Pope jokes

[AggieDave 6]

Out of all the Pope threads going on, there aren't any good jokes going on. It seems like with the new Pope, we need some jokes.

I'll start:


The new Pope, trying to bring Catholism to the younger generations, is starting a clothing line with accessories branded with the Pope's own logo. First on the market is a new personal cleanliness line with the new soap: "Pope on a rope."

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[Brian425 0]

I still think he should have chosen the name George Ringo.

The only time you should look down on someone is when you are offering them your hand.

[Dougiefresh 0]

I wonder if he'll shit in the woods.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. --Douglas Adams

[NWFlyer 2]

I was just shocked to see a #6 seed win it all. One Shining Moment, indeed!

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[wartload 0]

EDITThis message cancelled due to great minds thinking alike, but one of them not being smart enough to read the first posting all the way through!

[Rebecca 0]

Hahahaha!! I say that all the time - gets me the strangest looks...

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[unformed 0]

The Pope, having been invited to address the United Nations, arrives in New York and is wisked away in a private limo. Unfortunately, security delays have made the Pope late for his speech and he instructs his driver to make up the delay by driving as fast as he can. Even with the driver's best efforts, the Pope knows they are still going to arrive late and insists that the driver make even better time. The driver fears for the Pope's safety and hesitates to drive any faster. Now totally frustrated, the Pope tells the driver to get in the back and let him drive.

The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making incredible turns and wildly dodges in and out of traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in time. Six blocks from their destination a New York police officer catches up with the limo and pulls them over. Upon approaching the driver's side window and recognizing the Pope immediately, the police officer informs the Pope he was speeding and driving recklessly. The Pope explains "We are in a very big hurry to address an international audience on the most urgent of worldly matters". The officer begs the Pope's pardon and returns to his squad car to make a call to headquarters.

"Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands.

"This is the chief, what's the problem?"

"Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot, and I'm not so sure what to do"

"Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief.

"Bigger than that" says the officer.

"Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the chief.

"Bigger than the Governor" says the officer.

"Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?"

"Bigger" say the officer.

"Who the hell did you pull over, the President of the United States?!" the chief asks, alarmed.

"Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but his driver is the Pope!"

This ad space for sale.

[unformed 0]

Here's another one....

Frank Purdue arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....'to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".

"Well then," says Frank Purdue, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."

Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".

Finally, Frank Perdue says to the Pope,"Sir, this is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals. "I have good news, and I have bad news," he tells them.

"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion ... The bad news is that we're losing The Wonderbread Account"

This ad space for sale.

[lawrocket 3]

The Pope is coming to visit a local Church. So the Bishop decides that he should something great for the Friday visit. The bishop goes fishing to catch a good looking fish to make.

At the pier, the Bishop sees the guy next to him catch a fish. All of a sudden, he hears the guy yell, "Goddamned piece of shit!" When the man sees the bishop, he lies, "Sorry, bishop, but I'm really excited, this is a great fish, and it's called a 'goddamned piece of shit."

A few minutes later, the Bishop catches the same kind of fish. Going back to the Parish, he said, "Brother Murphy, I've caught this goddamned piece of shit fish, would you clean it?" He then explains his language. Brother Murphy, after cleaning it, goes to Sister Helen and says, "Sister Helen, can you cook this goddamned piece of shit fish?" He explains it to her.

The Pope comes by for the visit. At the dinner table, fish is presented. The Bishop says, "Pope, I caught that goddamned piece of shit fish." Brother Murphy says, "Well, Pope, I cleaned tha goddamned piece o fshit fish." Sister Helen says, "I cooked that goddamn piece of shit fish."

Pope Benedict XVI, having not heard language like that in a while. He reels back, flips them all off and yells, "YOU FUCKERS ARE ALL RIGHT!"

--------------------------------------------

Pope John Paul II ascends to heaven, and is given the grand tour. He is stunned by the library - as big as Rome and 5 stories tall! He is told that, as a pope, he has access to the holy library, where all answers exist.

For the next several years, he is studying in privacy. One day from the library comes the loudest shouts and sobs ever heard. "THEY LEFT OUT THE "R" THEY LEFT OUT THE "R!"

When asked what he meant, John Paul II said, "CELEBRATE!!! CELEBRATE! WITH AN "R!"

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[SpeedRacer 1]

http://www.onion.com/news/index.php?issue=4116&n=1

Speed Racer
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[AndyMan 7]

Prediction: In six monthes, the church will decide that the New Pope thing was a mistake, and will bring back Pope Classic.

_Am

__

You put the fun in "funnel" - craichead.

[happythoughts 0]

I don't know if the Catholic Church still does it, but they used to let you slide on a few sins for some dinero. "Indulgences" were paid for. They were a "get out of Purgatory" card.

So, in following with the great traditions of morality for money, how about an E-bay auction? The highest bidder gets to pick the new name for the Pope.

Instead of Petigurpus the Ninth, how about Bill the First?

I'd be ok about being the Pope except for the working conditions. Who wants to work on Sundays? Wear a dress? Live with 100 guys?

(I mean, other than guys on navy subs)

[billvon 2,384]

>The new Pope, trying to bring Catholism to the younger generations,
> is starting a clothing line with accessories branded with the Pope's
> own logo. First on the market is a new personal cleanliness line with
> the new soap: "Pope on a rope."

We were at the Vatican about 15 years ago, and a nearby store was selling that. Seriously.

[beej 0]

this isnt a joke as such, but is still funny..

While watching the news coverage regarding his death, i 'thought out loud' to the wife "I wonder where pope's get their fancy hats and stuff from?", she replied sarcastically (while rolling her eyes)
"Pope's Are-Us"

..made me giggle days later..

----------------------------------------------------
If the shit fits - wear it (blues brothers)--

[peacefuljeffrey 0]

My favorite is the portrayal of the Pope by Dom DeLuise in "Johnny Dangerously".

Johnny slaps some cash on him and says, "Heya,Pope! Here, buy yourself a new gymnasium for the Vatican!"

The Pope keeps his hand out and holds out for more cash!

-Jeffrey

-Jeffrey
"With tha thoughts of a militant mind... Hard line, hard line after hard line!"

[Ricx 0]

If you've ever seen the Irish hit TV comedy Father Ted this ones great.

for those of you who don't know the show the characters are here..
http://www.fathertedonline.ukf.net/characters.htm


Should be titled...
Shock as Bush snubs Irish Candidate for Pope!!

[freekflyguy 0]

Im just annoyed that M J swore on John Pauls life that he never did it.

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

[rasmack 0]

nuff said!

HF #682, Team Dirty Sanchez #227
“I simply hate, detest, loathe, despise, and abhor redundancy.”
- Not quite Oscar Wilde...

[freekflyguy 0]

Spiritual leader of 5 000 000 000 catholics, and he is German.

I bet Hitler is turning in his grave at not befreinding the RC Church

It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.

[skysprite 0]

That's great. That's getting sent around today.

~skysprite