religious joke of the day

[normiss 619]

How can you tell that Adam was a christian?

Only a christian could stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.

[winsor 185]

billvon

>Good luck with the peer review on that one. Anecdotal stereotypes tend not to fare so well.

Peer review on "who's more obsessed with sex?" Might as well try to peer review the statement "the Cowboys suck."

"The sports team from my area is superior to the sports team from your area."

Onion T-shirt

[jclalor 12]

A nun is doing a crossword puzzle on a long airline flight when she asked the passenger next to her if she knows of a four letter word ending in “unt” that describes a certain type of female. The passenger thinks for a couple of seconds and then says “Of course, the word would be “Aunt”. The nun then says, “Damn it, can I borrow your eraser”.

[normiss 619]

What is the difference between your boss and the Pope?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

[BIGUN 1,042]

What is the difference between your boss PRIEST and the Pope?
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[ryoder 1,380]

Why do the Baptists hate sex so much?
Because it might lead to dancing.

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Divalent 89]

Q: What's the best way to ensure that your Baptist fishing buddy won't drink all your beer on a fishing trip?



























A: invite along another Baptist.

[normiss 619]

After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.
"What’s the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.
Johnny replied: "That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home… I just want her to stay with you guys."

[normiss 619]

Why was the Mormon man upset about his marriage counseling bill?

Because he didn't get a group rate.

[normiss 619]

What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary's ear?
He had his first taste of Christianity!

[normiss 619]

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

[normiss 619]

The town drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. Seeing all the people in the river, he proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister takes notice of him and says, "Brother, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Well, mister preacher, I reckon so."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "And have you now found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"No sir, can't say as I did." the drunkard replies.

The preacher dunks him under again, this time a bit longer, then brings him up and asks, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Not yet, mister preacher, not yet."

The preacher, now angry, holds the man under for a good thirty seconds before bringing him back up. The preacher asks in a harsh tone, "For the love of God, brother, have you found Jesus yet?"

The drunkard wipes his eyes and asks, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Coreece 189]

How does a Muslim man close a door?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Islams it. . .

[SethInMI 145]

Heard in the Good one podcast, Jesse's Bubbe's favorite joke:
 

SO, a nun passes away and finds herself up in the clouds. There, she is greeted by an angel – halo, wings, the whole nine. “Welcome to heaven. We are so happy to have you here. Follow me.” So she does. A few minutes pass and the nun hears in the distance the worst screams she’s ever heard. Just terrible, awful screams of pain. “What is that?” the nun asks. “Oh, they are just drilling the holes for the wings,” the angel smiles. That seemed reasonable enough, so they keep on walking. Another few minutes pass and then the nun hears even louder screams than before. Just horrible, blood-curdling screams. “What is that?” the nun asks. “Oh, they are just drilling the holes for the halo,” the angel responds calmly. The nun nods and continues to follow the angel.

After a few more minutes, the two arrive at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter greets the nun, “You lived such a good and wonderful life. Let me welcome you to heaven.” The nun thinks and responds, “I think I’m going to pass.” “What?” Saint Peter says shocked. “You know the alternative: Hell. You’ll be raped. You’ll be sodomized.”

The nun nods slowly and says "At least I already have the holes for that"

[SethInMI 145]

Saw this licence plate frame on a car yesterday:

"Do you follow Jesus

this closely?"

Which I personally found hilarious. The contrast between the two messages encoded there:

1. Jesus is the answer

2. Back-off asshole

is just so fun.

(passive aggressive people for christ!) 

[wolfriverjoe 1,339]

I've seen:

Do you want to meet Jesus?

Keep texting while driving and you will get the opportunity.

[turtlespeed 212]

On 11/15/2019 at 1:50 PM, wolfriverjoe said:

I've seen:

Do you want to meet Jesus?

Keep texting while driving and you will get the opportunity.

I saw one the other day - "If Jesus is the answer, WHAT is the question!"

I liked the word play.

[mbohu 77]

On 12/2/2019 at 7:44 AM, turtlespeed said:

I saw one the other day - "If Jesus is the answer, WHAT is the question!"

I liked the word play.

I thought 42 was the answer.

[gowlerk 1,901]

10 minutes ago, mbohu said:

I thought 42 was the answer.

And probably the question as well.

[turtlespeed 212]

1 hour ago, mbohu said:

I thought 42 was the answer.

Then, literally, WHAT wouldn't be the question.

And to Gowlerk - 

It is the answer, you just have to find the right question.

[mbohu 77]

3 hours ago, turtlespeed said:

Then, literally, WHAT wouldn't be the question.

Well, that is what the earth was built for--to find that out.

(It's a reference to Hichhiker's Guide to the Universe: An advanced race once built a super-computer to work out the answer to "life the universe and everything". After thousands of years of calculating the computer finally came up with the answer: "42". So, they built another even more complex computer to find out what the actual question was. This computer was the earth with all of its creatures (the advanced race actually lived on the earth as the most intelligent species on it--mice--dolphins being the second and humans only third.) Unfortunately the earth got destroyed by Vogons (a horribly bureaucratic intergalactic race) to make way for an intergalactic highway, just days before it could finish its programming.)

[turtlespeed 212]

20 hours ago, mbohu said:

Well, that is what the earth was built for--to find that out.

(It's a reference to Hichhiker's Guide to the Universe: An advanced race once built a super-computer to work out the answer to "life the universe and everything". After thousands of years of calculating the computer finally came up with the answer: "42". So, they built another even more complex computer to find out what the actual question was. This computer was the earth with all of its creatures (the advanced race actually lived on the earth as the most intelligent species on it--mice--dolphins being the second and humans only third.) Unfortunately the earth got destroyed by Vogons (a horribly bureaucratic intergalactic race) to make way for an intergalactic highway, just days before it could finish its programming.)

Yep - 42 is the answer - you just have to find the right question.

[brenthutch 383]

I didn't read the whole thread so please forgive if this has been shared already.

A priest a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and asks,

"what is this?  Some kind of joke?" 

[TriGirl 268]

On 11/16/2019 at 5:50 AM, wolfriverjoe said:

I've seen:

Do you want to meet Jesus?

Keep texting while driving and you will get the opportunity.

Sort of like one I saw on base a decade & a half ago:

 

”I found Jesus!

(he was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana)”

[wmw999 2,114]

Not a joke, but too wonderful and could be:

Jesus Saves Runner

(I'm sure plenty of you heard about this anyway) 

Wendy P.

Edited January 10, 2020 by wmw999
Giant emoji