fighting the feeling

[juliemt 0]

My first skydive was October of 1998. That first jump changed me as a person. All skydivers know what I'm talking about. I fell in love with something other than a living, breathing being. A feeling of being in love. Each & every weekend counting down the days during the week until you're reunited. Looking at the sky on Friday night making sure I'm able to see at least half of the stars. Waking up on Saturday morning praying for blue skies. Driving down to the DZ with butterflies that have consumed my every sensation. The minute you're in the vicinity of the DZ your senses awaken by the smell of fuel. The rest.......well, we all know. Then, the cycle repeats it self on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.........After I'd been skydiving for a little over 1 1/2 years I tore my ACL on a poor landing. I think I was in denial initially. I realized the road ahead of me once I knew I had to stop jumping. I had surgery & unfortunately, caught an infection from the surgery & relied on intervenious medication and home nursing for a few months. I continued to miss skydiving each and every day as I over came my infection. Months went by & I started to gain strength both physically & mentally. I remember the doctor saying wait six months before you resume high risk activities. So, I did but, due to the challenges I had to over come, he advised me to wait a few extra months. I did, and 9 months later I returned to skydiving. I knew I was right where I belonged. I was at home again. Well, shortly after returning, I managed to re tear my ACL on another poor landing. I was in absolute dis belief......... Once I repaired it and rehabed it, a year went by and I knew after the year mark the Doctor said if I choose to return to skydiving I can. Well that was 3 months ago. I've yet to return. My confidence has diminished when it comes to my landings. I recall my feelings at 1K feet upon descent. The tension that over comes me is overwhelming. All of the what if's that have now set in have consumed my decision to not skydive. I've actively seeked out other activities to forfill the void. I've found two that I really enjoy. Rock climbing & cross country/ down hill mountain biking. I'm really enjoying both. Each bring me different highs. I realize NOTHING can be compared to skydiving. Although, I find myself waiting for a similar feeling. It's yet to come. I continue to remember jumping on a regular basis. Especially on the weekends. I decided last week to post a classified ad to sell my gear. I feel sick about it every time I think about the decision to do that. I ask my self, "Why do I choose to not rekindle a passion that was so deep?" So, right now, I ponder my own confusion..............

[hooked 0]

Oh man!!!!! How difficult for you. I can still hear the love for skydiving in your writing. You have to do what you feel comfortable in doing.

J

--------------------------------------
Sometimes we're just being Humans.....But we're always Human Beings.

[spidermonky 0]

That is soo sad! I know EXACTLY how you feel about the skydiving experience.

Have you talked with doctors about jumping with a leg brace?

[FallinWoman 1]

It is obvious from your post that you still love the freedom and amazing experience that we call skydiving. You didn't mention how many jumps you have total, or what canopy you had been flying and at what wingloading. Have you asked at your DZ about the possibility of having a radio for some help with the landings? Or jumping a big canopy that will set you down more softly?

Only you can decide what is right for you, but it is obvious that the love is still strong....

Best of luck and let us know!

~Anne

I'm a Doll!!!!

[skr 1]

Well that caused my heart to lurch ..

> "Why do I choose to not rekindle a passion that was so deep?"

The first answer that bubbles up is to point to
the pain now associated with skydiving.

The second is that maybe you don't believe you
can learn to jump without hurting yourself.

Both parts are fixable if you're lucky and no one
answers your gear for sale ad and you hang out with
the right people for a while.

Posting this here was a good start at finding some
of them.

Of course there are no guarantees, and maybe your
path in life really is somewhere else, but there
are no guarantees on any other path either and
that's not a question we are ever going to answer.

I got hurt once, actually a couple times, but only
once really bad. In 1980, after 18 years and 2,500
jumps, I hit under a spinning long story mess on
some hard packed Oklahoma dirt, the concrete runway
would have been softer.

Should have died but I laid out flat and made it.
The bounce didn't hurt, but after I came to it sure
as hell did.

That and some other life caused me to pull way back
during the 80's.

In 1992 I met DJan (via rec.skydiving) and in 1993
I found myself standing around Skydance while she
was going for her AFF rating.

Dan O'Brien, whom I had known since he was a young
sprout, saw me standing there. He knew my story and
basically said two words to me.

He took one of his own rigs, put a bigger main in it,
walked out the door, handed it to me, and said "Rig.".

Then he pointed to a King Air with people getting
on it and said "Airplane ... Go.". I guess it was
actually three words, and he turned around and
walked off.

I was scared shitless. I had made maybe 40 jumps
since 1980 and none at all in 5 years. I had lost
all my emotional callouses.

My conscious mind couldn't cope with what I was doing,
I made it out the door at 13,500 using ancient neural
path ways that still knew how.

Freefall was very familiar but I felt surreal.

At about 10,000 ft this rush of primal fear came
up out of my deepest gut and up my body and just
about blew my helmet off. At 5,000 I'd had enough
and pulled.

We're mammals, not birds, fear of falling and learning
from pain are wired into our deepest physical being.

It's kind of miraculous that our soaring of spirit,
and friendship, and expression of art and creativity
can be even more powerful.

Now if I'm getting your story right one key log in
the emotional log jam is the fear of canopy flying
and landings based on not knowing how to do it.

We have an epidemic of that because student canopy
training hasn't been worth shit for a long time.

I see it all the time, I jump with lots of new jumpers
and canopy control and general parachuting is about
80% of it. I see lot's of "experienced" jumpers who
were never taught these basics.

I saw DJan at 2,800 jumps make a bad move to miss
a barbed wire fence, break her pelvis in 6 places,
sever an artery and almost die on the flight for
life helicopter.

300 jumps later she's getting pretty good, thinking
ahead up high, talking about nuances and fine points
in her flare, and so on.

So, aside from empathy with your current state, the
point of all this is that there is another alternative,
which is to find the right people to hang with and
learn the canopy skills that you were never taught.

I'm going to email you an article called "Wings Level"
to mull if it's not too late.

We can all screw up and hurt ourselves, but with any
luck it can be some exotic set of moves that nobody
has ever thought of, and not some day to day blunder
that anybody with 10 jumps could have done :-) :-)

Skr

[spidermonky 0]

Quote

We're mammals, not birds, fear of falling and learning
from pain are wired into our deepest physical being.

It's kind of miraculous that our soaring of spirit,
and friendship, and expression of art and creativity
can be even more powerful.

WOW!! Very well put! Kinda makes me wish I wasn't an engineer and could actually write well.

BTW:You're page on Parachutist was in the first issue I received. Read that thing cover to cover at least a dozen times.

[Shark 0]

Hi Julie,

I can empathize... I tore my ACL and had ligament reconstruction years ago playing, uh, football. That was long before skydiving. I had a goal to play again, and I did. Although skydiving is very different, you still have to overcome many obstacles. If your body is in shape, it would make it easier mentally. I guess it can also work the other way as well. Come on over to Elsinore and I will introduce you to some girls that have overcome their injuries and are skydiving again. You will be inspired once you talk with them and their experiences. One of the girls is already back in 4 way competition and training. She broke her tib/fib in June and made her first jump after her incident in September. Hang in there.
Mark

[jumperconway 0]

Hi Julie,
I didn't start jumping until I was 39 and had already blown both ACLs! 3 screws,2 knees, only 10% of the cartilage left in my right knee and I jump a Xaos 84 loaded at 2.3/1. I think your love of the sport will get you back up with us! I agree that some good canopy control coaching is all that you need to rebuild your your confidence and land without incidence. I don't jump with any braces but I think that you should consider one. I don't feel that your passion for jumping is going to wane any time soon. Do what you need to get back in the air, you'll be forever glad that you did! Good luck!

Blue skies renewed,
Conway 1085

[mustard 0]

Coming back after an injury is really hard. Coming back after a *second* injury is enough to make almost anyone stop. But as you are finding our, nothing, absolutely nothing, can take the place of skydiving. There are plenty of reasons to quit, and not many reasons (according to the "sane" world) to continue. But as you so eloquently said it, only other skydivers understand.

Just an aside to what Skratch said, I hurt myself on Jump #2640 and now have 3100, so I've been working hard to learn canopy control for several hundred jumps now. I still get nervous on the last thousand feet, but now I feel more confident in myself and my canopy. I had never once used rear risers before my accident. Now I use them, as well as front risers, but even more so, I try things out in low stress situations, thinking about how I would respond with "what if" in mind.

I hope you will be all right with whatever you decide to do. Jump with braces. I know of two women who use full braces on both knees to protect injured ACLs. Good luck!

DJan

***
DJan

[Michele 1]

Hi...

Skratch really laid it out there, didn't he? Good deal.

Couple of things I'd like to mention. Not having had a serious skydiving injury (yes, frantically knocking wood), I nearly quit several months ago because of some pretty bad landings. At least one I prolly shouldn't have walked from, but because I'm flexible and chubby, I managed to walk away...

That exact jump made me realize that while I love jumping, I hated landing. Since gravity is king, I would always have to land. The only way to avoid landing is to not jump. But I couldn't stand that thought. But I wasn't "picking up" the landing thing...

I did what you did - I put it here on the boards. Skr sent me some stuff to read; Hooknswoop did the same. Others did their damnedest to support me and hold my hand and help me (Oh, Deuce? Where's that tape??? LOL). I scraped the $$ together and took the canopy control class.

Having just completed it last Thursday, I have to say that I have come huge distances in my flying, and in my basic understanding of how to do this safely and carefully. That's not to say I'm fine, no longer scared...just to say I understand it - it ain't majik, and it's certainly not luck.

Before you sell your gear, call and talk to a canopy class person. Tell them what's up, and see if there's perhaps a class you can afford to take...it kept me in the sport (at least for now - as soon as I get scared again that could change...). It's worth a try...

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[ShivaDas 0]

Hey Julie,
I recently missed almost six months from skydiving
for personal reasons not health. I love rock climbing
also, I have been climbing for many years. But just last week I went out and got current, did 4 jumps and have my first rig on order! I had such a blast, I am not too good at RW, but with a nice docile canopy
at least the landings were good!
I love to rock climb, thats why I live in Joshua Tree,
But I also love jumpin and I know I need to do it.
Sounds like you do too!
Good luck and I'll see you in the sky!Paul

Just havin fun!
Paul

[Unutsch 0]

it's up to you, what you'll eventually decide to do, but by reading your post, it became clear to me, that you're deeply in love with skydiving (man, do you know how to express feelings)... so choose well, you'll do the right thing at the end, no matter what!

Check out the site of the Fallen Angels FreeflY Organisation:
http://www.padliangeli.org

[juliemt 0]

Thank you. It's taken me some time to post my feelings. I'm glad I did.
Thanks again for your reply.

[juliemt 0]

Yes.
I had one made for me.
But, I have yet to use it Skydiving.

[juliemt 0]

Thank you for your reply.
I have 111 total jumps.
My canopy is a 150 Silhouette.
When I returned to Skydiving after the inital accident, I went on radio for the first 4 jumps.
I was also jumping a 190 Triathalon.

[juliemt 0]

[juliemt 0]

SKR,
Thank you for your deep words. Also, the article. It's a great feeling knowing that people care because they understand. Fear is an inevitable feeling. I enjoy the feeling now & again. That's probablly one of the many reasons I skydive. Now, I ask myself can I use the feeling to my advantage? Or, do I let the feeling of fear control me in a pre tense way? I hope I make the right decision.

[juliemt 0]

I love to hear that!
Thank you for sharing come back stories!!!

[juliemt 0]

Thank you Conway!
It's inspiring to know of your story.
I did have a brace made for me.
I have yet to use it jumping........

[juliemt 0]

Thanks Mustard.
Another inspiring story!!!

[juliemt 0]

Michelle.
Thank you for your support.
I like the idea of reading material.
Also, canopy classes.
Before, I injured myself the second time, I was looking into canopy classes. Maybe now they're offered @ my DZ?

[juliemt 0]

Thanks Paul.

[juliemt 0]

Thanks Unutsch.
I think you're right.
I hope I'll make the right decision..........

[Michele 1]

Hi, Julie

Quote

Before, I injured myself the second time, I was looking into canopy classes. Maybe now they're offered @ my DZ?

I see your profile says you're in San Diego. If Otay doesn't offer them, how about either Elsinore or Perris? I am at Perris, and just completed that class. Great info. I hear the instruction at Elsinore is excellent, as well.

If you come to Perris or Elsinore, Julie, and if it will help, let me know when you're coming up, and I'll meet you there. Nothing like a little ground support. Be happy to do that for you.

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[jumperconway 0]

Quote

Thank you Conway!
It's inspiring to know of your story.
I did have a brace made for me.
I have yet to use it jumping........

I did fail to tell you Julie, That after I was out off skydiving for 1 1/2 yrs, after only 5 jumps that I came back with a vengence. I have done over 1000 jumps in the last 2 1/4 yrs, never letting my past injuries impede my progress! Best of luck with the brace, I think it will do wonders for your confidence. Let me know. My faith is with you!

Return with us,
Conway 1085