How not to train

[decompresion 2]

How not to train

Amazing swoops to make Eagles jealous. Wingsuit flights so long that you would run out of map. Head down carves that make a propeller dizzy. In my ten years as a skydiver I have not even come close to any of these feats. If you also wish to be the same mediocre flier (or worse) in 100 jumps that you are today then you are in luck. Just folow my easy steps of Not training and you could fool the best of the pros that you are just off AFF.

1) The internet
Why go through a training regimen when you can just watch online videos and read some online posts. Of course training with a coach works if you want to improve your performance but getting the bowling speach demands extreme uncoachablility and a lack of awareness. Extra points can be awarded if you buy a book and never read it, argue with people on the internet withour reading their posts or watching online videos. Jumping with organizers is a waste of time because "Those who can't do:teach. Those who can't do or teach:organize"
2) Change disciplines frequently
Commitments are for marriage. You are a skydiver and live a life of freedom. Why be shitty at belly flying if you can suck at tracking, freefly and wingsuits too. Don't do more than 10 jumps in a row of the same discipline. Start freeflying right after AFF because you can't go low on a big way if you never try. Wingsuits make you 100 times cooler even if you can't track, that is what the wingsuit is for.
3) Commit to a ton of tunnel time
Skydiving is all about the freefal, period. The tunnel will sort out all your issues and get you to the coveted freefly group as fast as possible. Altitude awareness, exits, breakoff and approaches are not relevant skills if you can take a solid dock on your head. Canopy control will take care of itself because awesome freefliers use velos all the time. Do so much tunnel time that you are too sore to jump and skip jumping altogether because rigs are expensive and the plane takes so long to get to altitude. There are no weather holds in the tunnel either.
4) Get hurt
After all that tunnel time and online videos, it is good to be back at the dropzone. It is now time to go "all in" on your swooping. So what if you only have a 300 jumps? You go head down and you read all about "the corner". How hard can it be? What could go wrong? That rolling landing is a warning sign. Ignore it and keep going. Pretty soon you will scare yourself so bad that your femur shatters just from the thought of misgudging an approach. Post your X-ray pictures online and surprise nobody.
5) Repeat
If you follow these simple rules, you will be no better and even a worse skydivier that when you begin. If you repeat enough times, you might even have an ash dive and finally a bigway that you were part of. Repeat these steps for as long as you want to be a mdiocre or broken skydiver. it is impossible to be good at this sport, believe me, I tried everything short of commiting to a training regiment and working with a coach.

There are no dangerous dives
Only dangerous divers

[wasatchrider 0]

you spelled decompression wrong

BASE 1519

[yoink 321]

I agree about the rest but you're wrong about tunnel time.