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nigel99

Family can suck

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Rant - I’ve got my dad staying, he is flat broke and contributes nothing. I don’t mind food and bills, but I feel like I’ve got a bloody teenager in the house. I’ve got a nice bar setup and one of my hobbies is nice wine. 
Whenever I leave the house he sneaks alcohol and cigarettes. 
 

Ive just got home to find my last bottle of wine has been finished off, baileys finished and vodka opened and 1/3 bottle gone. He has drunk ALL my nice wines that I had collected. Speaking to him doesn’t work, he is just sneaky and dishonest putting empty bottles back in the rack. So now I have to resort to emptying the bar and hiding it all away, which also means I can’t just do my usual of ONE drink a night unless I’m sneaking it in a coffee cup, great way to enjoy good French wines /rant

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1 hour ago, nigel99 said:

Rant - I’ve got my dad staying, he is flat broke and contributes nothing. I don’t mind food and bills, but I feel like I’ve got a bloody teenager in the house. I’ve got a nice bar setup and one of my hobbies is nice wine. 
Whenever I leave the house he sneaks alcohol and cigarettes. 
 

Ive just got home to find my last bottle of wine has been finished off, baileys finished and vodka opened and 1/3 bottle gone. He has drunk ALL my nice wines that I had collected. Speaking to him doesn’t work, he is just sneaky and dishonest putting empty bottles back in the rack. So now I have to resort to emptying the bar and hiding it all away, which also means I can’t just do my usual of ONE drink a night unless I’m sneaking it in a coffee cup, great way to enjoy good French wines /rant

Enough is enough. He drank your fine wine stash. Put his sorry ass out with the recycling. Two things, maybe he's not your Dad. That needs some investigation. And two, maybe your inability to deal with an easy to resolve situation is caused by your foolish one glass a night wine limitation. You pound down a couple of good bottles in quick succession and I guarantee you'll resolve this in no time flat.

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2 hours ago, nigel99 said:

Rant - I’ve got my dad staying, he is flat broke and contributes nothing. I don’t mind food and bills, but I feel like I’ve got a bloody teenager in the house. I’ve got a nice bar setup and one of my hobbies is nice wine. 
Whenever I leave the house he sneaks alcohol and cigarettes. 
 

Ive just got home to find my last bottle of wine has been finished off, baileys finished and vodka opened and 1/3 bottle gone. He has drunk ALL my nice wines that I had collected. Speaking to him doesn’t work, he is just sneaky and dishonest putting empty bottles back in the rack. So now I have to resort to emptying the bar and hiding it all away, which also means I can’t just do my usual of ONE drink a night unless I’m sneaking it in a coffee cup, great way to enjoy good French wines /rant

Sounds like all the hallmarks of someone with an alcohol problem.

 

Maybe talk to a counselling organization and see if they can suggest the best ways to get a conversation with your dad started?

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52 minutes ago, yoink said:

Sounds like all the hallmarks of someone with an alcohol problem.

 

Maybe talk to a counselling organization and see if they can suggest the best ways to get a conversation with your dad started?

Dammit Yoink, don't be harshing poor Nigel or sending him off to some quack counselor like you know who. I'm already helping him with his alcohol problem.

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3 hours ago, nigel99 said:

Rant - I’ve got my dad staying, he is flat broke and contributes nothing. I don’t mind food and bills, but I feel like I’ve got a bloody teenager in the house. I’ve got a nice bar setup and one of my hobbies is nice wine. 
Whenever I leave the house he sneaks alcohol and cigarettes. 
 

Ive just got home to find my last bottle of wine has been finished off, baileys finished and vodka opened and 1/3 bottle gone. He has drunk ALL my nice wines that I had collected. Speaking to him doesn’t work, he is just sneaky and dishonest putting empty bottles back in the rack. So now I have to resort to emptying the bar and hiding it all away, which also means I can’t just do my usual of ONE drink a night unless I’m sneaking it in a coffee cup, great way to enjoy good French wines /rant

Hi Nigel,

My father* was a lifelong alcoholic.  I merely told him to never come around when he was drinking.  He never did come around unless he was sober.

Jerry Baumchen

* I grew up with my step-dad from about 5 yrs old.  He was the person who I always called 'Dad.'

 

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2 hours ago, wmw999 said:

Yeah, Al Anon might be a good call for you. And tell your father what you’re doing, and why. It might be the start of his wakeup call

Wendy P. 

To be honest it goes way beyond the alcohol, that was just the final straw for me last night. I could fill a page with the stuff. 
 

At the end of the day, he’s a self centred old man. He has not been in my life since I was two or three years old. The rest of the family (his brothers and sister, and my half brother), nobody would let him live with him because of how he behaves. I felt manipulated and pressured into having him because he threatened suicide three months ago. It’s only short term with me, when flights to UK open back up he may have to return there. If not I’ve made it clear he can pay to put up a granny flat out the back

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2 hours ago, nigel99 said:

To be honest it goes way beyond the alcohol, that was just the final straw for me last night. I could fill a page with the stuff. 
 

At the end of the day, he’s a self centred old man. He has not been in my life since I was two or three years old. The rest of the family (his brothers and sister, and my half brother), nobody would let him live with him because of how he behaves. I felt manipulated and pressured into having him because he threatened suicide three months ago. It’s only short term with me, when flights to UK open back up he may have to return there. If not I’ve made it clear he can pay to put up a granny flat out the back

Good on you for taking him in and good on you for giving him the gate if he won't toe the line. The counseling route is not your commitment or problem, not at this late stage in the game. As my dear dad once inquired: "Son, do you know what all old assholes have in common?". "No, say's I". Say's he: "They were all young assholes. Keep that in mind". 

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(edited)
On 6/11/2020 at 2:52 PM, nigel99 said:

Rant - I’ve got my dad staying, he is flat broke and contributes nothing. I don’t mind food and bills, but I feel like I’ve got a bloody teenager in the house. I’ve got a nice bar setup and one of my hobbies is nice wine. 
Whenever I leave the house he sneaks alcohol and cigarettes. 
 

Ive just got home to find my last bottle of wine has been finished off, baileys finished and vodka opened and 1/3 bottle gone. He has drunk ALL my nice wines that I had collected. Speaking to him doesn’t work, he is just sneaky and dishonest putting empty bottles back in the rack. So now I have to resort to emptying the bar and hiding it all away, which also means I can’t just do my usual of ONE drink a night unless I’m sneaking it in a coffee cup, great way to enjoy good French wines /rant

My dad was a drunken loser. He had every chance there was. I kicked him to the curb. No regrets, especially now that he's dead. Good riddance.

Edited by markharju
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He's taking advantage of you.

You are letting him.

His suicide threat was most likely manipulation. 
However, if it was serious, maybe he should be locked up in a mental institution. For his own safety (if he tries it as a threat, call the authorities).

He sounds like he may be an alcoholic. But, unless he wants to stop, nothing you say or do will have any effect. 

Al-Anon is for those affected by another's drinking. That may be something worth checking out. 

Good luck. 

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17 hours ago, turtlespeed said:

That sucks Nigel.

For what it's worth, I suggest getting all the siblings together for an intervention, and solution meeting.

You shouldn't have to bear this alone.

Do interventions actually work?

I agree that all the siblings should ideally be on the same page, and if not, should know what to expect from each other given any probable outcome.  No matter what the rest of the family may or may not do, you should be prepared to do only what you think is right. 

Don't feel guilty because they all think you should be doing something else (usually that means guilt to do more).  

 

Your first priority is for yourself and any spouse and children, not your "parent."

A moocher, manipulator, thief is not a parent, IMO.

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4 hours ago, oldwomanc6 said:

Do interventions actually work?

I agree that all the siblings should ideally be on the same page, and if not, should know what to expect from each other given any probable outcome.  No matter what the rest of the family may or may not do, you should be prepared to do only what you think is right. 

Don't feel guilty because they all think you should be doing something else (usually that means guilt to do more).  

 

Your first priority is for yourself and any spouse and children, not your "parent."

A moocher, manipulator, thief is not a parent, IMO.

Thanks all. 

I am formulating a response to him. I’ve learnt if you are going to set boundaries you need to abide by them. For now I’ve locked up the alcohol and my prescription meds (had him take some last night while I was out). There is an element of being stuck due to lack of international flights to send him home anyway. 

As far as siblings, he’s alienated himself from all but two of us and my younger half brother is quite a bit firmer than me. I’ve got great support from his younger brother (my uncle) who intervenes if I ask. So will work with him on a plan. 

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(edited)
On 6/14/2020 at 11:46 AM, nigel99 said:

Thanks all. 

I am formulating a response to him. I’ve learnt if you are going to set boundaries you need to abide by them. For now I’ve locked up the alcohol and my prescription meds (had him take some last night while I was out). There is an element of being stuck due to lack of international flights to send him home anyway. 

As far as siblings, he’s alienated himself from all but two of us and my younger half brother is quite a bit firmer than me. I’ve got great support from his younger brother (my uncle) who intervenes if I ask. So will work with him on a plan. 

Wow, man. That's tough. However, I hope you will nonetheless experience the best possible outcome, but when people are so damaged.... I wish I could have turned things around with my old man (an alcoholic mooch) but he absolutely wouldn't take any ownership. Had he made at least a minimal effort to show some responsibility it would have been a start; there was a great sense of loss in knowing that there was zero chance of a better outcome even though I kept waiting for him to at least try, even a little. I hope your mileage varies.

Edited by markharju

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There is a fine line between helping and enabling, and for sure it's not always easy to cut toxic people out of your life...  Especially when it is a family member or your boss, or the mother/father of your children. 

But ask yourself this: if other people have cut him out of their lives, why do you feel the responsibility falls on your shoulders?

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On 7/27/2020 at 10:15 PM, Nataly said:

There is a fine line between helping and enabling, and for sure it's not always easy to cut toxic people out of your life...  Especially when it is a family member or your boss, or the mother/father of your children. 

But ask yourself this: if other people have cut him out of their lives, why do you feel the responsibility falls on your shoulders?

Absolutely true! 

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On 7/29/2020 at 3:46 AM, NewGuy2005 said:

There's some truth right there!

Well he’s on his way back to the UK. Pretty much drove me out of my own home. Sunday I get my house back! 
I have spent the last few weeks at a friends house. My son also stayed with friends. I came home tonight to rubbish literally all over the kitchen can’t even use the stove as it’s piled with shit and rubbish strewn all over the kitchen floor. Pots with mould growing out of them. 

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5 hours ago, nigel99 said:

Well he’s on his way back to the UK. Pretty much drove me out of my own home. Sunday I get my house back! 
I have spent the last few weeks at a friends house. My son also stayed with friends. I came home tonight to rubbish literally all over the kitchen can’t even use the stove as it’s piled with shit and rubbish strewn all over the kitchen floor. Pots with mould growing out of them. 

Dude, that's awful.  Tag this in your memory files and refer back to it the next time he wants to take something from you that you don't want to give.  And, crucially, DON'T GIVE IT.  I know that some people believe that you should look after family no matter what.  I could not disagree more.  Some behaviours are unacceptable.  It's up to you to decide where you draw the line.

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3 hours ago, Nataly said:

Dude, that's awful.  Tag this in your memory files and refer back to it the next time he wants to take something from you that you don't want to give.  And, crucially, DON'T GIVE IT.  I know that some people believe that you should look after family no matter what.  I could not disagree more.  Some behaviours are unacceptable.  It's up to you to decide where you draw the line.

Believe me my resolve is made. He is 80 years old and selfish. I will most likely never see him again. His behaviour is not due to being old, he’s been like this his entire life.

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