My Struggle & Journey (advice needed)

[JefferyHale 0]

For months I had been talking about skydiving with my good friend, Brett. We spent countless hours watching videos, discussing future jumps, etc. Finally, I made my way to the local drop zone & did my first tandem. My mind was blown! That was it, I was in! Not with a regular needle, but with a corkscrew. There was no getting it out, or so I had thought. I ended up making two more tandems prior to starting the AFF class in May because I had to experience the rush, the sensations & the blue skies. All three tandems were rock-solid & on the latter two I wore an altimeter, pulled the ripcord & helped fly the canopy. That was it, I was ready to begin my AFF training.

The first day of instruction began in the classroom & later that evening I made my Cat. A jump. Rock-solid jump! Aced it, even though there were some jitters prior to me taking my position at the door (understandable), though they were just jitters at this point, it was what I like to refer to as a "healthy fear". Moving right along, I began my Cat. B shortly thereafter. Aced it! I even had it filmed & the link to the video can be found here...

http://youtu.be/xi32_7iXgDk

As you could see, I was calm, collected & rocked it (even though I was cranking in my turns & not banking). Had a few things to work on & moved right along to Cat. C. Had a great sunset jump & it was time to move on to C-2. Here's where it gets bad. I go up & while on the flight to altitude I begin to panic. The fear is no longer healthy, but crippling! I stare out the window, my palms sweaty, my heart racing, my breathing becomes labored. I end up riding the plane down. I equated it to stress outside of the drop zone & got back in the saddle to jump. This time, the fear is worse & my eyes well up with tears. My instructor does EVERYTHING in his power to take my mind off of the fear & to focus on the dive flow instead. It doesn't work, I ride the plane down. This happens a few more times & I decide to take a short break. Prior to the break though, on the evening of me riding the plane down once again, my mentor & friend, Dan P. had me do a tandem with him again to maybe shake off whatever I had. I did & this time it wasn't like I remembered it. I stared at the altimeter the entire time, mind racing, heart pumping & couldn't wait 'til we were at 5,500 feet so we could deploy the chute.

I clear my head while away post-tandem, I feel like I'm ready & I head back to the DZ with Brett. I'm calm, collected & ACE my C-2 jump. In fact, I was let go on C-1 & C-2 & didn't even realize it at the time, that's how stable I was! My instructors were quite pleased with my performance & passed me on to Cat. D. I go about a week (I can't remember exactly) without jumping & head to the DZ, again, with Brett to do my Cat. D jump(s). Or, so I thought! The fear is so intense I don't even board the plane this time. The next time, I'm geared up, getting ready to board the plane & I begin to panic yet again. I don't go. At this point I'm so embarrassed & ashamed of myself I can barely look at anyone.

Now, the reason this is so hard for someone like me is because I am an advocate of such philosophers as: Ayn Rand, Anton LaVey, Friedrich Nietzsche & the like! I'm a superman! I do well at everything I put my mind to! I have an excellent career (which was through trail & error), I'm confident, an egoist & one who advocates self-preservation & living life to the fullest. This fear I've been dealing with however has stopped me dead in my tracks. It has caught me so off guard & has devastated me.

Fast forward to today. I get up early, I head to the DZ with the attitude that I AM going to jump with Brett & I make my drive. As I get closer to the DZ I feel my stomach churning, I feel the nerves working on me, but I try to get a grip on them. I don't go to manifest right away, I sit around, wait on Brett & watch others jump/pack. The fear is getting so bad this time around I feel something of a panic attack on the horizon. Brett shows up, tries calming me down, tries to get me to manifest & just focus on the jump & channel the fear. I become so upset I excuse myself to the restroom & have a meltdown while inside. I burst into tears & sit on the toilet after becoming very sick.

All that I can think in my head is: "The fact that I am so scared of something I love/want so badly is one of the worst feelings ever!" I did not jump today & left the DZ early. I sit here prior to bed tonight asking for advice, words of encouragement, something! Anything! I cannot & will not give up on skydiving. I know that after I leave the plane I'll be on cloud 9! I'm a good skydiver & this has made everyone scratch their head(s). I also cannot be miserable each & every day that I make my trip out there, only to sit for hours debating in my head whether or not to jump. I'm a logical, rational individual, but the emotions are taking over my brain & I can't kick the demons! As I stated, I will not give up, I will jump again, but I sincerely hope it gets easier as I continue on in my journey, because this has been one of the worst things I've ever had to deal with & I've become my own worst enemy.

Thank you for taking the time to read this & any thoughts you may respond with.

Blue skies!

P.S. I left out some parts (mostly filler) & this may seem like a jumbled mess. Right now, that's how I feel, so my writing most likely reflects just that.

[5.samadhi 0]

why jump if its not fun?

[jrjny 0]

after the instructors stop make you doing tricks it becomes much more enjoyable

I'd look really hard at what initially brought you into the sport and see if it's really 'there' at this point

[waveoff5500 0]

It's not soccer man it's a dangerous sport some people accept that and continue and some don't. Some nervousness is normal so feel it out

"its just a normal day at the dropzone until its not"

1653

[Muffie 0]

One of the most experienced guys I know who's been jumping as a career for twenty plus years used to spend entire weekends at the dropzone too scared to jump. I'm pretty sure he even used to pull over on the drive to the dz to puke.

He got over and is one of the most rock solid jumpers I know. Try just hanging out at the dropzone for a bit with no expectation of jumping whatsoever and see how it goes.

And find someone who's been around for long enough that they've seen it all and knows you in real life to give you some feedback.

[NWFlyer 2]

I don't think any of us can answer the "should you continue" question; only you (and your instructors) can answer that.

What I found helped me a lot when I was a struggling student (and I still use the technique to this day), is visualization. It helps to have some time after you brief the dive with your instructor but before you need to gear up and get ready. Find a quiet place, sit down, clear your head, close your eyes, and visualize the entire skydive, starting with getting on the plane, to the ride up, to your jump prep in the plane, to your climbout, to exit, to all the skills you're asked to demonstrate in freefall, to pull time, and through your entire canopy ride to landing. Try to visualize the climbout to pull part in "real time," calmly, and patiently. Visualize everything going exactly as planned.

Helps with a few things - 1) it gets the dive flow more embedded in your head so you're not sitting there at 9,000 feet thinking "oh, shit what am I supposed to do next?" and more importantly 2) It creates a positive image of a skydive in your head, that you can then work on making happen for real.

Repeat this as many times as you need to in order to feel ready. Continue to visualize the entire dive flow on the ride up. Visualize success. Then do it.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[mjosparky 3]

Quote

I don't think any of us can answer the "should you continue" question; only you (and your instructors) can answer that.

What I found helped me a lot when I was a struggling student (and I still use the technique to this day), is visualization. It helps to have some time after you brief the dive with your instructor but before you need to gear up and get ready. Find a quiet place, sit down, clear your head, close your eyes, and visualize the entire skydive, starting with getting on the plane, to the ride up, to your jump prep in the plane, to your climbout, to exit, to all the skills you're asked to demonstrate in freefall, to pull time, and through your entire canopy ride to landing. Try to visualize the climbout to pull part in "real time," calmly, and patiently. Visualize everything going exactly as planned.

Helps with a few things - 1) it gets the dive flow more embedded in your head so you're not sitting there at 9,000 feet thinking "oh, shit what am I supposed to do next?" and more importantly 2) It creates a positive image of a skydive in your head, that you can then work on making happen for real.

Repeat this as many times as you need to in order to feel ready. Continue to visualize the entire dive flow on the ride up. Visualize success. Then do it.

You have learned well Grasshopper.
Sparky

My idea of a fair fight is clubbing baby seals

[airtwardo 6]

>>>Now, the reason this is so hard for someone like me is because I am an advocate of such philosophers as: Ayn Rand, Anton LaVey, Friedrich Nietzsche & the like! I'm a superman! I do well at everything I put my mind to! I have an excellent career (which was through trail & error), I'm confident, an egoist & one who advocates self-preservation & living life to the fullest. This fear I've been dealing with however has stopped me dead in my tracks. It has caught me so off guard & has devastated me.



The philosophy of objectivism teaches that reality is what it is, that things are what they are, independent of anyone's beliefs, feelings, judgments or opinions.

~So though you may 'believe' you are superman and that you do well at 'everything'...you've chosen an endeavor that tends to expose the cracks in one's mortar fairly quick.

It is what it is.

Doesn't make you less of a person...unless you let it. Heck I can't hit an inside slider to save my life, so I just don't swing at them.

You're either gonna push past this...or you're not.

But I seriously doubt that there are any 'magic pill' words of advice that will flush out your headgear and make you 'truely' confident...

So instead I'll offer these less than logical words of advise~

When you find yourself in a situation that starts to overwhelm you with fear...just 'act' brave, people around you can't tell the difference ~and after a while you can't either!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[rss_v 0]

Good advice so far. In particular definitely try going to DZ with no obligation or intention to jump. One thing that will make sure your fear increases and becomes more firmly established is trying to force your way past it. That's not how to beat fear, or similar objections to doing things - you have to sneak past it, instead. It's the difference between repeatedly walking into a brick wall, or just walking around it.

Also, remember that you don't have to skydive at all. It's a pretty weird thing to be doing, to be honest. If I ever don't want to go any more, I just won't. Simple as that. There are millions of things I don't and never have done and I don't beat myself up over them, either.

[johnmatrix 21]

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such philosophers as: Ayn Rand, Anton LaVey, Friedrich Nietzsche & the like! I'm a superman! I do well at everything I put my mind to!

It's one thing to assume those notions in an abstract sense - to agree to them when you're sitting around at home reading a book - but it sounds like you are experiencing raw fear, it was once said 'fear is the mind-killer'. It comes from outside the rational part of the mind. I found my 5th AFF jump quite scary, as I'd had very little sleep. More sleep and less caffeine would have helped a lot - reading some of Nietzsche's maxims beforehand? Not so much.
On the one hand you've got fascinating psychological insights written by an author while they were sitting inside at their desk having a cup of tea before bed telling you not to be afraid - vs millions of years of evolution forming the body that your mind is embedded in telling you that you're going to die. IMO being shit-scared is a fairly reasonable state to be in.

Apparently Nietzsche was the first philosopher to predict the existence of air travel. I sometimes wonder, if he had been a skydiver would he have ever written anything?

Anyway, stick with it, it does get easier, but it does sound like you have a fairly annoying problem to deal with!

[nigel99 143]

Most skydivers are crazy bastards. Maybe you're just not crazy enough?

It is funny, I think of myself as a fearful person, and then I hear so many stories of people who had to go and puke before jumping (never done that, but know a number of people who did).

If you like it and want to stick through with it - try and ride out the fear. Wear your lucky underpants, do whatever it takes to help yourself out the door. Conquering the fear feels great, the only downside is that being terrified makes you less safe.

If you like a common sense, mixed in with a bit of mumbo jumbo read Brian Germains book on fear (can't remember the title).

Good luck whatever you choose to do.

Experienced jumper - someone who has made mistakes more often than I have and lived.

[Joellercoaster 6]

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fear is the mind-killer

I suspect that's the first time the Bene Gesserit Litany has been quoted on dz.com, but it shouldn't be the last.

Also this:

http://www.goats.com/archive/990517.html

--
"I'll tell you how all skydivers are judged, . They are judged by the laws of physics." - kkeenan

"You jump out, pull the string and either live or die. What's there to be good at?

[obelixtim 100]

Well it seems to me that you did fine, then suddenly got to a point where it all got a bit overwhelming.

It seems a very unusual to me that you were OK, then suddenly were not OK.

I suggest you maybe have missed on something during your training and this is triggering your response. Fear usually comes from the unknown, and having got through several levels OK, you should be gaining in confidence, not the reverse.

Maybe you lack confidence in the equipment, or yourself to carry out your EP's in a real emergency, or both. To me this may be where your fear is rooted.

Also you seem to be putting pressure on yourself to be perfect right from the start, and in skydiving prolly more than most activities, you can be found wanting rather easily. This is OK, it sometimes takes time.

Try to get into the mindset of just wanting to enjoy yourself, rather than being perfect...if you set your goals too high it is easy to miss them, and feel disappointment as a result...fear of failure may be partly the problem, so try lowering your expectations of yourself......skydiving is not a race.....

As a start I would revisit those videos and things you watched that sparked your interest in the first place, and if possible, sit through another training session with your instructors (sit in on another FJ course), particularly the bits where they show and explain the equipment, and the EP's. Practice your EP's in the harness again.

Maybe you could take a step back and ask your instructors to go back and repeat one of your early jumps which you carried out successfully.

And don't bother with more tandems, you are not gaining anything by them, relying on the TM to do everything does nothing for your own development.

Find the old, grizzled jumper on the DZ who started jumping when the Ark sailed, buy him a beer and ask his advice...

And remember, fear is a normal response.....is instinctive. Your brain just has to tell your body thats its OK.

Also remember, you've already achieved something 99% of humans never will.....Be happy with that knowledge, you have nothing to prove to anybody else.

Just my 2 cents worth....

My computer beat me at chess, It was no match for me at kickboxing....

[councilman24 36]

I was similar for a long time. Driving to the DZ asking myself why. As soon as I got out I remembered "that's why!". Not as scared as you but scared.

But that's okay. Fear of falling is natural. (But with a parachute you intend to fall.) Fear of the unknown (gear, etc) is natural. (Learn more about the gear.) Fear of failure (jump goals) is natural. (Who cares, even Wendy got it.) Fear of dieing is natural. What USED to be appealing about skydiving was that when you left the plane you WERE going to die unless YOU DID SOMETHING. (no aad's) This was part of the challenge. Accepting responsibility for yourself and overcoming the fear. Some overcome the fear in a jump or two. Some take a lot more jumps. (My case about a 100.) For some the fear is paralyzing, for some mild. Your's is pretty bad.

I had an old girl friend who tried to take up skydiving for me. She would be in tears hanging on the strut (static line). I finally got her to stop.

The second jump is often the scariest. The first one was blind faith and you didn't know what to expect. Before the second one you had a chance to realize what you did and what could go wrong.

If you can overcome the fear great! If not skydiving may not be for your. It isn't for everyone.

I'm old for my age.
Terry Urban
D-8631
FAA DPRE

[Longbow1415 0]

Ive just returned to Skydiving after a 15 year break and 15 years wiser...more time and older now to think about it. Yes it scares me and thats good, some of us actually get off on the fear thats part of the natural drug. Just tell yourself youve got two parachutes on, one will always work and visualise yourself walking in after the jump with the chute over your shoulder and feeling pumped up. Every experienced skydiver will say they feel fear but we can all manage it and make it work for us however, If its making you ill then maybe its not the sport for you.
Good luck

[JackC1 0]

There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower, you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. By doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses, you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning, you will not be perplexed, though you will still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to all things. ~ Yamamoto Tsunetomo (1659-1719)

[rss_v 0]

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IWhat USED to be appealing about skydiving was that when you left the plane you WERE going to die unless YOU DID SOMETHING. (no aad's) This was part of the challenge. Accepting responsibility for yourself and overcoming the fear.

This is actually a huge part of the attraction for me. If I had the choice I would never use an AAD but, for better or for worse, they're now compulsory in a lot of places and sort of "unofficially compulsory" everywhere else.

I have an unusual (but not exactly rare) attitude towards life and death and I would actually rather I honestly did have to pull or die each time. Knowing that there's a safety net kind of makes it less beautiful.

Do you think many other people have this sort of view or should I keep it to myself? I'd never mention it at the DZ for fear of being grounded as a suicide risk or something silly like that.

[cocheese 0]

Think of how scary a base jump would be.. and what frame of mind you would have to be to do one. Now think about how good you have it with a skydive at a dz.

[Throttlebender 0]

"So instead I'll offer these less than logical words of advise~

When you find yourself in a situation that starts to overwhelm you with fear...just 'act' brave, people around you can't tell the difference ~and after a while you can't either! "


+100 on that last sentence! That applies to everything. Hell, some mornings I wake up cranky and then just make a decision to be in a good mood. It's my choice right? And it almost always works out that I am in a good mood.

We can convince ourselves of damn near anything. Just change your focus to the positive until it sticks.

Life expands or contracts in proportion to one's courage. ~Anais Nin

[Namowal 0]

My fear level (before exiting the plane) went something like this:

1. First tandem: nervous
2. Second tandem: scared
3. AFF level 1: scared
4. AFF level 2: scared out of my ____ing mind.
5. AFF level 3-8 scared
6. Student solos, grad and post grad jumps: slightly less scared, but still scared.
7. Jumps 43-45, still a bit nervous, but having fun too.

As someone else pointed out, the human brain is hardwired to throw logic out the door when it perceives a threat. For example, when you're about to get hit by a truck you're not thinking "If I choose to remain in its path it will flatten me. This outcome is bad. Therefore I'll get out of the way. To maximize my chances of avoiding a collision, I will get out of the way quickly." Instead, a more primitive part of your brain sounds the alarm. "Danger! Get away from it!" Trying to talk some sense into it is like explaining to your pets that thunderstorms are harmless.
Even though I got more scared before I got less scared, the fear level did plateau and start to go down. I suspect the repeated exposure to the scary door (and people falling out of it!) desensitized my brain to some extent. Raw fear has been replaced by a more reasonable fear (that is, "Check your equipment to prevent trouble" (and similar thoughts) have replaced "AAAAAAAH! I'm in this stupid plane about to do WHAT!???")

My blog with the skydiving duck cartoons.

[rss_v 0]

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I suspect the repeated exposure to the scary door (and people falling out of it!) desensitized my brain to some extent.

Haha, that yawning bright door is terrifying at first, swallowing the passengers one by one with a great roar each time. The jump master, with inexplicable calmness, checking they've been fully digested before signalling for the next sacrifice to move into position.

[jinlee 0]

Quote

http://youtu.be/xi32_7iXgDk

Only one girl in all of skydiving has that voice.... itty bitty Mel

[dthames 0]

I am sorry to hear you are having such problems. I have had some problems as well and when you want to do it and something is holding you back, it sucks.

Others have mentioned that after some early jumps many start learning more fear. Sounds like you just kept going right to the max. One skydive T-shirt says, “Mind over splatter”. I think that sums it up well.

Consider how you would feel if you take an airline flight today. Would you be fearful like you are on a jump plane? If not….what if you road the jump plane as an observer, strapped in and not going to jump? Would you be afraid while doing that? Now, imagine the day when you are in the jump plane and you would rather get out and jump, than to ride it back down.

In the end the people that jump out are those that would rather be jumping than riding the plane down. It is pretty much that simple, from the way I see it. I have never felt the fear to jump/exit, but the “Why” on the way to the DZ and the “Bad idea?” waiting on the plane, those feelings were there after the first few jumps. Being packed in a C-182 like sardines and the waiting to get to the top are still not pleasant for me. But when the door opens, a relief is there, because we get to GO.

I would be afraid to bungee jump. I am not afraid to skydive because I feel like I have reasonable control of the situation. Two handles, two parachutes and knowledge of using them are my tools. Maybe if you can figure out exactly what is bothering you, some training or conditioning might help. Look back at what happened between the time it was fun and the time you started having problems. Maybe there is a clue there to the source of what is bugging you.

Instructor quote, “What's weird is that you're older than my dad!”

[Olmed 0]

"I'm confident, an egoist & one who advocates self-preservation & living life to the fullest".

Yes..but that was before skydiving!

[dontlikemustard 0]

im not as experienced as everyone here, but as a new jumper who just went through something similar, everything is still fresh in my mind, and i feel the need to share, as its what worked for me.


1) one thing that helped me was to focus down my fear, as in... what was it exactly that scared me so much? spinning out of control? dust devils? horseshoe malfunctions? talk it through with your instructors. oh and tip em well.


2) Before my AFF1, I sat on the computer, browsing forums, looking at malfunction videos on the internet, for hours and hours, everyday. Looking at every possible malfunction out there, and how people overcame them. I refused to just jump without being as aware as I can be about every possible thing that can go wrong. I hit the wind tunnel before aff1, just in case. I read Brian Germains book on canopy control. I figured out how the cutaway system works, how the parachute works, how to do checks, I wanted to learn how people have died in this sport, death statistics, odds of freak accidents etc...

Jumping out of a plane uninformed makes me uncomfortable. Inexperience and lack of knowledge of this sport is our greatest threat as student jumpers. If something bugs you, ask about it.


3) have you ever tried meditating?

not asking you to go ahead and start doing yoga at the dz (though thats ok too).

just sit down somewhere, close your eyes, back straight, breathe slow and remember skydiving for what it is supposed to be, pure fucking adrenaline fun.

blue skies