Jokes Thread

[HotLoad 0]

Been following the forums for a while now and finally decided to post (I'm sure you're all sooo excited). I've seen a few funny links and stories, but dammit we need some joke telling (dirty or otherwise) in here! I guess I'll throw out the first one.
What's more profitable, a 1-story or 2-story whorehouse?
A 2-story, because there's no fucking overhead.

[pyke 0]

What's the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend, and a wife????
a prostitute says..."Faster, faster, faster!"
a girlfriend says..."Slower, slower, slower!"
and a wife says..."Gray...I think I'll paint the ceiling gray."

Kia Kaha,
Pyke
NZPF A-2584

[GeekStreak 0]

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said...Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'
Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

[skymama 35]

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
What is the difference between "ooooh" and "aaaaah"?
About three inches.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well-hung.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Cuz every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.
How do you castrate a redneck?
You kick his sister in the jaw.
And finally......
Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

[lazerq3 0]

whats the difference between LIKE and LOVE???
Spitting or Swallow!!!

[freefallfreak 0]

Hi Ya'll,
(Breaking out the flame-proof underwear)
The Essential Guide to a Woman's English...
1. Yes = No.
2. No = Yes.
3. Maybe = No.
4. I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
5. We need = I want.
6. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
7. We need to talk = I need to complain.
8. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.
9. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
10. I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
11. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
12. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you are gonna' hate.
13. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
FFF

[lazerq3 0]

DAMIT FFF!!!!!!Is my wife over there again?????
jason

[grasshopper 0]

Q: how do you piss off winnie the pooh?
A: stick 2 fingers in his honey

[lazerq3 0]

ROFLMAO!!!!! I'll never look at Pooh the same again!!

[wingnut 0]

********(Breaking out the flame-proof underwear)*****************
i won't even ask why you have flameproof underwear!!!

"if dreams are like movies, then memories are like films about ghosts"-counting crows

[skymama 35]

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a man comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them. Two have a stroke....but the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.

[GeekStreak 0]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer

[froggie 0]

okay, theres a certain way this joke must be told... as the joke gets longer and longer start talking quicker and quicker...
Tell it like this:
okay, theres this fly, and hes buzzing over a lake. The fly's thirsty so he says "okay, im gonna go down there and get me a drink"
Sitting on a lilly pad theres a frog. the frog says "when that fly goes down to get himself a drink of water im gonna get me that fly and have me some dinner."
Flying above the lake theres a hawk. the hawk says "im gonna get me that frog whos gonna get the fly whos going to get some water."
SItting on the shore theres a hunter. the hunter says "when that hawk swoops down to get himself that frog whos going to get himself the fly whos going to get a drink of water im gonna shoot me that hawk and get me some dinner"
Behind the hunter theres a mouse. the mouse says "when the hunter squats down to shoot the hawk whos going to get the frog whos going to get the fly im gonna grab the cheese that pops out of the hunters back pocket....
Finally, behind the mouse theres a cat. the cat says "when mouse goes to get the cheese that pops out of the hunters back pocket when he squats down to shoot the hawk whos going to get the frog whos going to get the fly whos going to get the water im gonna get me that mouse and have me some dinner..."
(start talking very quickly...)
So everything starts to happen. THe fly buzzes down! the frog leaps up! the hawk swoops down! the hunter squats down! the cheese pops out! the mouse jumps! The cat pouces. Everybody ducks. The cat lands in the water...
THe moral of the story: WHEN THE FLY GOES DOWN THE PUSSY GETS WET :)

[freaksister 0]

bwahahahaha!!! good one, froggie!!! i love that punchline!
Sis
"What we're all really seeking is something where we can feel the rapture of being alive."J.Campbell

[Divadiver 0]

Froggie:
I love it!!! ROFLMAO!!
Divadiver

[skymedic 0]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur----lickalotapuss

[riggerrob 558]

How do blind skydivers know when to flare?
The leash goes slack!

[SpeedRacer 1]

ROTFL!! Good one riggerrob!! We need more skydiving jokes!
Speed Racer
Brew Skies

[miked10270 0]

Husband: "Our sex life is boring!"
Wife: "how?"
H: "we always do it Missionary style!"
W: "So what do you want to do?"
H: "I want to do it Doggy Style!"
W: "What's Doggy style?"
H: "You know... you've seen dogs do it!"
W: "OK... Now I get it, but just one condition...!"
H: "What's that?"
W: "You've got to pick a street where nobody knows us!"

[harro 0]

DRIVE-THRU' CASH POINT MACHINES
Please note that with the arrival of the new "Drive-thru" cash point machines customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable users to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them for when you use the machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Wind down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6 Wind up window
7 Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE
1 Drive up to cash machine
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
3 Re-start the stalled engine
4 WInd down the window
5 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
6 Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
7 Attempt to insert card into machine
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9 Insert card
10 Re-insert card the right way up
11 Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
12 Enter PIN
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
14 Enter amount of cash required
15 Re-check make up in rear view mirror
16 Retrieve cash and receipt
17 Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
18 Place receipt in back of cheque book
19 Check eyelashes in mirror
20 Drive forwards 2 meters
21 Reverse back to cash machine
22 Retrieve card
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
24 Restart stalled engine and pull off
25 Drive for 3 to 4 miles
26 Release hand brake
Freemind, freesky, freebeer, freefly

[Patkat 0]

As told by Handsome Dave - credit where credit is due!
A man and his wife are at her doctor's office. The doctor comes into the room and gives them some bad news: the wife is dying of cancer. The husband is really upset, and pulls the doctor aside to ask if there is anything he can do to help his wife.
"Oral sex," replies the doctor. "Give her all the oral sex she can stand."
So the husband does this. He licks and licks and licks...
A month goes by, and at the next checkup, the doctor comes into the room, and says, "I have some amazing news! There's no medical precedent for it, but you're completely cured, ma'am! I don't know how, but the only thing we did different in this case was the oral sex."
The wife is of course overjoyed, and so is the doctor, but the husband bursts into tears.
"Sir, maybe you misheard me - your wife is cured," the doctor said.
"I know, I heard you,"replied the husband. "But you don't understand - I could have saved mother!"
Ah, ah, ah
-patkat

[Billy 0]

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing
about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches
over and slice's off the man's pecker. Angrily, the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck
with his 10-year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of a sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy, what
the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his daughter to sex at such a
tender, young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, "Sure had a big dick didn't it?!"

[freefallfreak 0]

A bear and a rabbit are in the woods. The bear catches the rabbit and is gonna eat him but a Forest Sprite pops out ot the trees and says that if the bear will let the rabbit go they will both get three wishes. The bear goes first. "I want all the bears in the forest to become female." The rabbit wishes "I wish for a helmet." Poof - and the first wishes are granted. The bear's second wish - "I wish all the bears on the nation were female." The rabbit's second wish - "I wish for a motorcycle." and poof - the second wishes are granted. Then the bear wishes "I wish for all the bears in the world were female." The rabbit looks around, starts the motorcycle and says while revving the engine and letting go of the clutch and speeding off, "I wish Mr. Bear was GAY."
FFF
(yeah, I know it isn't really funny, but don't blame me. I'm just repeating it)

[PalmettoTiger 1]

A man walks into a restaurant and sees a STUNNINGLY beautiful woman at a table alone. He asks the maitre'd to send her a bottle of the house's finest wine and ask her if he can join her. After the wine steward takes the bottle to her and explains who bought it, she writes a note and gives it to the steward, who brings it to the gentleman. It says:
"I won't accept your bottle of wine and your company unless you have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in your bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
The guy looks at the note, and then beneath her message writes: "I have a Ferrari, 2 Porsches, and a Mercedes in my garage. I have ten million dollars in the bank and forty million more in various investments. But I would never consider cutting off 2 inches, even for a woman as beautiful as you."
Blues, squares,
PTiger