Murdering english

[juanesky 0]

The Butchery of English,
Signs seen around the world...


In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room:
Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for ladies with nutes.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From the brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
Guests are requested not to smike or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.

Hotel Anders Rom, Rom:
All female guests are welcome. please bring own towels for morning show.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
Please do not bring solicitors into your room

Hotel brochure, Italy:
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. in fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
Foreign guests are requested not to pull cock in tub.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking
Here speeching american

On the grounds of a private school:
No trespassing without permission.

In a City restaurant:
Open seven days a week, and weekends too.

In a cemetery:
Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

Barber-shop notice, Bombay:
Hair-cutter and clean shaver. Gentlemen's throats cut with very sharp razors with great care and skill. No irritating feeling afterwards.

Hotel notice, Bulgaria:
The inhabitants of the hotel are kindly asked to keep clean. They are expected also to use the various objects in the rooms only according to their predestination.

Hotel bedroom notice, Rome:
FIRE! It is what can doing we hope. No fear. Not ourselves. Say quickly to all people coming up down everywhere a prayer. Always is a clerk. He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire come out.

"According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon

[CrazyIvan 0]

Dang!!!

__________________________________________
Blue Skies and May the Force be with you.

[juanesky 0]

Non-Standard Units of Measurement
(Handy Engineering Conversions)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach Turtle
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Sterling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurts
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarse power

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
500 millinaries: 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds
1/2 lavatory: 1 demijohn

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
100 rations: 1 C-ration
10 rations: 1 decoration

1 million billion piccolos: 1 gigolo
10 millipedes: 1 centipede
3 dents: 1 trident
3 1/3 tridents: 1 decadent
2 monograms: 1 diagram

8 nickels: 2 paradigms
105 dollars = 1 Millicent
1012 antellas = 1 tarantella
109 antics = 1 gigantic
100 tics = 1 hectic

10 aides = 1 decade
1000 female sheep = 1 milieu
2 doctors = 1 paradox

100 Senators: Not 1 decision
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
365.25 days: 1 unicycle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong (say it out loud)

"According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon

[yardhippie 0]

how bout this

Goddam dirty hippies piss me off! ~GFD
"What do I get for closing your rig?" ~ me
"Anything you want." ~ female skydiver
Mohoso Rodriguez #865

[chaoskitty 0]

"Drop your trousers here for best results."

What?... I see nothing wrong with this one... use it all the time!

[Scoby 0]

At the risk of sounding pedantic, wouldn't 1,000 aches be a kilohurts?

[FliegendeWolf 0]

A millihelen - The amount of beauty required to launch a single ship.

A One that Isn't Cold is Scarcely a One at All

[JeffD 0]

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.


I dont think this one was a mistake.

[CrazyIvan 0]

1000 Kg of Boobies = 1 Booblion

__________________________________________
Blue Skies and May the Force be with you.

[juanesky 0]

And what about few fun signs?:


At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator):
"Best Place in Town to take a Leak"

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband tried to fix."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Veterinary's office:
"All unattended children will be given a free kitten"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

In a counselors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

"According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon

[Unutsch 0]

Quote

1000 Kg of Boobies = 1 Booblion

p.s. great to see the boobies thread up again!!

Check out the site of the Fallen Angels FreeflY Organisation:
http://www.padliangeli.org

[ivanrockon 0]

Der is nozin tu si jier. Gu-i ar ius tu dis in aur DZ.

Read it in spanish and you'll understand it That is something that we sometimes do to an US visitor in our DZ just for the heck of it. Their faces are priceless, but it's all good.

Ivan "Rock On"

[JeffD 0]

ok i cant get the whole thing.

there is nothing to see here, ???? to this in our DZ?

[ivanrockon 0]

Der is nozin tu si jier. = There is nothing to see here.

Gu-i ar ius tu dis in aur DZ. = We are use to this in our DZ.



Edited: Misspelling!

Ivan "Rock On"

[juanesky 0]

veri GÜELL amigo...

"According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon

[juanesky 0]

Hope this gives you a better idea:

Twisted Foreign Expressions

RIGOR MORRIS
The cat is dead.

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?

VENI, VIPI, VICI
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered

VENI, VIDI, VISA
I came, I saw, I shopped.

COGITO EGGO SUM
I think, therefore I am ... a waffle

QUE SERA SERF
Life is feudal

LEROI EST MORT. JIVE LEROI
The king is dead. No kidding

POSH MORTEM
Death styles of the rich and famous

PRO BOZO PUBLICO
Support your local clown

MONAGE A TROIS
I am three years old

HASTE CUISINE
Fast French food

QUIP PRO QUO
A fast retort

ALOHA OY
Love; greetings; farewell; and from such a pain you should never know

MAZEL TON
Tons of luck

VISA LA FRANCE
Don't leave your chateau without it

CARNE DIEM
Seize the meat

"According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon