marcorandazza

I remember sitting in a Durian stand in Singapore eating my first (of many) durians with Cliff. A crowd of asians stopped and stared at the two white boys greedily slurping down the foul-smelling, but ever so sweet tasting fruit. i had tried to try durian before that day, but Cliff wouldnt let me. "When we get to singapore" he said. No way he was going to let me eat a Thai durian as my first...

Oh, Jesus, not only would he tell you about it in DETAIL, but he would know the references in EVERYTHING. He would see some detail in the corner that only he and the director noticed, and tell you how that episode of South Park connects to some TV show from the 1970s, and how that is actually connected to Beowulf, and then how the Church of the Sub Genius would eventually adapt it. Cliff is really annoying me now. He hasn't called me back in days. I went to work yesterday. I sat in my chair and stared out the window for 8 hours. I cried for about 4 of them. The other 4 were spent staring out the window, reading dropzone.com, and talking on the phone to all these fucking awesome people who keep calling me to make me feel better, and to try and get me to make them feel better. I suck at that, so sorry to anyone who called and I made it worse. I fucking hate this. This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before. This is not fucking fair. I go from angry to sad to numb to delusional and back again. In the delusional times I actually truly believe that this is all a hoax. I even tell people that Cliff is coming to visit me later. I think I may have scared a few people that way. In the angry times I am totally destructive. I hope that I dont smash anything too expensive. The numb times are probably the scariest. I just turn every emotion off. The sad times are the worst though. I keep watching the freeflying video of him, and when he reaches his hand forward to dock with the cameraman, my hand involuntarily goes toward the screen, as if I could reach into it, dock with him, and pull him back out here. Then he tracks away and I cant stop sobbing "come back Cliff". Great... here I go again. I'm fucking losing it. I'm really fucking losing it. It is not getting better like everyone said it would. It is getting way worse. Every fucking GODDAMN FUCKING MOMENT IS WORSE THAN THE LAST ONE FUCK FUCK FUCK! It is not getting better at all. How the fuck can it? Do the math. The moment I got "the call" was Cliff minus one moment. This is Cliff minus 5 fucking days. He was supposed to be Uncle Cliff to my kids. We were supposed to get old, and get thrown out of old folks homes together for slapping the nurses on the asses. We planned on becoming dirty old men. Cliff was like a translator for me. I'd say something fucked up, or do something fucked up, and as I walked away, he'd explain to everyone a) that I wasn't as much of a prick as I seemed, and b) what I really meant by what I said or did. Now I'm just going to be that fucking weird dirty old man. Old mean old man Marco. With nobody there to tell everyone that I actually dont mean what I said. I just dont have enough time between now and a reasonable life expectancy to make a new best friend like him. this is fucking bullshit. bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Ok, lets see if I can tell a funny story. So he and I are in Thailand, and well, lets just say I like Asian women. I'm sitting in a bar with him, and some girl is on my lap, and I said "Cliff, you know what I love about these girls?" He looks at me and says "the pulse?" Fucker! We were in Bangkok. Outside the bar we're in, the "Bug man" is selling snacks. Crickets, scorpions, beetles, mealworms, and roaches. Yes, big huge fried roaches. We grab a bag of each. Seeing cliff eating scorpions (which glowed flourescent green under the black light) was hilarious. We finally eat everything except the two big roaches. We stared at each other for a few seconds and then just decided to go for it. I do have pictures. We chewed, and chewed, and got more and more grossed out. It was like eating rotten ricotta mixed with ammonia, with a few grains of sand and some peanut shells thrown in. At the same moment we both puked and got thrown out of the bar. We laughed our asses off as we stumbled out into the street, picking pieces of bugs out of our teeth, washing down the taste of bug puke with cold Singha. And as gross as that was, girls were grabbing us asking "you have girlfriend thailand?" Nothing like eating bugs, drinking beer, and bird-dogging bar girls, with your best friend. There is something special about a friendship when you can tell a story about eating bugs with your friend, and it isnt a story from when you are 5 years old, its a story from your 30s. I feel a little better now...

Cliff wrote: Most families of skydivers have already come to terms with the possibility. If not, they will. They are your family - they share some of your genetic traits - they WILL understand. If you are talking about your extended skydiving family, they know that the risk of pain and loss are part of the full spectrum of experiences in life I say to that, now that Cliff is not here to argue back (yah! gotcha!) that I'm sorry brother, none of us are at grips with it now that you are supposedly gone. I say "supposedly" because i am delusionally still holding out hope that this was all some hoax that he staged. Josh said that it would be just like Cliff to stage something like this -- so that he could start a cult. Classic. Anyhow... back to my argument, that i will finally win with Cliff because he doesnt call me back. Fine, we need to come to grips with it. And yes, pain and loss are part of the spectrum of life. And I thank you Cliff for showing me some of the best. In life, you have a few of these "perfect days." The first time I jumped out of a plane. The first time i landed a net full of salmon in Alaska. The time I climbed an erupting volcano. Cliff is the only person who appears in more than one "perfect day" for me. The first one was in 1995 or so. We drove our motorcycles from Manhattan to New Hampshire. Helmets off as soon as we hit the NH border. 100 mph on rutty highways. Beautiful day. All our friends were already there. We all went boating on the lake way too fast, tripped out hard. I need to find this great picture of Cliff and i just contemplating life at that point. I know it doesn't sound like any big story, but it was a perfect day of adrenaline and peace and spending the day with my friends. The second was our entire weekend in Lido, Indonesia. A bunch of skydives. We went to the restaurant and ordered one of everything on the menu - because we couldnt decide what we wanted. Umpteen pitchers of beer. Then we needed tequila. The guy at the hotel had to go find some in town. Cliff christened me "Terrasino Rodriguez" as my Rodriguez Brother name. He combined the name of my family's village, with his own "dirty little brother" thought to give me that name. A perfect day. Again, you had to be there. But that too was one of the best days of my life. Thanks for showing me that end of the spectrum, Cliff. Forgive me if i dont have such gratitude for you showing me the other side of the dial. I could have stood to go through life without you showing me that. I'm gonna get you for this when i get to the other side! I promise, you'll be dealing with my pranks for a thousand years when i find you over there. Oh, and I do believe that Cliff needs to buy beer. -Terrasino

Oh you TOTALLY are on the same wavelength as me. No reason not to be selfish right now. I'm sure not going to critique anyone's way of grieving. Maybe a little, but that doesnt mean I have a right to. I guess it all depends on what minute you ask me about it. But go ahead: Be selfish. Be delusional. Be nutty. Be my friend. I'll be yours too.

Hey Cliff, I just wanted to write to you to tell you that you dont get to stop looking out for me just because you died. I expect you to continue to fulfill your best friend duties, and this "death thing" is no excuse for slacking on them. There's no way I can get through any day without your friendship, so I simply refuse to do so. Once you're finished with your "newly deceased" orientation, get your ass back to work, because I can't figure things out without you man. By the way, take a look at Freeflir29's video of you. It's the greatest thing ever. link-http://www.skydivingmovies.com/ver2/pafiledb.php?action=file&id=1308 the footage of you starts at the 3:04 mark. You've got this big shit-eating grin on your face as you exit. And, it just keeps shining there as you do some freeflying. The way that jump went is EXACTLY how I picture you in the afterlife, and exactly how I want to picture you in this one. You reach for the cameraman's hand to do a dock, and it so looks like you are reaching out to tell us that you are okay, and that you are reaching to us to tell us to hang in there. Its the same look you had on your face as you taught me how to sit fly. And then at the end of the segment, you track away. That is pretty much where my heart breaks every time. I wish you'd stay in the frame for just a moment longer. At that point, I start screaming and pounding the table, and smashing things, and flipping out, and Jennifer (mine, not yours) runs in the room to hold my arms back as I am screaming "Come back, Cliff." I know you would totally disapprove of how I'm handling this, but I disapprove of you not being here anymore, so we're even on that. I know you wouldnt want me to be losing my mind about this, but you knew that I was a lot less mentally stable than you anyhow. That was part of the bargain you agreed to when we became friends. So deal with it! And I know *that* would irritate you too. Well, if you don't like it then COME BACK! If you can't, then find the best place for Fish Head Curry on that side of the divide. Save me a seat. -Love, Marco (a.k.a. Terrasino Rodriguez)

As Cliff's attorney, I hereby relieve you of any claims from now to eternity. And you're so right about him approving of it. Cliff wouldnt have wanted anything glossed over. I'd much rather laugh at him than feel what I feel right now. And yes, he's definitely laughing at all of us. I'm sure he would disapprove of how I've been grieving. He'd tell me to "fucking suck it up" and "dammit, quit cryin'". This is one time, and the only time, that his advice will not be welcomed. Speaking of which, Cliff and I always talked about this "code" of how men should act. It was about doing the right thing, being honorable, without selling out your own beliefs. Any time I had a question in my mind as to whether I was doing the right thing or not, Cliff was the first call I made. And when I was hurting bad, he was also the first call I made. So now I dont know what the right thing is to do, and I dont know who to call to have them tell me "suck it up" -- of course, followed by a lecture about what a great friend I am and why I should feel great. That was his "go-to" position with me. This sucks worse than anything ever. I really hope there is such a thing as reincarnation. If there is, Cliff will come back just like he was. The perfect friend.

awesome post. big love at you.

What you are talking about now has nothing to do with skydiving. It has to do with dealing with loss. Many people stop getting close to other people after getting their heart broken, or losing a loved one to disease. There's the deeper question of what it really means to be alive which ties to why we jump in the first place. The route you are contemplating might reduce the chance of pain in the future, but it also cuts off something. And that something is part of what makes life worth living. As to the pain you might put others through if you die, here's two things: 1) Don't fucking die skydiving. Seriously. Stay sharp and do everything you can to not let it happen. Learn from every incident and don't repeat the mistakes of others. 2) While it will be painful, how do you want to be remembered? As that person that was so passionate about life that she lived it to the extreme and took risks or as that person who was always safe and nothing ever really happened to her. Most families of skydivers have already come to terms with the possibility. If not, they will. They are your family - they share some of your genetic traits - they WILL understand. If you are talking about your extended skydiving family, they know that the risk of pain and loss are part of the full spectrum of experiences in life. Lindsey, thank you so much for posting this. This is CLASSIC Cliff Heller. CLASSIC!

Oh my god. Thank you. That is beautiful footage of him. I've been watching it again and again and again. The first time, I flipped out and broke my hand punching the door. I dont hold you responsible :). I cant wait to make it through the entire minute without screaming and crying. If you, or anyone else, finds video of him. I would love to see it, and I'm sure lots of other people would as well.

He'd say "this sucks." Then he would go into an hour long lecture/diatribe about what death is really like. He'd cite at least 5 books and 5 movies about death, and tell me how each one of them was full of shit. He'd laugh at how ignorant they were, and would discuss ad nauseum his newfound expertise in the subject of death. It sounds depressing, but I'm actually smiling writing that. He was such a "know it all." Of course, thats because he knew it all. He probably wouldnt know what to say though when I asked him "who is gonna look out for me now, big brother?" Ok, im not smiling anymore. Actually, he'd probably tell me that I dont need him to look out for me, that I can look out for myself. But that's not really the point. Its not that I *needed* him to look out for me. Its that I loved that he *wanted* to look out for me. I just want my friend back. I've buried lots of friends. Never my *best friend.* Burying a good friend doesnt even come close to how bad it sucks to bury your best friend. Not even close. I hope that nobody reading this ever feels the way I do right now. I keep getting private condolences messages. Thanks to everyone who has sent them. I'll try and reply to all of them. They really do make me feel better... as do all the posts on this thread.

...not to worry. Just sent another prayer up for you and his family. I hope that isn't offensive...it's meant well. It is obvious that it is meant well. And I hope my gratitude is just as obvious. Everything helps right now.

I kind of wish I could *forget* the good times. Thinking about those is what breaks me up. I just found a roll of photos of us from when we were in Thailand. I have six pictures of him, and four are of him eating bugs. Thanks for all the good wishes from you and everyone else. They *are* making me feel a little better. I know I'm not the only one to lose someone. I do feel like it though. Last night I was telling my girlfriend that I thought it was doubly unfair that this should happen to MY best friend. Because, I'm fuckin weird. Not too many people can stand me as it is. So, when someone is a brother to you and has never turned his back on you (and I will say, Ive been such a fuck up in the past that he should have), it feels doubly unfair to lose him, and I feel a lot more orphaned than I could possibly have imagined. This sucks. This sucks so bad. This is the worst thing that has ever happened in my entire life. Thanks for reading my ranting. Sorry if I'm bumming anyone else out. I just dont know how else to cope at this moment. Blue skies Cliff. Come back if you can.

His Rodriguez Brother profile states that his favorite quote is: Don't Knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run away. He hates that. It was really funny a few days ago. It isn't really funny anymore. I guess I am the wrong person to ask though, since I havent really laughed since I heard about this. And the way I feel right now I dont feel like I'm ever going to again. I'm sure I will, but I certainly dont feel it right now. I was out of the loop for about 24 hours. When I found out, I spent the better part of an hour calling everyone I could to dispel this nutty notion that Cliff was gone. My thanks and apologies to everyone who listened to me scream into the phone. Now it has become my turn. I am getting phone calls and emails from all over the world, as more and more far flung friends hear the news, and want someone to tell them that it isn't true. This was my best friend. This is the guy in charge of pulling the plug on me in my living will. This is the guy who was a brother to me. This is the guy who always looked out for me when I was being an idiot - which was often. I guess that I have to stop being an idiot now. Because there's nobody there to look out for me anymore. I'd really like to hear from anyone who knew him out there. PM me. I'll respond when I am mildly less of a basket case. In the meantime, I will be punching things, screaming, and doing everything in my power (which is fucking nothing) to make everything go back to the way it was before this happened. I know we all have a 50-50 chance of having to bury our best friend. That doesn't make it suck any less. If you read this, do yourself a favor... call your best friend today. -Marco

Yeah... I would wish for my friend Cliff to have not died. Thats all I fucking want right now. Fuck peace on earth, fuck money, fuck happiness... I just want my best friend back. (He was the guy who went in at Eloy yesterday). Yeah, my wish would be for all the phone calls I got today to be bullshit, and for all the news to be bullshit.