mr.paul

He's not sure, he's not an adder!

My pet snake is 3.1415 feet long. He's a π-thon

If anybody would like a copy of Osteopath Weekly, I have back issues.

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. “I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread. After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, why the unusual interest in the raisin bread? Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?" “No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little." _______________

I was having a quiet beer at the pub the other day and a man walked in with a pet newt on his shoulder. I asked, 'What's his name?' 'Tiny', the man replied. 'Why do you call him Tiny?" I asked. He looked at me like I was a complete moron and said, "Because he's my newt".

What do you get if you cross an Agnostic, insomniac and a Dyslexic ? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius... but his brother Frank was a monster!

My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck in a deep hole full of water." I know he means well.

While stuck at home I had time to read two books – James Cameron’s “Titanic” and Bill Clinton’s “My Life.” There seems to be a lot of similarities between the two books: Titanic: Cost - $29.99 Clinton: Cost - $29.99 Titanic: Took over 3 hours to read Clinton: Also took over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: We’re not gonna go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Bill doesn't remember anything. Titanic: Rose almost goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica does... Yeah, let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon twenty years earlier. Because of hectic travel plans it was difficult to coordinate their travel arrangements. So the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on the Thursday, with his wife due to fly down the following day. When the husband checked into the hotel he discovered a computer in his suite, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing the error , sent the email. Meanwhile somewhere in Chicago, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting to find messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. Her son, rushing into the room, found her on the floor and saw the computer screen, which read: "To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've arrived I know you're surprised to hear from me so quickly. I just arrived and have been checked in. They have computers here now so of course I wanted to contact you right away! Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow and I can't wait to greet you! I hope your journey is as easy as mine was. By the way, prepare yourself. It's really hot down here!"

They said you just need to wear masks and gloves when you go out. They lied. Everyone else was wearing clothes

A monastery opened up a fish and chips shop to raise money for their charities. The food was really good when I went there. So good that I went back to the counter and asked the fellow for more French fries. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but I’m the fish friar. Let me get the chip monk to help you.”

What's the difference between COVID-19 and Boeing 737 MAX? COVID-19 is airborne.

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. That's humerus.

One fine morning a family of moles was looking out their burrow. Daddy mole took a deep breath and said "I smell pancake syrup." Mama mole took a deep breath and said "I smell honey." Baby mole tried to poke his head out but couldn't because the bigger moles were in the way and said "All is can smell is molasses."

At a costume party a guy was asked what his costume was. "I'm a harp," he said. "That costume is too small to be a harp." "Are you calling me a lyre?"

When I was little I thought sex was just kissing while you were naked. One time I got out of the shower and kissed our cat on the head but then remembered I was naked and ran downstairs crying and said that I just had sex with the cat. You shoulda seen my mom's face.

Akito in history class.... The teacher said...Let's begin by reviewing some history. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "Very good! "Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." "Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult. "Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961. "The teacher snapped at her class! "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do." She hears a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs." "Who said that? I want to know right now," she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945" At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, the same student yells, "Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher. "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, *"Damn, we’re screwed." Little Akio said quietly, "Chuck Schumer when Trump got elected in 2016."

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked her what is wrong. As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with?"

PEEING ON MY FLOWERS A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” "Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.” "Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?” "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’ "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh by the way, what’s in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."

While creating the bee, God tells the angel "... and put a needle in its butt." "What?" "Put a needle in its butt. And make its puke taste delicious." "Ummm... can we sleep on this and start over tomorrow?" "Nope. Make it able to fly 20 miles per hour, too." "You realize that's much faster than your humans can run?" "Yes. Oh, paint stripes on it...."

Our daughter said she wanted a pet spider. WTF, I thought. So we researched them and went to the local exotic pet store. They had some, but they wanted a hundred bucks for one spider. I told her, “Come on, let’s go home. I’m not paying a hundred bucks for a spider here when they’re much cheaper off the web.”