tunaplanet 0 #1 December 29, 2004 Four brothers left home for college. They became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in her house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Scriptures. And you know, too, she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests twelve years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church. Let me tell you...it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mama sent out her thank you notes. She wrote: Dear Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway. Mama Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Democrat. The thought was good. Thanks anyway. Mama Dear Manny, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same. Mama. Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you. Mama A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." So a guy and his wife arrives from a business trip and goes to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp." The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well." The waiter a bit miffed continues, "What about the mad cow?" The man looks at the waiter and says, "She can order for herself." Why did God invent lesbians? So feminists wouldn't breed. Why did the woman cross the road? That's not the point,what's she doing out of the kitchen? Q: What did Raggedy Anne say to Pinochio as she was sitting on his face? A: “Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!” Forty-two Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
loudtom 5 #2 December 29, 2004 thanks for the chicken... Thanks I needed this.tom #90 #54 #08 and now #5 with a Bronze :-) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #3 December 29, 2004 A wealthy dowager was out shopping one day, and upon return she instucted her chaffeur to take her clothes into the back room of her mansion. As he did she closed the door behind them and gave him a look he'd never seen. "Bill, please remove my shoes." So he takes off her shoes. "Bill, pull down my hose." He complies. "Bill, would you pull off my blouse?" He pulls off her blouse. "Bill, please take down my skirt." So he takes off her skirt. "Bill, I want you to unhook my bra." He removes her bra. "Bill, pull down my panties." He pulls off her panties. Then she says, "Bill, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired." My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Yoshi 0 #4 December 30, 2004 what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?? "Has anyone seen my tractor?" __________________________________________________ How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2 but how do you get them IN the light bulb? __________________________________________________ how do you make a baby float? 2 scoops ice cream 2 scoops baby ice and a glas of root beer. :) ___________________________________________________________________________________________ this space for rent. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
towerrat 0 #5 December 30, 2004 a man walked into a bar ouch........Play stupid games, win stupid prizes! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
