to put it on that? Seems like it would be most valuable/useful to have it attached somehow to your main. (Unless you plan to have 2, with the 2nd on your free bag.)

I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.' So we stopped playing chess.

I think this is probably the correct link: https://www.youtube.com/@FLY2KO/videos

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.” The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”

I make mistakes, and I’ll be the second to admit it.

To the guy who stole my antidepressants: I hope you’re happy now.

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it is between 1 and 5 pm.

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal. “Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!” “Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Sunday.”

I got a motorcycle for my wife last week. Best. Trade. Ever!

If you want a once-in-a-lifetime thrill, ... ... try skydiving without a parachute.

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked. "Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

My girlfriend is a porn star! (But she will kill me if she finds out.)

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, though, because it wasn't mine.

My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough. At least, that’s what it says in her diary.

As our doctor was performing a simple medical procedure on my wife, he warned her, "After this, you can't have sex for at least three days." "Did you hear that?" she asked me. "No sex for three days." "I heard," I said. "But he was speaking to you."

How come married women are heavier than single women? A single woman goes home, sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what's in bed and goes to the fridge.

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford. ---------------------- That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call. "Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?" The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?" "Um, no," mumbled the director. "Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?" "I … I … I had no idea." "So," said the banker, "if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?"

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75. Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.