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Ketia0

Fear of Death

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I didn't know if this was better in speakers corner or the bonfire, so I chose the safer option. lol.

I need to get something off my chest, and have no other avenue except DZ.com. I used to post hear a lot when I was an active skydiver, but since my first child 6 years ago I have not jumped, nor posted much. Honestly, I rarely come to this site, so many of you probably wont know me, but have no where else to vent/talk about what is on my mind. (I still keep my license up for that glorious day when I do start jumping again)


Any who,

I turned 30 about 5 months ago. For the past 8 or so months I have been thinking a lot about death (well, the after death) and quit honestly it scares me sometimes. (Not like hurting myself, as I would never do that). It happens a lot at night when I am in bed. I will start to think about death, but more specifically the after death. The being gone, the nothing ness. The absolute done-ness. The fact that every thought I have ever had will cease in the moment I close my eyes and everything will be done. When I think about it I get knots in my stomach and have to think about something else. It puts a real fear inside of me, one I have never felt. Knowing that when that time comes I will never see my awesome children again, I will never see my amazingly perfect wife again. Everything will be not.

I am hoping this passes. I have no ailments that will send me to the grave early, but now when I get the least bit sick I start to internally panic wondering "is this it? is it over?"

I have no reason to feel this way. It is crazy when I think about it during the day and I can just shrug it off. I combat it with my faith because I know there is an afterlife and believe it.... But at night its like I forget that and I think about death as if there was no afterlife.

Any who, I had to get that off my chest. I am not in any midlife crisis as I am still cheap as I have ever been and refuse to do anything too reckless. (I did go on a tandem powered paraglider.... that was AMAZING. not as amazing as skydiving, but a close second).


Has anyone else gone through a phase like that???????
"In this game you can't predict the future. You just have to play the odds. "-JohnMitchell

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I remember you. :)
Yes, I've been through that. I think it's inevitable and part of growing old. As you see your kids grow up, you realize that you are growing old.
I have no kids of my own, but friends and relatives do and seeing those kids grow into teens and adults is likely part of what triggered it in me.

Dispelling that fear is one of the huge benefits of religion. (good thing you put it here ;))

The idea that we won't really die, the idea that we will be with our friends and family that went before us, even the idea that those we don'tlike will be suffering for their misdeeds.

A friend lost his wife to leukemia and has said quite clearly that he firmly believes he will see her again after he dies. And that that belief is sometimes the only thing that keeps him going in this life.

I happen to feel that those beliefs are not true, but I'm not going to say that to him.
I no longer subscribe to religion (for a variety of reasons) and don't believe there's any sort of "afterlife." When the blood stops flowing and there's no more O2 going into my brain, it will shut down. And I will cease to be.

Just like every other creature on the earth.

Acceptance of that can be challenging, and it's not a 'one and done' sort of thing.

I choose to live my life and try to do the things I want to do. To make it to the end of my life with as few regrets as I can is my main goal. To treat others as well as I can is another.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

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Thanks for remembering me and replying! Lol.

May I ask, what did you do when you dealt with that?

Does it ever bother you to think that one day everything will cease to exist? That you will become nothing?
"In this game you can't predict the future. You just have to play the odds. "-JohnMitchell

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At 35 years old I can say I have not experienced this (at least not in this way). My experience comes from deployment by the military when real active threats could end me. In any case I've adopted the fact that everyone dies at some point in time. What matters to me is how to enrich/enhance the lives of my loved ones with the time I'm given.

Everyone deals with it differently. Took a rocket attack for me to realize what's really important. For others its watching children grow up. Either way I would say do the best you can with the time you have, and not dwell on how much time you may have left.
Muff #5048

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Well, understanding that everything and everyone on this earth dies is part of it.

Understanding that my death (and the death of everyone else) makes room for all the new ones being born and is necessary helps. When my dad died, as the funeral was ending, there was a group of people gathering in the back of the church. For a baptism. Saying good bye to one, saying hello to another. That was surprisingly comforting to me at that time.

In the intro to the Darwin Awards book (first one, I think) basic evolution is described using squirrels. The point is made that if every squirrel ever born made it to adulthood and reproduced (and all of those offspring made it), then it would take about 5 years before the entire surface of the earth was covered in squirrels (presuming squirrels float).
Death is a necessary part of life.

If the astrophysicists are right, one day the entire universe will 'die'. The solar system certainly will, and if we don't figure out how to get off this planet and out of the immediate neighborhood (say a few hundred light years) then mankind will also cease to exist.
There's also the very real possibility that we will destroy ourselves and the planet (and that may be fairly soon).

Yes. There are times when I want to live 'forever'. There's progress that I'd like to see happen. There are people whom I wish to be able to see what happens to them.
That's part of the 'acceptance of it is not a one and done thing'.
"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

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glass half full, glass half empty.

You can think about dying and worry all you want.

Or you can think about how great life is, and when you die, you will have no regrets. We are all going to die.

Go out of here surrounded by your friends/family thinking about all the great times you had, all the friends you made, all the cool places you visiting and all the cool shit you did.

(Thanks Gus...)

And now go live your life like that. For yourself, for your kids, for your family, for your friends, and for the world.

whether you worry about dying or not changes nothing. Either way you are right. There is no right or wrong, there just 'is'.

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HI there. I remember you, too. I’m pretty sure it was your jumpsuit I fixed.
You’re part of the human race; we’re all going to die sometime. And until we accept that our part in life is what it is, and is what we make it, it’s bothersome. But my father (who was 91 when he died) will never see his youngest grandchildren grow up, but they’re growing up anyway, with some of his genetic and family legacy living on in them anyway.

I’ve been with several relatives as they passed peacefully. It’s an honor to share the completion of someone’s life, their biggest project. It reallly is.

We consider someone helping others to live their lives (eg helping elderly, inform, injured veterans) as a worthy way to spend our lives. But our lives are also worthy of our own support, and it’s that example that we pass on, so that our children or others we care about can make that example part of the lives they make for themselves.

Good luck. It’s not really helpful to say it’s probably a phase, but, you know — some really great poets have written beautifully about death. Not going into religion because it’s so intensely personal, and because sometimes we doubt on the inside what we profess and live on the outside. And being able to share that doubt and air it out is a part of growth. It might go away, might not. But it’ll definitely grow if you just stuff it.

Wendy P.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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I agree with TK. I am pushing 60 here so I do think about death from time to time. I can say I have enjoyed (and continue to) my life. I try to pack in as many experiences as I can and truly enjoy the company of my friends and family and meeting new people. And to me when the end comes will be what I hope to be thinking about.

It is far scarier to me to think about being around forever. I can't even comprehend what that would be like. I would rather have a finish point, an ending than think that I will just go on and on and on..........
You can't be drunk all day if you don't start early!

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My thoughts on death, specifically my death: Each day I try to live my life to the fullest. The goal is that when my time comes, if I have a moment or two to reflect on all I've done, seen and the people I've shared it with, it will take the undertaker a week to get the smile off my face.

Jack Gramley
Computer Consultant

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Hi Jak,

Quote

Each day I try to live my life to the fullest. The goal is that when my time comes, if I have a moment or two to reflect on all I've done, seen and the people I've shared it with, it will take the undertaker a week to get the smile off my face.



^^^ This. I'm now 78 and I know that the Grim Reaper is out there looking for me; but I'll continue to do my best to avoid him, even though I know he will win in the end.

I just do not worry about it.

Jerry Baumchen

PS) IMO life is to enjoy while we are here:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Parting_Glass

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e94yc4zE0yQ

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Always have said I'm not afraid of death...I just don't want to be there when it happens ;). I'll be 60 this year. No longer will most say 'he died young'.

I'd like to say I don't have any regrets but that would be a lie. I've far too many to list here. My purpose now is to create memories for my children.

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

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Ketia0


Does it ever bother you to think that one day everything will cease to exist? That you will become nothing?

Before I was born I was nothing; I have no memories, regrets, or sense of missing out because I did not exist. I'm quite sure it will be the same after I am dead. All that matters is what I do now, while I am alive. I hope when I get to the end of the road I don't have too many regrets about things I didn't get to do, or people I let down. I try to do my best to ensure I'm remembered as a good father, husband, colleague, teacher, researcher, friend, etc. When I'm gone I won't be aware of anything, but I hope the people I leave behind will remember me and not think "good riddance".

Live today, enjoy today.

Don
_____________________________________
Tolerance is the cost we must pay for our adventure in liberty. (Dworkin, 1996)
“Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire.” (Yeats)

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I'm 50 and, to be honest, I never gave much thought to dying, even when I was a serving soldier. We're born, we die. It's part of the natural cycle.

Many years ago, I was given some sage advice:

Plan your life as though you'll live forever, live your life as though you'll die tomorrow.

If you have more than you need, build a bigger table not a higher wall.

Try to perform one act of random kindness every day.

“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a ride!"

- Hunter S Thompson
Atheism is a Non-Prophet Organisation

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Thanatophobia = Fear of Death. It's normal for someone your age. Life responsibilities start building up (Kids, house, college for the kids, savings, do I have enough insurance, do I have enough... etc. etc.), stress goes up, the only outlet is your thoughts at night before you go to bed. It's a form of anxiety.

Write down those things you're thinking about right before you go to sleep - take that piece of paper and put it in a drawer and tell yourself, "I'll worry about that tomorrow and then:
You have your faith. Use it. Pray before you go to sleep.
Christian or meditation music when you go to bed.

The good news is - those your age usually have these thoughts for a short period. If it's longer than three months - go do some talk therapy. Getting it out with a health professional allows you to give them your problem.

And, yes; I remember you.
Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

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I remember you, welcome back.

I haven't spent too much time contemplating death, other than the financial side of it for my children mostly. Like you, the obligations of children have caused me to stop jumping. I am fine with that.

I am sure the fear of the unknown, which death mostly is, is pretty common and might just be a part of changes in life and circumstances. For many people starting a new decade can come with a lot of reflection. I am sure that will pass.

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JerryBaumchen

Hi Jak,

Quote

Each day I try to live my life to the fullest. The goal is that when my time comes, if I have a moment or two to reflect on all I've done, seen and the people I've shared it with, it will take the undertaker a week to get the smile off my face.



^^^ This. I'm now 78 and I know that the Grim Reaper is out there looking for me; but I'll continue to do my best to avoid him, even though I know he will win in the end.

I just do not worry about it.

Jerry Baumchen

PS) IMO life is to enjoy while we are here:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Parting_Glass

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e94yc4zE0yQ



My wife, who is a geriatrician, once told me that after 70 it's downhill all the way.

I have discovered that she is correct.
...

The only sure way to survive a canopy collision is not to have one.

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Then I’m going to work on making my 60’s (already underway) the best decade yet, so the slide has farther to go...

Wendy P.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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wmw999

Then I’m going to work on making my 60’s (already underway) the best decade yet, so the slide has farther to go...

Wendy P.



Once you start going down hill, all you do is pick up speed.

:P
"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

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It would be great if there were some antidote to transcend the fear of death and the fear of what happens after, but I think that everyone has to grapple with it in their own way. I personally used to fear it, but I think that the combination of growing older (I'm 33) and experiencing existential fear a few times has led me to accept and integrate the fact that death is inevitable and I am powerless to do anything about it. I think the real trick is to arrive at this conclusion without it becoming a paralyzing event. I can tell you that attempting to take the edge away with alcohol is a poor long-term strategy.

Nihilism isn't the answer either, and I see it as the ultimate abdication of responsibility. Once you make peace with the fact that death is going to happen to you and everyone else at some point, you can get to work affecting the world you live in, hopefully for the better.

What has worked for me is to look for meaning within my own realm of influence, and to constantly aim toward the "better" and the reduction of suffering. There is real meaning in trying to make the lives of those you care about better. With this in mind, the things that bother me the most nowadays are thoughts like "I wasn't as patient with my son as I could have been...I need to try harder next time" and "I need to be more understanding with my wife...she's had a rough day" or "I should try to be less grouchy at work" or "my diet sucks and I would probably have more to give if I looked after myself better".

Several months ago, I was in a pretty dark place emotionally, but I have found more meaning in taking responsibility for bettering the things that I can control (myself and my reactions) than I ever thought possible. I've seen my reality go from stress and chaos to relative peace. It's imperfect and there is always room for improvement, but if I were to die tomorrow I would be sad that my family loses a husband and father, but I would know that I left my little corner of the world a little bit better. That's why I personally don't fear death.
The best things in life are dangerous.

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After reading all the above responses, I believe you received some good advice and tips.

Some study that I read somewhere stated that the age 30 - 50 is the age of enlightenment. I know my thinking changed drastically when I turned 30. I developed a morbid fascination and did not expect to live much past 40.

At age 38 on 16 Mar 81 I experienced Jesus the Christ and was born again. So, the fantasy proved true. I did not live in my prior state any longer. I became a new creature in Christ.

I no longer live in the present relating to my body. Instead, I live in eternity relating to my spirit. When this body wears out I doubt if I even notice. It is simply a vehicle that has served me well.
Look for the shiny things of God revealed by the Holy Spirit. They only last for an instant but it is a Holy Instant. Let your soul absorb them.

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