Tandem Jokes

[jasonRose 0]

On the way to alti we usual tell a few jokes to help calm our passengers between briefings. Unfortunately we almost always tell the same jokes and it may be time for some new material. Does anyone out there have some short skydiving jokes they can share??

Here are the jokes we use.
Why don't skeletons skydive....
Why don't blind people jump...
What the monkey say when he got his tail caught in the propeller?
Two muffins sitting in the oven.....
Two cannibals eating a clown....
What the fish say when it hit a wall....
Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a erection

Some day I will have the best staff in the world!!!

[theonlyski 3]

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On the way to alti we usual tell a few jokes to help calm our passengers between briefings. Unfortunately we almost always tell the same jokes and it may be time for some new material. Does anyone out there have some short skydiving jokes they can share??

Here are the jokes we use.
Why don't skeletons skydive....
Why don't blind people jump...
What the monkey say when he got his tail caught in the propeller?
Two muffins sitting in the oven.....
Two cannibals eating a clown....
What the fish say when it hit a wall....
Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a erection

Worst jokes ever!

"I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly
DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890
I'm an asshole, and I approve this message

[monkycndo 0]

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What the monkey say when he got his tail caught in the propeller?

Not funny.

50 donations so far. Give it a try.

You know you want to spank it
Jump an Infinity

[feuergnom 22]

/jerk mode on/ search is your friend /jerk mode off/

The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle

dudeist skydiver # 666

[AggieDave 6]

Just a heads up, if at any time you find yourself besides me, I screwed up, but don't worry, no matter what happens, *I* will be OK!

Sure its over used, sure its old, but sure its a funny way to get certain people to relax and laugh.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[piisfish 136]

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Here are the jokes we use.
Why don't skeletons skydive....
Why don't blind people jump...
What the monkey say when he got his tail caught in the propeller?
Two muffins sitting in the oven.....
Two cannibals eating a clown....
What the fish say when it hit a wall....
Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a erection

and what are the answers ?

scissors beat paper, paper beat rock, rock beat wingsuit - KarlM

[feuergnom 22]

Two cannibals eating a clown.... says one to the other: don't you think that this one tasted funny????

The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle

dudeist skydiver # 666

[feuergnom 22]

same theme, different version:

from the time we are strapped together we do everything together - except for one thing: when you see a bright light at the end of a tunnel, don't follow me. you hear me? you walk towars the bright light....

The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle

dudeist skydiver # 666

[wmw999 2,313]

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Unfortunately we almost always tell the same jokes and it may be time for some new material.

It's only old material for you; if it works, it's new for the students.

Kind of like first grade teachers keep teaching basic arithmetic.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[jasonRose 0]

Agreed. However fun jumpers are finishing the punch lines...

Some day I will have the best staff in the world!!!

[DigitalDave 0]

I saw a tandem video once where on the way up to altitude, the cameraman says "are you nervous?" .. the pax says "a little" .. then the vidiot says "I was talking to Jim (the TI)."

That one made me chuckle.

Also, there's a thread on here somewhere where a tandem passenger thought he was cutaway from the instructor during a mal. I thought it would be funny to explain .. "this is the passenger cutaway handle ... If I don't think I can land with you attached, pulling this handle will jettison you from me so I can land safely".

[jumpin_junkee 0]

We have done this one to death for the last 9 years

Me: I remember my first jump. I was in the military and was I ever nervous. I actually got to the door and I stopped. I looked at the jumpmaster and he told me if I didn't jump he was going to bend me over and screw me in the @$$.

Straight guy instructor: Did you jump?????

Me: A little, at first.

[VTmotoMike08 0]

Saw this one last weekend:

While interviewing the passenger, the TI falls asleep in the background. After getting the interview, asking how he feels, etc then the video then cuts to the instructor, who snaps awake and pretends to be confused about what he is about to do. Vidiot asks if he remembered to take his medication this morning, TI responds "is it 1 pill every 12 hours or 12 pills ever hour?". Then he reaches into his jumpsuit and pulls out a prescription bottle that he filled with mints and pops a bunch into his mouth.

The student has to be in the right mood, but they usually get a pretty good laugh.

Also, there "Did you hear about the 25 dollars cash only hook up fee?"

[airathanas 0]

I worked at a dropzone that attached the goggles to the back of the harness, but the student could never see them. They constantly asked, "Do I get goggles?" I would respond, "Did you pay the goggle fee?"
They would usually say, "Goggle fee? What goggle fee?"
Then I'd say, "If you want to use goggles, then you have to pay the goggle fee."
Before they would get anymore flustered, I'd tell them that they have goggles.

When the student would ask before taking off in a Cessna, "Are we going to get attached together?"
I would say, "Now you want to be attached together BEFORE we leave the plane? Wow you want everything! I bet you want the parachute deployed too, huh?" They usually laugh, and then I'd explain when we would get hooked up before exiting the plane.

Silly whuffos!

http://3ringnecklace.com/

[Andrewwhyte 1]

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Saw this one last weekend:

While interviewing the passenger, the TI falls asleep in the background. After getting the interview, asking how he feels, etc then the video then cuts to the instructor, who snaps awake and pretends to be confused about what he is about to do. Vidiot asks if he remembered to take his medication this morning, TI responds "is it 1 pill every 12 hours or 12 pills ever hour?". Then he reaches into his jumpsuit and pulls out a prescription bottle that he filled with mints and pops a bunch into his mouth.

Pretty funny unless one of the passengers in the plane is dealing with mental illness in the family. They will probably smile just the same and never let you know how you ruined their experience.

[jtnesbitt 0]

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Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a erection

This is is popular at one of the local DZs I frequent. One TI in particular doesnt like the joke, as he thinks its a bit tasteless to be telling students. We will call him "Bob." So once the other TIs find out Bob doesnt like the joke, it becomes much more entertaining to tell the joke to Bob's students once they were strapped in as opposed to telling their own because it would make Bob blush temendously. Well Bob is a very smart guy...so he went out and bought a little toy Ferrari. (The matchbox kind.) He was joking around on the ground with the other TIs about it, saying he was going to jump with it in his pocket so that they couldnt deliver the punchline.

So they get up to alt, strap in, and about this time the joke would occur, so Bob pulls out the car, shows it to the other TIs and winks.

One of the TIs sitting a few people back yells forward to the whole load:

"Hey! Do you know what the difference is between a Porsche and an erection? Bob doesnt have a Porsche!"

"If this post needs to be moderated I would prefer it to be completly removed and not edited and butchered into a disney movie" - DorkZone Hero

[dragon2 0]

Very professional

ciel bleu,
Saskia

[jtnesbitt 0]

That could be said for pretty much any joke told.

"If this post needs to be moderated I would prefer it to be completly removed and not edited and butchered into a disney movie" - DorkZone Hero

[rehmwa 2]

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Pretty funny unless one of the passengers in the plane is {insert about anything}. They will probably smile just the same and never let you know how you ruined their experience.

Skydiving professionals continue to forget that the experience is for the customers, not part of the instructor's personal skydiving hobby, so things like teasing, entertaining themselves at the expense of the customer, talking aside (but just loud enough) about 'tips', off color jokes, flirting, etc are not something we should attribute to a 'professional'.

Being amusing as a method of getting the student to be comfortable is fine and expected and can add to the student's fun - but how often do we see the line being crossed significantly for just the amusement of the instructor or the surrounding up-jumpers?

edit: there's been a lot of good threads lately about the customer experience - gear fit, not shouting or swearing in their ears during canopy rides, the right kind of jokes, washing jumpsuits, smoking in your students' faces, groping, etc. this is a useful forum and helps define a "skydiver that does tandems" vs "a tandem professional" (or AFF, or ground school prep, etc)

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[rhys 0]

Tell your workmates' customer that if they wait 10 second until they are at terminal velocity, to spit and it will hover in front of them until the parachute opens.

If you like your workmate tell their customer when they can hear you so they can tell them what will 'really' happen.




I don;t know of anyone that has actually gone through with it... but it sure does make a good laugh.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will see peace." - 'Jimi' Hendrix

[rhys 0]

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Skydiving professionals continue to forget that the experience is for the customers, not part of the instructor's personal skydiving hobby, so things like teasing, entertaining themselves at the expense of the customer, talking aside (but just loud enough) about 'tips', off color jokes, flirting, etc are not something we should attribute to a 'professional'.

Very true.

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Being amusing as a method of getting the student to be comfortable is fine and expected and can add to the student's fun - but how often do we see the line being crossed significantly for just the amusement of the instructor or the surrounding up-jumpers?

often enough. too much!

But there is such a thing as being a stiffo, not fun, boring, bland...

some customers want to be freaked out, some want to be comforted, some will have a good sense of humor and some will not.

This is part of the job description and an instructor that 'never' jokes with their customer is a wanker, as much as one that does it every time!

If a customer is cursing and swearing it is then o.k. to let a couple of light weight swear words out (if you are that way inclined), but not when others can hear. It is mostly about getting on a level and making your customer feel comfortable with you.

Just as much as if your customer is some christian self proclaimed goody two shoes, you will have to be careful not to say what they consider curse words...

There is more to being a tandem instructor than plummeting and pulling strings....

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, then the world will see peace." - 'Jimi' Hendrix

[rehmwa 2]

that's a great answer, rhys - and good examples of both ends

I'm guess I'm saying "the professional" tries to find the customer's comfort zone and goes to that place and relates in that place so it's the best skydive for the customer

the "skydiver that does tandems" expects the customer to do that for them

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[jasonRose 0]

I am a little confused on the direction you are heading. IMHO jokes help calm nerves, obviously jokes need to be tasteful and not at the passengers expense.
Our ground crew usually primes passengers that the TI will tell awful jokes on the ride up so I would hate to disappoint. Awful = dumb jokes not raunchy.

A little humor makes the experience better and is the intent of the subject.

That said...
What do you call a fish with no eyes??

Fsssshhhhh

Some day I will have the best staff in the world!!!

[rehmwa 2]

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I am a little confused on the direction you are heading.

read it again, then, I'm clear

(sorry I don't have any new jokes for you, though. This is more of a tangent about professionalism vs what I usually see at some operations)

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[JohnMitchell 16]

I know we've talked about this and worked together. I still don't have too many jokes that I use. Usually I just chitchat a little and ask them if their excited for their jump. That question's answer will get you a good "read" on how they're feeling.

When I'm tightening down the harness for a woman passenger I will say "this is where you wish I was better looking." or "pretend I look like Brad Pitt."

Another line I use is "Do you like sticking your hand out the car window on a nice day? Yeah? Well, in a minute, you're gonna stick your whole body out the window. It feels great."
I don't like death jokes too much unless the student is really gung-ho.