Want to be a professional Consultant?

[lummy 4]

>The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you
>are qualified to be a "professional consultant ". Scroll down for the answer. The
>questions are not that difficult.
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>1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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>Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
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>(This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly
>complicated way.)
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>2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator ?
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>Wrong Answer :
>Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
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>Correct Answer :
>Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and
>close the door.
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>(This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your
>actions.)
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>3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals
attend
>except one. Which animal does not attend?
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>Correct Answer :
>The Elephant because the Elephant is in the refrigerator.
>(This tests your memory.)
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>OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly,
you
>still have one more chance to show your abilities.
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>4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.
>How do you manage it?
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>Correct Answer:
>You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!
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>(This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.)
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>According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the
>professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many
>pre-schoolers got several correct answers. Andersen Consulting says
this
>conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the
brains
>of a four year old.

I promise not to TP Davis under canopy.. I promise not to TP Davis under canopy.. eat sushi, get smoochieTTK#1

[hagar 0]

How to be a consultant:

First you con people
then you insult them.

-Dogbert

---
PCSS #10

[nws01 0]

That made me laugh. That is a good one. Everyone in my office got it wrong.

[wlie 0]

We don't work in the same company do we?

My other ride is the relative wind.

[Spy38W 0]

Quote

That made me laugh. That is a good one. Everyone in my office got it wrong.

So fire them. Abuse your position of power while you still have it. Create Chaos and Havoc!

--
Hook high, flare on time

[nws01 0]

I don't ant to burn any bridges, Pete.

[Spy38W 0]

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I don't ant to burn any bridges, Pete.

Good point, but just think of the fun you could have.

--
Hook high, flare on time

[Skitzo 0]

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So fire them. Abuse your position of power while you still have it. Create Chaos and Havoc!
--

My O my, do we have a mean streak today?
-

"How do you keep your feet on the ground when you know you were born to fly?"

[Spy38W 0]

Quote

Quote

So fire them. Abuse your position of power while you still have it. Create Chaos and Havoc!

My O my, do we have a mean streak today?

-

Nah, just playful.

--
Hook high, flare on time

[christoofar 0]

Andersen Consulting has since changed its name to Accenture to hide its identity and reputation with high-dollar incompetent consulting.

I was on a project having to work with these "professionals," billing upwards of $350 an hour, who did nothing but technical writing. Alas, this was the 1990's so I'm sure most of that has disapated. Either way, the company was obviously nothing more than a fraternity for recent college graduates.

I have absolutely zero respect for Andersen Consulting and Computer Associates. Both of them are overstaffed with overpriced incompetent individuals.

____________________________________________________________
I'm RICK JAMES! Fo shizzle.

[lummy 4]

LOL... I know exactly what you mean......

I worked for one of Anderson's competitors and you are EXACTLY right, nothing but a big Fraternity of Ivy league college grads...

MY favorite joke was about on of the consultants who was a blue blood pompous ass. His Grand Daddy owned Bass Shoes...
Well, it gave me great pleasure to wear my Bass shoes and walk all over his ass in them

I promise not to TP Davis under canopy.. I promise not to TP Davis under canopy.. eat sushi, get smoochieTTK#1

[happythoughts 0]

"overstaffed with overpriced incompetent individuals"
I've worked both sides of that street - employee and consultant. There are a variety of reasons. Wall Street demands less long-term obligation - pensions. Hire consulants, do the work, they are gone. This is the most common reason. WS looks at employee levels. Also, consultants are easier to move from project to project.
The consultants have certain skills and the employees tend to not upgrade their skills. The companies need the skills and can't find them. When the job market gets tough, the companies use the financial pressure to hire them in. Supply and demand.
Another factor is accounting structure. Outside consultants are paid out of a different accounting bucket than employees. If a company is a non-profit or not-for-profit type, they may need to dump a lot of cash quickly (weird as it seems).
As a project manager, it may take 20 people to develop a project, but only 4 to run it. Hire 20 consultants, keep the 4 best.
Most companies are using the rent-to-own philosophy. Hire the consultant and then make them an offer. It's like a test drive on a car. Direct hires are risky. Ever try to get rid of incompetent employees?
Lots of reasons.

[christoofar 0]

I am a 1099 consultant. I know exactly what you mean. Of course, if I didn't "put out" like I should, I go hungry.

My direct experience with Andersen was when I was working inside a VERY large financial services company, who shall remain nameless. If you know anything about San Antonio, then you know who it is.
There were about 130 Andersen people on the project I was involved in at any given time. They were kicked out 1/2 way through the project after a shift in senior management revealed exactly how much money was being sent them, including putting these people up in hotels, flights from SAT to SFO, etc etc.

The same company now uses Indian and Pakistani programmers for rush projects instead. They crank out the code and only cost $30,000/yr per head and less. Capitalism at its finest!

____________________________________________________________
I'm RICK JAMES! Fo shizzle.

[happythoughts 0]

"the project after a shift in senior management "
Most management is like a Dilbert cartoon. They followed the Ford Motor Co philosophy of "Managment is dollars and resources." Chicken ranch, car assembly line - they think it's the same. Most managers have no clue what you are doing. They don't know what is going on, they just hope you get it done. They have the responsibility and none of the ability. Makes them nervous.
Companies like A.A., Price-Waterhouse etc. know this. They give management nice weekly status reports and a hefty bill. Everybody is happy.
Where I'm at right now is all former Big Blue employees. The management is former techies. It works right, the projects are on time, management backs us up. Lovin' it.

[wlie 0]

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company is a non-profit or not-for-profit type

You mean like Enron, Worldcom, and so forth ?

My other ride is the relative wind.

[christoofar 0]

I've done several projects for IBM Global Services. I acutally like them, believe it or not. I would not want to be a blue-head though... too much politicing.

An interesting comment I heard from a senior VP about H-1B visa people (who were all Indians where I was at)...

Me: "These guys don't get any medical/dental/vision, and are basically just serfs. How do you feel about that?"

SVP: (laughs) "They can fly back to India and just jump in the Gangi river, right? Isn't that enough?"


An interesting CNBC figurehead pinned management properly with his classic cliche: "The art of business and management is screwing people. Just do it tactfully."

____________________________________________________________
I'm RICK JAMES! Fo shizzle.