tunaplanet

Four brothers left home for college. They became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in her house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Scriptures. And you know, too, she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests twelve years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church. Let me tell you...it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mama sent out her thank you notes. She wrote: Dear Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway. Mama Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Democrat. The thought was good. Thanks anyway. Mama Dear Manny, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same. Mama. Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you. Mama A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." So a guy and his wife arrives from a business trip and goes to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp." The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well." The waiter a bit miffed continues, "What about the mad cow?" The man looks at the waiter and says, "She can order for herself." Why did God invent lesbians? So feminists wouldn't breed. Why did the woman cross the road? That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen? Q: What did Raggedy Anne say to Pinochio as she was sitting on his face? A: “Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!” Forty-two

A couple of Alabama hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what? Forty-two

Always. Forty-two

You're not a woman? Damn. Hard to tell from that cape Forty-two

Good news? Ok. Here you go. Forty-two

Jerry Orbach died yesterday of prostate cancer. What a great actor he was. Enjoyed him quite a bit. http://www.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/TV/12/29/obit.orbach/index.html Forty-two

Of course not. What I am saying is that there are a lot of biased professors out there that let their personal interests dictate the grades they issue to students. Those personal interests include looks, political favoritism, etc... I would definitly not want my child in any class where the professor holds an extreme and bias opinion in politics for example. What if the professor walked by my son who was sitting at a picnic table and overheard him talking to a friend about how he admired George Bush and thought he was doing a superb job? That professor could easily take that personally and purposly give him unjust grades based on their political differences. Forty-two

LOL, no kidding. Forty-two

More on the Bills and the playoffs...no team wants to have to face off with these guys right now. They are one of the hottest teams in the NFL. They may have started off 0-4 but they have rapidly become a force to be reckoned with. Forty-two

The Bills have to make the playoffs first. They need to win their game and then need help. Forty-two

Perhaps you're used to free rides but in the real world there's no such thing, son. You earn your stay or you are thrown out. Pretty simple. Kind and decent are for charities. This is a business. Are you up to speed now? Forty-two

Unless the professor is biased. Then your statement is false. Forty-two

Why? She doesn't deserve it. Forty-two

And that's why you're one of the few upstanding people on these forums. Good to know there are some good decent people left that respect women and don't violate them....mentally or physically. Forty-two

You know the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? Position of the dirtbag. Forty-two

N/A

.....as long as a regular from Oprah's staff is ok all is good! Seriously. They had this headline on their website the day of the disaster. Nice priorities. It was actually above the link to the actual disaster itself. Forty-two

They won't stay long if they happen to check out Speaker's Corner and observe the conspiracy theories and behavior that goes on there. Forty-two

They didn't. Move on. Kerry lost. Time to cope and deal with it. No more conspiracy theories. Let's deal with facts. Forty-two

Ahhh. You made a mistake but Rumsfeld making one equals a conspiracy theory? Nice logic. Anything else? Forty-two

You've never used the wrong words before? Wow. You must be the only person on the planet to have never done that. Good for you. No republican conspiracy theory. Get over it. Forty-two

That is correct. What's your point? Forty-two

Since no warning was given does that mean it's acceptable to use those exact words against another poster in the future? Forty-two

Shouldn't believe everything you read. Forty-two

ROFLMAO! George Carlin couldn't make up shit that funny. Keep em coming. I need more humor today. Forty-two