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StevePhelps

Need opinion on cartoon

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Nobody shoots straight like the guys and gals at DZ.com. I need your honest opinion. I'm developing a cartoon strip for syndication. Currently, it can be seen at http://www.comicssherpa.com/site/feature?uc_comic=csxsd

The strip, NEIGHBORS, is a narrative strip so you might have to go back a few days to see what is going on. This current series is about Harley & Bob running (as one candidate) for governor. No need to go back to the beginning.(about 100 strips long) I wasn't able to work out the kinks in the strip until about 60 cartoons anyway. Please let me know what you honestly think.B|

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Political tones in cartoons go over like lead balloons with me. I read the comics to laugh.. not to discover the artists political thoughts.

Other then that its well drawn, but it seems like that female person is based off some other drawing I'm seeing in the back of my mind.
Yesterday is history
And tomorrow is a mystery

Parachutemanuals.com

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1. You need someone who makes sure your punctuation is right. In the strip you clickied, "BOY'S" should be "BOYS'".

2. In the last panel of that same strip, the fat guy rears up and I assume his left leg is curled kind of in front of him. Either that or it's the sofa cushion. Looks like it could be a big sausage, though. WTH is that? I know it doesn't matter, but I am distracted.

3. I HATE interstitial ads that have in-body links that read "Close Window" which, upon clicking, actually open up 4 new popup/popunder windows. I know this isn't part of your comic, but it doesn't have to be, it still hurts. (At least there is a "skip" button on that page.)

4. Same issue as 1, except for spelling. I believe the word is "DOILIES". http://www.comicssherpa.com/site/feature?uc_comic=csxsd&uc_full_date=20040308

5. Punctuation again. Unless the missing comma is in her hair, "WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DUSTED BOBBY?" is missing something. http://www.comicssherpa.com/site/feature?uc_comic=csxsd&uc_full_date=20040304

6. I like some of the action shots (e.g. http://www.comicssherpa.com/site/feature?uc_comic=csxsd&uc_full_date=20040303), but others don't seem to flow right. Now, you draw like ten thousand times better than I do, so I can't tell you how to do it. But if you want to know what I see, sometimes I see things that just don't seem to "flow". (hat flying off, shrugless)

7. Sometimes the fact that it's a narrative strip definitely forces the reader to read back. I offer this example, which is completely meaningless without backstory. (Totally kidding - I thought this was funny as crap. :D)

8. I like the look. The subject matter seems like a slightly less cerebral, more mass-market Doonesbury. The mom character and some of the shapes throughout bear a resemblance to another comic I can't place - I want to say Arlo&Something, with thicker lines, but I'm not an expert on comics (I read like 3 normal comics with any regularity). I liked the inclusion of a photo-style background item (is that Bob Marley?), which at least one of the other comic greats has done periodically with some success.

OK, that's all the gas I have.

-=-=-=-=-
Pull.

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Political tones in cartoons go over like lead balloons with me. I read the comics to laugh.. not to discover the artists political thoughts.

Other then that its well drawn, but it seems like that female person is based off some other drawing I'm seeing in the back of my mind.



Now that I think about it, I think Bloom County had a handful of grandma types drawn like this - melon-on-a-tube heads with neck wrinkles and peach cheeks. That must be what I was thinking of.

If I may (mis)quote some Bloom County:
Senator: "Nice crop of corn you got there."
Farmer: "T'ain't corn. It's dope." :P

-=-=-=-=-
Pull.

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I'll correct the punctuation and spelling
I was not satisfied with Harley's reaction either -- now that you confirmed it, I will change it.

Yeah, Breathed drew women like that, but far from a copy. Thanks for your valuable input!

And it was Bob Marley (Bob's hero)

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The only comment I have left is: keep drawing. I assume you are critical of your own work, so practice will make perfect. It already looks very good, though. (Much better drawing than a number of currently syndicated cartoons. :P And don't even get me started about what Dilbert or Garfield looked like when they started!)

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Pull.

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Sweet Cartoon. I like it.

Kept hittign previous day to where I read about 2 weeks worth. Great cartoon.



Yet backwards;)



[hijack] it was liek the one episode of seinfled, where you start at the end and end at the beginning. try reading that cartoon like i did, it is pretty funny. 1 mom is passed out on the steps, previous day, you find out why, its great! [/hijack]

By the time you read this you have already read it.

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I read the linked comic, the one with Sam Donaldson, and wasn't impressed, but then I went to the start of the week and began with the knock at the door. With each strip, it grew on me more and I actually did laugh out loud at a few.

I have always been in awe of how comic strip writers can come up with this stuff day after day for years on end. I couldn't do it, and I can be a pretty funny guy -- in person, anyway.

I think the art is pretty good. I like Bobby's dreads -- that's new to me. I'm not sure of the background, particularly Harley's. Is he just a big doofy neighbor?

WATCH THE SPELLING, GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION. Nothing pisses me off more than a comic strip with maybe 25 words in it, and one of them is a typo. I mean, how hard can it be to get 25 words checked out?! I see this stuff all the time, and since I'm a professional proofreader, it pisses me off. Please don't let it happen to an otherwise good strip. Have someone check it for you before you publish, even if it's just a buddy or family member.

Also, don't fall into the trap that some mainstream comics do of putting the wrong emphasis (usually in bold) on the wrong words. If you've ever seen the strip "Mutts" about the dog and cat, you should know what I mean. (If you've ever tried to read it aloud with the emphasis where the writer places it, you can't do it -- it just doesn't work right.) For example, which makes more sense?:

"Are you going to school dressed like that?!"

or

"Are you going to school dressed like that?!"

See what I mean?
-
-Jeffrey
"With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!"

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Thanks Jeffy for the critique. I usually have the wife help me with punctuation, spelling and stuff. That is one thing a syndicate editor will do. We let a few slip by, :S but they are corrected now.

Yes Harley, Nikki (the little girl), and Bob (whose mother now lives with him) are all NEIGHBORS.

Yes, a good place to start viewing is March 1st http://www.comicssherpa.com/site/feature?uc_comic=csxsd&uc_full_date=20040301:ph34r:

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