New Years Resolutions And Genuine Change...How Does It Happen?

[windcatcher 0]

Okay folks here's a little bit of a psychological question for ya! Every year millions of people make resolutions to do/not do something different than what they've been doing. Lots of people try to go to the gym, quit smoking, try to be less selfish,etc. And millions of people quit their goals after a month in and nothing gets accomplished.

So my question to you is, how does genuine change happen? Not just meeting goals such as quitting smoking, but changes such as becoming more selfless, caring, giving,etc. How does one go about changing his/her temperament or outlook, assuming it can be changed? Where does change stem from?

Personally I think it can be hard to change without God's help, but I also believe people need to quit feeling sorry for themselves and just start living differently. Whatcha got?

Mother to the cutest little thing in the world...

[Belgian_Draft 0]

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people need to quit feeling sorry for themselves and just start living differently

That pretty much sums it up. People who live in the past will only repeat it. Over and over and over. A person has to leave the past behind and move on with their life.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.

[BIGUN 1,236]

IMO, that's because most people's goals statement have a start date, but no end goal.
Rather than have a goals' statement with an accomplishments end date.

Technically, when one says, "I'm going to quit smoking at the first of the year" and does it - even if its only for 30 days, they succeeded at their goal.

"I'm going to quit smoking at the first of the year." is much different than; "By the end of next year, I will have been smoke free for 12 months."

"I'm going to lose weight next year." is much different than; "By the end of March, I will have lost 40 lbs. and kept it off until Christmas."

"I'm going to start college next year." is much different than; "I'm going to start college in the Spring and have a degree in 'X' in three years."

It's about vision and discipline.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[prodiver913 0]

First off, God is an idea. Not real. As long as people ask for God's help, seek God, etc.... they will not succeed in their goals. People need to be more self reliant. People think they want to quit smoking because it's a good idea but cant cause they dont attack it with all they have. They put there trust in something that we created because we deny the fact we're responsible for our own actions and we cant deal with our own reality. If someone makes a New years resolution like losing weight then they need to do it. Not do it for a few months and before they know it they're back to where they started.

Change stems from will and self reliance. If you want something bad enough than you will get it. If it sounds good or looks good on paper and you dont have that will behind it then be prepared to be let down.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

[taylor.freefall 0]

Self discipline - easier said than done, but if you want to do something hard enough, you'll do it.

[kelpdiver 2]

Change happens when you decide to do something today in December, not to resolve to do it starting on January 1st. If you'll put it off till then, you're not really committed to the change. And so you'll drop it by February.

[SivaGanesha 2]

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So my question to you is, how does genuine change happen? Not just meeting goals such as quitting smoking, but changes such as becoming more selfless, caring, giving,etc. How does one go about changing his/her temperament or outlook, assuming it can be changed? Where does change stem from?

The advice I once got was that New Year's resolutions should be made in March, not January. January is a discouraging month--it's cold, bad weather, hangovers and bills from the holidays, etc. People get depressed in January. January isn't an easy month in which to stick with resolutions so most people don't. March is a much happier month for most people and they should make their major changes beginning then.

"It's hard to have fun at 4-way unless your whole team gets down to the ground safely to do it again!"--Northern California Skydiving League re USPA Safety Day, March 8, 2014

[shropshire 0]

One has to want change in order to enact change....



See simple ain't it?

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[lawrocket 3]

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becoming more selfless, caring, giving,etc.

The change comes from selfishness. It's a perceived value. "What good is selflessness going to do me?" "What good is being more caring going to do me?"

I am a selfish man. I want to spend as much time as possible with my family. People perceive my selfishness as "being a great father." So it's what matters to you!

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I think it can be hard to change without God's help

It's hard to change WITH God's help. Only YOU can change yourself. God can't do it because He decided to give us free will.

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people need to quit feeling sorry for themselves

That's actually what worked for me. It's amazing what I accomplished since I started blaming only myself for being a fat lazy loser.

But one danger you and everyone will face - telling yourself and others that you "need" to change, or "should" change. I'm sure there are people who will think that you should change your beliefs. They don't find value in what you find value, and such comments are gonna be met with consternation.

There is much about myself that I want to change. I think that I can be a better man. But I am not so foolish as to resolve to be a better man, or resolve to try to be - just to continue on the path to self improvement.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[dropdeded 0]

In my situation it was admitting I couldnt "change" without help. Then pursuing and accepting that help.

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The Dude Abides.
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[nigel99 412]

A few years ago the IEEE had an article about change that stated that even the threat of death does not cause people to change habbits in the long term. The examples given were taken from medical advice given to people following heart-attacks on diet and something like 90% (it is a long time ago I may be wrong on details) of people reverted to old habbits very quickly despite the major scare they had just had.

As someone pointed out people need "positive goals" so an end date is a good example or a positive reason to achieve their goals based on more immediate gratification. A few people have the sheer minded will power to change and carry on by themselves but they are few and far between.

Experienced jumper - someone who has made mistakes more often than I have and lived.

[windcatcher 0]

I think another way people can reach their goals is to not just write them down, but to also think about what will HELP them reach their goals and what specific action is needed in order to meet the goal.

Mother to the cutest little thing in the world...

[windcatcher 0]

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First off, God is an idea. Not real. As long as people ask for God's help, seek God, etc.... they will not succeed in their goals. People need to be more self reliant. People think they want to quit smoking because it's a good idea but cant cause they dont attack it with all they have. They put there trust in something that we created because we deny the fact we're responsible for our own actions and we cant deal with our own reality. If someone makes a New years resolution like losing weight then they need to do it. Not do it for a few months and before they know it they're back to where they started.

Change stems from will and self reliance. If you want something bad enough than you will get it. If it sounds good or looks good on paper and you dont have that will behind it then be prepared to be let down.

Sorry buddy, but you can't prove that God doesn't exist. Just because you THINK He doesn't, doesn't make it true. Would you rather live your life as if there was a God ( come to find out there wasn't) or live your life as if there isn't a God ( come to find out there IS.) If there is no God there is no purpose to life and life just ends at death. No thoughts, no soul, everything just shuts down at death.

I really don't believe we are here by accident and just live a life to merely exist and then die. Sounds pretty depressing to me actually.

Mother to the cutest little thing in the world...

[pirana 0]

Resolutions are a statement of desire, not usually of the measure necessary to actually effect change.

A smoker may state the resolution to stop, and probably truly does want to stop; but the pleasure of smoking trumps the pleasure of quitting. The belief that smoking is bad is not as strong as the belief that it is pleasureable

Meaningful change only occurs following the aquisition of new information (via a new experience), which leads to a new belief; or possibly (at an even more fundamental level) a new principle.

Some people make a concious effort to live according to held principles, but most just act out based on notions or feelings of what seems right or wrong based on some semblance of common sense. (Common sense is the distillation of a person's life experiences to date, sans any critical examination. It is not the same for everybody and can be misleading).

So, for a behavior to change a person needs to have some experience that generates a new or changed belief. That belief may or may not result in a new or changed principle, but is required for change to occur.

One of my favorite sayings:

"Your life is the perfect manifestation of what you believe to be true."

As an aside - Young people are much more open to change because their principles are still forming. The older people get (on average) the more they cling to their beliefs, no matter how ludicrous, and the more resistant to change. At some point in the average human's life it takes a really big WHACK to create new beliefs and generate real change.

" . . . the lust for power can be just as completely satisfied by suggesting people into loving their servitude as by flogging them and kicking them into obedience." -- Aldous Huxley

[pirana 0]

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If there is no God there is no purpose to life and life just ends at death. No thoughts, no soul, everything just shuts down at death.

I really don't believe we are here by accident and just live a life to merely exist and then die. Sounds pretty depressing to me actually.

Why are you so sure that there must be a God for life to have purpose? Why do you think that if there is no God there are no thoughts? Why is everything just shutting down at death depressing?

Death is to Life as reboot is to a computer.

It occurs to me that wanting to live forever in some form or another is quite a selfish desire. Life goes on, but the teeming and mostly insignificant hordes of individual lives expire. It's nature's way of hitting the refresh button. Gets rid of the flotsam and allows new stuff room to move in.

It seems silly to me to have lived a full life on Earth and still want it to go on for all eternity. Maybe that is the answer, people that can not accept death as THE END somehow feel cheated?

As Alan Watts said "This is it." Live it, love it; because we are all just worm food when it is over.

" . . . the lust for power can be just as completely satisfied by suggesting people into loving their servitude as by flogging them and kicking them into obedience." -- Aldous Huxley

[micro 0]

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First off, God is an idea. Not real. As long as people ask for God's help, seek God, etc.... they will not succeed in their goals. People need to be more self reliant. People think they want to quit smoking because it's a good idea but cant cause they dont attack it with all they have. They put there trust in something that we created because we deny the fact we're responsible for our own actions and we cant deal with our own reality. .

Tell that the to the thousands and thousands of people who have gotten sober through programs like AA, NA, etc. whose very premise is in turning one's will and care over to a Higher Power to conquer something (an addiction) that has become bigger than that person's will.

ETA: this still involves a choice, a decision to surrender, but it is far, far different from using one's will to try and choose to not use the object of one's addiction.

I miss Lee.
And JP.
And Chris. And...

[Vallerina 2]

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So my question to you is, how does genuine change happen?

By wanting it enough to practice everyday at changing habits. If weight loss is the goal, then a person has to eat right and exercise everyday, which can be difficult to do if the routine for the past several years is to grab a donut on the way to work and watch tv all night. If a person wants to change a character trait, similarly, they have to practice not being a jerk everyday until that habit is broken. It can be a struggle, and it does involve work, but when someone wants to change just for themselves, it's not that hard.

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

[kelpdiver 2]

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First off, God is an idea. Not real. As long as people ask for God's help, seek God, etc.... they will not succeed in their goals. People need to be more self reliant. People think they want to quit smoking because it's a good idea but cant cause they dont attack it with all they have. They put there trust in something that we created because we deny the fact we're responsible for our own actions and we cant deal with our own reality. .

Tell that the to the thousands and thousands of people who have gotten sober through programs like AA, NA, etc. whose very premise is in turning one's will and care over to a Higher Power to conquer something (an addiction) that has become bigger than that person's will.

Many non believers manage with AA in spite of the implied God.

Personally I think the notion that you're helpless is bullshit, but so far I don't seem to have a problem with alcohol, and I've deliberately avoided nicotine to prevent needing to deal with quitting. I don't know if all the participants really believe that part, or just go along because it's part of the 12 steps.

[micro 0]

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First off, God is an idea. Not real. As long as people ask for God's help, seek God, etc.... they will not succeed in their goals. People need to be more self reliant. People think they want to quit smoking because it's a good idea but cant cause they dont attack it with all they have. They put there trust in something that we created because we deny the fact we're responsible for our own actions and we cant deal with our own reality. .

Tell that the to the thousands and thousands of people who have gotten sober through programs like AA, NA, etc. whose very premise is in turning one's will and care over to a Higher Power to conquer something (an addiction) that has become bigger than that person's will.

Many non believers manage with AA in spite of the implied God.

Personally I think the notion that you're helpless is bullshit, but so far I don't seem to have a problem with alcohol, and I've deliberately avoided nicotine to prevent needing to deal with quitting. I don't know if all the participants really believe that part, or just go along because it's part of the 12 steps.

You're right, there are some who don't believe in God who manage in 12-step programs. They are, however, the minority.

As far as helplessness goes, that's really not the concept. It's powerlessness. It may not seem to be a differene to you, but it is. If they were truly helpless, there would be nothing they could do at all. But there is. They have a problem that has grown to be larger than their own will to control. That's the very definition of addition. They can allow something or someone that is larger than them and their addiction to intervene and help. They recognize they are powerless over their addiction but that they have the power to let a higher power intercede. For those who don't believe in God as a higher power, they may use the group as that higher power. However, most come to some belief in a God sooner or later if they remain in the program.

I miss Lee.
And JP.
And Chris. And...

[dropdeded 0]

You're right, there are some who don't believe in God who manage in 12-step programs. They are, however, the minority.

As far as helplessness goes, that's really not the concept. It's powerlessness. It may not seem to be a differene to you, but it is. If they were truly helpless, there would be nothing they could do at all. But there is. They have a problem that has grown to be larger than their own will to control. That's the very definition of addition. They can allow something or someone that is larger than them and their addiction to intervene and help. They recognize they are powerless over their addiction but that they have the power to let a higher power intercede. For those who don't believe in God as a higher power, they may use the group as that higher power. However, most come to some belief in a God sooner or later if they remain in the program.

[Vallerina 2]

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You're right, there are some who don't believe in God who manage in 12-step programs. They are, however, the minority.

(Sorry for detracting from the purpose of this thread) The success rate of AA may actually be about the same as the success rate with stopping on your own, therefore it cannot be touted as the end-all be-all for recovery. The odds are stacked against addicts as it is, so I would expect that a minority (non-believers) in a minority (AA success stories) to be very small.

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

[micro 0]

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You're right, there are some who don't believe in God who manage in 12-step programs. They are, however, the minority.

(Sorry for detracting from the purpose of this thread) The success rate of AA may actually be about the same as the success rate with stopping on your own, therefore it cannot be touted as the end-all be-all for recovery. The odds are stacked against addicts as it is, so I would expect that a minority (non-believers) in a minority (AA success stories) to be very small.

Who ever touted it as the end all for recovery? I've also dealt w/ people who have gotten sober w/o AA. What I was saying was that for those who engage in that program, it is tremendously successful and it is a program built on belief in God. The OP I was addressing made blanket assertions that there was no God and thus the only thing one can -and should- therefore do is to pull one's self up by one's boot straps and get about the business of changing. What I was illustrating is that in the business of addiction, that is a narrow view that has very limited success.

I miss Lee.
And JP.
And Chris. And...

[micro 0]

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You're right, there are some who don't believe in God who manage in 12-step programs. They are, however, the minority.

As far as helplessness goes, that's really not the concept. It's powerlessness. It may not seem to be a differene to you, but it is. If they were truly helpless, there would be nothing they could do at all. But there is. They have a problem that has grown to be larger than their own will to control. That's the very definition of addition. They can allow something or someone that is larger than them and their addiction to intervene and help. They recognize they are powerless over their addiction but that they have the power to let a higher power intercede. For those who don't believe in God as a higher power, they may use the group as that higher power. However, most come to some belief in a God sooner or later if they remain in the program.

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Thats pretty much been my personal experience. And if I dont drink tonight, that will make 10 years.

[livendive 8]

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Sorry buddy, but you can't prove that God doesn't exist. Just because you THINK He doesn't, doesn't make it true. Would you rather live your life as if there was a God ( come to find out there wasn't) or live your life as if there isn't a God ( come to find out there IS.) If there is no God there is no purpose to life and life just ends at death. No thoughts, no soul, everything just shuts down at death.

I really don't believe we are here by accident and just live a life to merely exist and then die. Sounds pretty depressing to me actually.

Of course he can't prove there is no god, because it's impossible to prove a negative. It is not, however, impossible to prove a positive, yet the billions of humans who have believed in such an entity have failed entirely to do so. Basically, it comes down to what seems most plausible to you (with substantial bias toward what culture you grew up in and significant bias toward what culture you later live in). Also, I don't understand why you would equate a lack of soul to a lack of thoughts.

Personally, I'd rather live this life as if it's all I've got and find out later there's even more, than enjoy this life less than I could in anticipation of a "more" that doesn't exist. I don't find this depressing at all. I'm also not fond of the idea of living for eternity worshipping anything, much less an omnipotent being that could end all suffering but chooses not to.

Blues,
Dave

"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!"
(drink Mountain Dew)

[prodiver913 0]

People want to believe that God exists. They need him/her/it. If we were more self-reliant from the beginning we would have never had a form of worship. Where is God? No signs. People confuse what we think and hear in our minds with our own superior intellect. We are biological. we evolved. There is more proof for that than any deity or deities. I believe that when you die, that's it. Done. And that's also what modern humans believed for almost 150,000 years. That when you die you become part of the earth and the cycle starts all over again. The idea of an after life as only been around for maybe 2,500 years. I am gonna take the 150,000 year side. Religion, faith, god(s), whatever is human thought. it evolved as we have evolved biologically and it has fast tracked since we started fucking this planet up since the neolithic revolution. I was a born again christian since I was 6 years old but I am now finally learning the anthropological side of the history of modern humans and it has taught me much. Maybe the majority of the world should do the same. People need to stop being ignorant of the scientific and cultural evidence and think for themselves. The majority of the world is scared to death to go against what they have always known. To the world: learn everything you can about everything, think for yourselves and stop being mindless drones who follow some teachings that have only been with us for a few thousand years when there are hundreds of thousands of years of evidence against it.

Once people know all the evidence and educate themselves fully then, and only then should they make a very important decision like that. Then it is fine. There is more than one way to live but live without ignorance. Not to you, but in general.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.