Tandem Master Jokes Or Lines For Students?

[MikeTJumps 3]

I use this line:

I am your SKYDIVER EXPRESS CARD.

Don't leave the airplane without me!

(From the Karl Maulden version of the American Express Card!)

It gets the student's mind at ease.

Mike Turoff
Instructor Examiner, USPA
Co-author of Parachuting, The Skydiver's Handbook

[captainjavelin 0]

I tell the student that I am going to hook them up real tight at which time you might feel my chapstick.

I pause, then pull out some Blistex and put it on my lips.

I then show them the pocket that its in and tell them its right there don't worry.

[markymarc 0]

How does a blind sky diver know when he,s about to hit the ground?? The leash on the dog goes lose .

markymark

[nael 0]

I'm not an instructor either, but I'm gonna get in on this anyway.

When I was gearing up for about my 10th jump, I walked in to get a jump suit and the DZO was gearing up a guy for his first tandem. I've walked in and must've looked pretty confident in what I was doing, because the DZO turns to the tandem student and says "See, we even let girls jump here!! What's next? They're gonna want to vote or something!!" I started laughing, but the tandem student just stood there staring in disbelief. Made it even funnier for me.

On the way to altitude on my first tandem I asked for a money back garuntee if the chute didnt work. My TM and cameraman agreed!

www.TerminalSports.com.auAustralia's largest skydive gear store

[FrogNog 1]

In the on-ground interview the camera guy usually asks the student if they're scared, and our most veteran TM is putting the harness on them at that point and always nods vigorously and replies "oh yeah, I'm vehry scared...."

[G5fh84 0]

I have always gotten a laugh when in front of the family members of the student I ask the TM "so your still going to jump that rig even after the recall?" OR "I thought they red taged that gear after the last jump" and usually the TM responds "Yeah but it was the only one that was packed"

[brookowen 0]

Wow there are soo many different jokes to ease the tension during gear-up and in the plane, a couple of my favorites are as follows and please feel free to use them...

1) tell the student 'oh one more thing, when we leave the plane and during the freefall please keep calling out "ORANGE HANDLE, ORANGE HANDLE" it helps me remember.

2) Casually introduce yourself to another Tandem Instructor gearing up thier student (of course so the student can hear) "you must be the new guy, and is this your first day?" when they reply yes nervously, say "welcome aboard".

3) last but not least when you land and are walking in, mention to the student so that thier friends and family can hear, "hey, thanks for taking over when I froze up-up there, shh lets keep that between us ok ...hehehe that usually gets them all laughing!

Be safe, have fun

[StevePhelps 0]

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Our cameraman often concludes his in-flight interview with "Oh, and don't worry...no matter what happens to you guys, I'll be fine."

Blues,
Dave

Gonna use that one -- I occasionally tell the tandem (after they have hooked up) that our TM is the only narcoleptic TM I've ever jumped video for. Then they hear snoring behind them.

[Samurai136 0]

On occassion < hot/ humid days in a C206> the video guy has caught me catnaping in the hole next to the pilot w/ the student hooked up infront of me.

This weekend a customer asked me how many tandem jumps I had made as an instructor. I've been busy this season since getting the rating last fall and have made about 30 tandem jumps. I had already given her a full briefing for the jump so I told her I had just become a tandem instructor that morning.

"The DZO just finished my training. He said to pull one of these handles... but I forget which one. Oh well, I'll just keep trying until we get something out there over our heads."

She got a good laugh out of it.

Ken

"Buttons aren't toys." - Trillian
Ken

[teason 0]

I was tightening up my student(big burly guy) when he asks "uh you're not gay are you?"

I shouted back " ... uh ... I swear to GOD that's a pack of certs!"

He laughed, we left, it was a fun jump.

I love it when they're firing on all cylinders.

I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.

[adrenaline_101 0]

OH YEAH! THAT'S GONNA BE COMFORTING!

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• Quote

[adrenaline_101 0]

SOUNDS JUST LIKE YOU SHORTY!

[moonglo 0]

I'm not a TI, but one I hear a lot around here is "hey are you remembering to take your medication?" Other TI gives puzzled look and says "I don't know if it's supposed to be 2 pills every 6 hours or 6 every 2. Oh well, I'll just take a bunch to be safe"

[A2C 0]

Lots of my passengers ask me
"How long are you doing this?"
"Well..., what time is it now?"

[hungarianchick 0]

Once I was on a load with a tandem pair and the instructor was famous for wearing a different silly hat for every jump.
On that particular jump he wore an oversized black velvet top hat with a skull and crossbones on the front and told his student that this was his "bad feeling hat" because he had a bad feeling about that jump.

Another TI on the same DZ started walking toward the plane without his rig, and when the student asked him about it with a confused look on her face he told her that parachutes are highly overrated!

"I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food."

[medusa 0]

Asking for new yokes!

At my DZ in florida we got a huge paper that says: "

WARNING
ALL NEW TANDEM INSTRUCTORS READ BEFORE JUMPING:

All the following test is in Chinese




The expression on the people faces is so funny!
They ask the instructor if he knows Chinese, and they start asking around if some one knows Chinese!

Medusa

Get Killed or Die Trying!
Patent pending ATFK15456

[Iota 0]

Not an insttructor either, but

My friend and I went on our first tandem a few weeks back--his girl friend came to watch--but didn't jump.

Instructor (turns out not ours) first comes up to my friend--finds out that the girl is his gf and says, "Damn man, you win the lottery ? How'd you end up with a girl this pretty?" Then he proceeds to ask the girl, "Hey, if he doesn't come back, you wanna go for barbeque?"

I guess he could tell we were the joking type--we didn't take offense and actually busted out laughing. This was all while we were doing our paperwork mindyou.


When we were suiting up, the videographer did a shot of my friend's back with the bright red DANGER label and said, "Hey man... there's no parachute back here. Did you use the discount coupon or something?"

Cheers,

Iota

-----
2+2=5 For Large Values Of 2

[Jskydiver22 0]

Hey someone may have said this already, im just too lazy to read all these replies

But, heres mine. On the way to altitude, the tandem master says to the student...

tm: first time?
student: yup!!
tm: yeah...me to.

come on, that had to make you smile.

--I don't even know enough to know that I dont know--

[djmarvin 2]

as my main is opening and i know i do have a good canopy, i yell oh no, oh no, not again....usually the passenger will frantically ask WHAT WHAT WHAT....I forgot to make the bed again this morning. I love using this one on those "macho" guys who "aint scared"

DJ Marvin
AFF I/E, Coach/E, USPA/UPT Tandem I/E
http://www.theratingscenter.com

[skydived19006 4]

Had a friend tell me that how he has brought the know it all macho types a notch or two. After opening rip the Velcro on the toggles two or three times, then tell him to try not to move much. I haven’t done it, but the thought makes me laugh!
At a recent boogie a couple of TMs were contemplating having a “discussion” on the plane.

TM wearing sport gear: You know I’ve watched you tandem guys, that shit looks easy to me.
TM: Well if it looks so easy why don’t we switch gear and you can give it a try, smartass!

Don’t think they did it. Personally I wouldn’t want to be hauling that passenger! I much prefer my students to have an overabundance of confidence in me and the gear!

Experience is what you get when you thought you were going to get something else.

AC DZ

[mattjw916 2]

Quote

"Had a friend tell me that how he has brought the know it all macho types a notch or two. After opening rip the Velcro on the toggles two or three times, then tell him to try not to move much. I haven’t done it, but the thought makes me laugh!"

That is awesome... I'd tip the TM an extra $5 to do that if any of my "I ain't scared" friends would ever haul their butts to the DZ and do a tandem.

NSCR-2376, SCR-15080

[tandemphil 0]

I've got a couple here.

In the plane tell another TI's passenger that if your instructor tries to hand you some yellow handles after the chute opens,... don't grab them, they are the student release handles.

after the jump. i've got good news for you,....your skydive today was free! But you have to buy this T-shirt and it costs 160.00$

here's some info 'bout our program and a bumper sticker for your car,....If you don,t put it on your car, put it on someone elses,....just not in our parking lot 'k?

to do is to be
to be is to do
do be do be do

[AndyAnderson 0]

I am a little dyslexic and quite stupid and once tried to play the old " Narcrolepsy" joke on a student but said " Nacrophilia" by mistake much to all the others amusement.

[brenthutch 383]

The student asked me if I ever had anyone refuse to jump. I told her that is has only happened once...but since I only have 4 jumps I'm running about 25%.

One on the other instructors asked my student if she was nervous. She replied that she wasn't. To that he said, "Do you realize that you are jumping with Hutch (me)." He repeated this several times during gear up and climb. When we were on jump run I asked her if she was nervous, she said no, and I said, "Do you realize your jumping with Hutch?

Another thing we do is to have each instructor assure the other instructors student that they are jumping with the best instructor on the plane

[skysparky 0]

Loosening up the side straps after opening saying 'time to get rid of the dead weight'... damn near sent my brother right up the risers on our first jump together.