How To Get Rid of Jehovah's Witnesses

[pds 0]

1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry (immediate results).
2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity lasts.
3. Answer every one of their questions with: "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.
4. Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.
5. Excuse yourself from your living room (or wherever)... and don't come back.
6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls (bookie, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearful confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)
7. Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.
8. Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.
9. (Males only) Feign an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole nine yards. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout, and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a # 7. If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.
Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up 10. their God.

stolen from Robert Anton Wilson

namaste, motherfucker.

[skreamer 1]

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1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry

I'd have thought answering the door naked would make the weaponry a given...

[happythoughts 0]

Put in a porn tape before answering the door with a beer. Invite them in...

[LouDiamond 1]

I always answer the door and pretend like I'm deaf and start signing to them. They leave pretty quickly of course you have to throw in the mumbling as well with the signing

"It's just skydiving..additional drama is not required"
Some people dream about flying, I live my dream
SKYMONKEY PUBLISHING

[skygal3 0]

I remember being a little girl and my mother and I would hide in the bathroom...so I always snicker whenever I pass a JW hall and wonder if I went to their door if they too would hide from me in the bathroom.

[jtval 0]

what things like this to them :

What makes you think Im not a murderer?(with a dead serious face)
their confused look..."well,sir"

then scream "get out of here before I lose control again!" slam the door and kick it a few times! scream obscenities while walking around the room!

they'll be gone!

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[homer 0]

I used to have neighbors that I would play with (except Saturdays) when I was a kid that were JW. I used to love to go Trick-r- treating at there house just to hear them say "sorry we don't believe in Halloween." Eventually they just posted a sign on the door.

A good one that worked for me on an old friend from school who came to the door to preach was hand them a bible and say, "I will read yours if you read mine."

I could never be part of a religion that wouldn't allow me to celebrate my birthday or any other holiday at that.

CSA #699 Muff #3804

[pds 0]

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I used to have neighbors that I would play with (except Saturdays) when I was a kid that were JW. I used to love to go Trick-r- treating at there house just to hear them say "sorry we don't believe in Halloween." Eventually they just posted a sign on the door.

A good one that worked for me on an old friend from school who came to the door to preach was hand them a bible and say, "I will read yours if you read mine."

I could never be part of a religion that wouldn't allow me to celebrate my birthday or any other holiday at that.

i would never be part of a religion that would have me as a member.......

namaste, motherfucker.

[freefallfreak 0]

Lol...just tell 'em that you were disfellowshipped...and watch the fun...it seems that (to the best of my knowledge, which is very limited) it is a mortal sin to associate with a disfellowshipped member of their religion. They will boogie pretty quick after you inform them of your status.

FFF

"Upon seeing the shadow of a pigeon, one must resist the urge to look up."

[AggieDave 6]

Last time they knocked on my door, I invited them in to watch me sacrifice some cats to "lord satan". They left fairly quickly.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[Cajun 0]

Funny story, one time these people came to my house at 8 am on a saturday. I don't know if they were JW or someone else. Anyway I open the door to these people that the first thing they say is "Do you know what it means to be a christian?"

I respond " Accept Jesus Christ as you lord and savior?"

Guy looks at this piece of paper, looks back up and says with a confused look "yes"

I then reply with " ok, come back if you have any more questions" and closed the door.

They have never come back.

[hagar 0]

Talk about skydiving. Try to convert THEM.

---
PCSS #10

[sunshine 2]

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I then reply with " ok, come back if you have any more questions" and closed the door.

I can so imagine you doing that.

___________________________________________
meow

I get a Mike hug! I get a Mike hug!

[Viking 0]

i remember my retired Marine Major Grandfather would open the door in his boxers and said. "I am a trained killer please get off my porch."

I swear you must have footprints on the back of your helmet - chicagoskydiver
My God has a bigger dick than your god -George Carlin

[akaGQ 0]

Is there anyway any of you could come by my house...we are constantly being bombarded by JW's and mormons and all they seem to keep saying is that if I dont believe in there religion Im gonna goto hell but dont the JW believe that only 144,000 people are going to heaven? Ive tried threatening them with restraining orders and many other things I dunno maybe if I show up naked and answer the door that might scare them away and them never come back.

- GQ

... it was the love of the air and sky and flying, the lure of adventure, the appreciation of beauty ...
-Charles Lindberg

[dex 0]

When you see them approaching get your biggest holy roller voice and yell out "Did you come with JE-SUS?"

Wait for the inevitable, proud "why yes sir we did...."

reply back.. "well PACK him up and get him the &%!$ out of here..." works every time...

[KawiZX900 0]

i have had the displeasure to know a few mormons, they tend to be weird mo fo's. went out with an ex mormon. she was real fubar.. did you know they can't go to
"temple" unless they have references to their upstanding weirdo character.

Accelerate hard to get them looking, then slam on the fronts and rollright beside the car, hanging the back wheel at eye level for a few seconds. Guaranteed reaction- Dave Sonsky

[AggieDave 6]

I dated a mormon for 3 years, she was a great girl, and we basically fell apart due to her mom and her bishop (what they call their preachers) we pressuring her to "repent" for dating a non-mormon, telling her she was going to burn in hell and all kinds of shit.

I read and learned a lot about their religion during that time too, its very fucked, very odd and doesn't uphold Christian theology they state they believe in.

Short version of the story: Its fucked in the head and they're so far away from Christian theology I don't see how they still proclaim themselves as disciples of Christ.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[NewGuy 0]

I could see the JW's walking up the street. I knew it was my turn next. When they knocked on the door, I looked through the peep hole, and sure enough it was them. I yelled "Dad, get the Gun, it's the JW's again!" After opening the door, I greeted them with "Hi, hold on a sec, my Dad will be here shortly. He wants to speak with you."

Now that I'm a little older I ask them politely to leave and let them know that I don't appreciate uninvited people knocking on my door and taking up my time. Its just like spam, telephone soliciting, junk mail, etc. Its not wanted. So far, this technique works quite well. The revolver helps though.

[riggerrob 558]

Husky dogs work great at discouraging JWs. Especially 80 pound Husk dogs straining at their leashes.
I never got around to telling the JWs that we had a very friendly 80 pound Husky dog who only wanted to lick their faces.
He! He!

Another great way to discourage JWs is to agree to visit their church, provided they attend my church. My church meets at the open door of a Cessna every Sunday morning. We say a few prayers then step outside to practice flying like angels.
He! He!

[homer 0]

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Another great way to discourage JWs is to agree to visit their church, provided they attend my church. My church meets at the open door of a Cessna every Sunday morning. We say a few prayers then step outside to practice flying like angels.
He! He!

That I do like nice one

As for the morms one of my great skydiving buddies is one and sunday is his family/ church day. What makes him so great is he doesn't preach to me about going to HELL for being a Roman Catholic. He is an old swearning horny woman chasing divorced SOB. Doesn't drink alcohol but does DEW THE DEW

Edit- I could never belong to the morms because I just don't believe in a religion requiring you to give 10% of your income as well as account information to belong. Think of how much extra beer and jumps I could make with my extra $4k a year they would take from me.

CSA #699 Muff #3804

[beowulf 1]

Yeah Disfellowshipped people are ones that broke a major rule and everyone who is a Jehovah's Witness is banned from having anything to do with them at all. Even speaking to them. Unless the have to work with them. Then only as long as it has to do with work. That is the quickest way to get them to leave you alone.
My mother is a Jehovah's Witness. I told her when I was 14 that there was no way in hell that I would ever get baptized as a Jehovah's Witness. She promptly kicked me out to live with my Dad.

[Jimbo 0]

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Yeah Disfellowshipped people are ones that broke a major rule and everyone who is a Jehovah's Witness is banned from having anything to do with them at all.

Like smoking, or getting drunk? The JWs have some pretty strict, and sometimes odd, rules. It seems to me like more of a cult than a religion. To each their own I guess.

-
Jim

"Like" - The modern day comma
Good bye, my friends. You are missed.

[beowulf 1]

profanity would get you disfellowshipped
just tell an elder to fuk off
elder is what the refer to their head preachers

[Jimbo 0]

You might know the answer to this. What are the dietary restrictions if you're a JW? Anything to do with poultry and seafood?

I ask because my boss is Witness and doesn't eat either, I think he's mentioned something about it being a religious thing but I can't find anything about it on the web.

-
Jim

"Like" - The modern day comma
Good bye, my friends. You are missed.